She texted her reply:
"Sure
Really allow me to open up
Your love as deep as the ocean"
So, I sent her this:
Just give me a call.
Nothing, no chanting, praying anything else, will do more than you meeting your commitments, i.e. speaking with me, which was supposed to have happened on Tuesday.
It is now Thursday.
Doesn't it bother you to not keep your word? Or is your word worth nothing?
You know I keep my word and of course it would be important anybody associated with me, and most importantly, the woman I wanted to marry.
Please let me get us both off the hook for a bad situation we are in.
If you need to continue ignoring me, emailing me only when you feel like it,
never talking to me, even when you promise.
This has got to stop.
If you won't break the chain of pain, I will.
I love you, but that won't stop me if you can't stop being so painful.
Remember, you said early in our relationship, "Just watch, I will be there for you".
The only person who has been committed here was me. Not you.
But that is your choice.
We live with the decisions we make.
I am talking to Will, whom I met at Al-Anon today, He offered his phone number to me and I am speaking with him now at 5:15 PM.
He said he thinks you are a trainwreck.
Kimberly's comment this weekend when I came back from Esalen Institute in Big Sur,
with William, was that you are destructive.
It took me hours to come up with this idea of going to Al-Anon,
then finding a meeting that wasn't canceled like the first one I went to.
Then attend the meeting, get somebody to talk to me.
And that is what happened with Will.
While I was typing this email he called me.
His conversation is noted below. It is not a pretty one.
There is a lot of ugliness in our relationship right now.
Will: She is not going to be 'fixed', until she decides she is gong to be fixed.
The point is, he said (I am typing this as he speaks).
The only recovery you are in charge of is your own.
She has her own choices to make.
If she were to decide she would want me to rearrange her life emotionally,
may be I could help her.
But that choice is hers.
I can't make that choice for her.
I am, as we say, powerless.
The first step of Al-Anon is,
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable."
So that's the deal. It is a painful place.
And that is why we have the other 11 steps, to deal with the pain of that experience.
The 2nd Al-Anon Step is,
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity".
According to Will, it means, and there is a long answer involving the history of AA,
which he didn't go into.
But he said, the people who work these steps,
after they admit they are powerless,
have experiences that suggest to them that a Power
greater than themselves can restore them to sanity.
What it means to Will is mental health.
One of the dictionary definitions for sanity is mental health.
So, when asked how Dina fit into this step, his answer was:
I am way over the hill on this relationship.
He said, the person I can take care of in this situation is me.
The direction I can hope to go, in his opinion,
would be to lessen my obsession on you and
to focus on taking care of myself.
With the understanding that while there are no guarantees,
taking care of myself, is the best thing I can do for everyone in the situation.
This is his firm belief.
We are not talking about selfish, self-absorbed behavior.
We are taking about responsible self care.
If he was me, again, ask myself what is best for me right now.
I want to get a place, he said, of serenity.
I told him to feel serenity,
I would want to be in your arms and have you holding me tightly,
like you did two weekends ago.
That would be bliss for me, I said.
Will said that would be the first thing he would reconfigure.
Just consider, in life, ideally,
you want to get to a place where your happiness is not controlled by someone else.
I said, "Yeah, but if you love, and she loves you, you create your own serenity and happiness". He said he is suggesting I could find a way to live
where happiness is available to me without you.
So that is today's inquiry: what can I do today that makes me happy,
or at least minimizes my misery.
He said, so that is what I am looking for.
If he were me, he would stay out of your life for today.
Just for today. Just do today what the best thing,
at any given moment, is for me. I told him I am out of your life.
You email me when you do and I reply.
That is the extent of our relationship now.
There is more to say,
but I have to go to the meeting I suggested we attend.
Okay...
In every relationship it comes down to how will the bills be paid. I have always taken of loved ones I am responsible for. And on the drinking-again-topic, of course I would do what ever I had to help support you. Even eliminating anything recreational thing I do. Of course I would do this because you are most important to me. Why would I not support you? You are not making any sense in regards to how and what I am willing to do to love and support you in all your endeavors.
Besides, I am so proud of what you have done with all of your past problems. You not only survived, you overcame! Wow, I am so proud! Why would I want to change that?
You don't remember, I have offered to drop all recreation. You are that important to me. I want to be more than your best friend. I want everything we have been supposedly working on since we fell in love. The recreational stuff means nothing to me, especially if I lose you. You mean so much to me, of course I would do anything to keep us together and happy.
Dina, you mean so much to me. Think about it, hasn't the my behavior shown I will work with you and support you to make things work out for us? I have told you I am ready to back up what I am saying. At least give me a chance to show you.
Let's figure a way to give me a chance to prove my love for you and desire to make a working situation. CHW is back in play and my friend Roger, at CHW, wants to bring me and you in on his new software company. KQED appears to be ready to sign a contract. Proteus is for sale and my scientist friend, Mike Coplan, is bringing us in to Washington, DC, and the water pipe problem our technology solves. I have a lot on the table that could pay for everything you and I want. Give me a chance to make this work. Please? Let's come up with a successful plan to resolve all of these issues. Don't you think we deserve to try to make us a winner? I love you and want the best for you. There is nothing else in my mind, accept this. Give me a chance to show you. .
I have written more comments, all in caps, below. Please review.--- On Thu, 5/7/09, djc95032@aol.com
From: djc95032@aol.com
Quote:"Such parts of our story we tell to someone who will understand, yet be unaffected. The rule is we must be hard on ourselves but always considerate of others"AA big book pg. 74 Respect for others is the lesson that I take out of this Big Book thought. I must go to any lengths to free myself if I wish to find that peace of mind that I have sought for so long. However, none of this must be done at another's expense. Selfishness has no place in the AA way of life. OKAY, WHAT PART DO I HAVE IN HELPING YOU BECOME SUCCESSFUL? IN THE PAST, I THOUGHT IT WAS A LOT! I HAVE ALWAYS SUPPORTED YOU IN WHATEVER DIRECTION YOU WANTED TO GO IN. WHAT IS DIFFERENT NOW THAT I WOULD NOT SUPPORT YOU? THIS IS CRAZY.When I take the fifth step it is wiser to choose a person with whom I share common aims because if that person does not understand me, my spiritual progress may be delayed and I could be in danger of a relapse. DINA, I SO WANT TO BE THAT MAN FOR YOU. BUT YOU HAVE TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME ANY GOALS THAT I DON'T ALREADY UNDERSTAND. TRYING TO UNDERSTAND YOU IS VERY DIFFICULT BECAUSE YOU DON'T TELL ME ANYTHING, EXCEPT IN RARE SPURTS. THIS IS NOT FAIR.So I ask for devine guidance before choosing the man whom I take into my confidence.YOU HAVE DUMPED ME TO THE CURB BEFORE I HAVE A CHANCE. WHY DID YOU MEET ME AND LET ME FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU IF YOU WERE GOING TO ASK FOR DIVINE GUIDANCE NOW? AGAIN, I CANNOT SEE HOW YOU THINK ANY OF THIS IS FAIR TO ME OR YOU. I sought understanding from you. This train wreck destructive ship upon stormy seas sought harbor and realizing there was none began to crumble and go into dark places. Dark with thoughts of drink driving away the demons it has fought in the past. Not living in the now but dreaming of "how it was gonna be"-you know I do that very well. YOU GO OFF THINKING IN DINALAND AND RICHARD IS KEPT OUT. THAT IS HOW YOU CAN TYPE THINGS LIKE THIS.I e-mail you when I am not working and can pull it together. If that is notenough for you continue to assume that I do not keep my word. THIS IS NOT ABOUT KEEPING SOMEBODY'S WORD. IT IS ABOUT CUTTING OFF SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU DEEPLY, AND LIKE A DOG KICKED TO THE CURB, I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING EXCEPT YOU ARE TRYING TO CONVINCE YOURSELF TO LEAVE ME. I feel very careful with my work just now. I dreamed of the future in each others arms, but wait who was gonna pay rent, buy food, gas, cars, take care of everybody? WELL NOW WE WILL NEVER KNOW BECAUSE YOU, AS SEEN IN YOR WRITING ABOVE, HAVE CONVINCED YOURSELF TO LEAVE ME. How was that going to happen? WE WILL NEVER KNOW NOW, WILL WE, OF FAIR ONE?I feel you to be my best friend, you who know me the best. I try to understand you yet my past experiences have taught me that sooneror later I would have a drink with you. And then, my life as I knew it would be over and reality would come crashing in. SO, WHAT A GREAT DEAL YOU OFFERED ME. YOU DATE ME, WE FALL IN LOVE, AND THEN, BECAUSE YOU ARE CONVINCED BEING WITH ME WILL CAUSE YOU TO DRINK, AND THAT I AM LIKE YOUR PAST EXPERIENCES AND YOU LEAVE ME. IS THIS FAIR? ARE YOU GIVING ME A FAIR CHANCE TO BE THE MAN YOU WANT TO BE WITH? NO, YOU ARE NOT. AND THE UNBELIEVABLE PART IS, YOU MADE THIS UP WITH NO INPUT FROM ME. YOU MADE THIS DECISION IN A VACUUM. WHO WOULD WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO OFFERS SOMETHING LIKE THAT? HOW CAN I COMPETE WITH YOUR PAST TO WIN YOU? OF COURSE I DON'T HAVE A CHANCE TO WIN YOU BEFORE I EVEN START. YOU ARE NOT FAIR. THERE IS NO LOGICAL WAY TO SAY YOU ARE GIVING ME EVEN HALF A CHANCE. OKAY, YOU WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH YOURSELF. GO AHEAD, DO WHAT YOU WANT. I LOVED YOU TO HAVE YOU TELL ME, NOT EVEN BASED ON ME, BUT BASED ON YOUR PAST, OUR RELATIONSHIP CAN'T POSSIBLY BE SUCCESSFUL. AND YOU WILL START DRINKING IF YOU STAY WITH ME? YOU CAN NOT THINK YOU ARE GIVING ME A FAIR SHAKE. WE FELL IN LOVE. GIVE ME A FAIR CHANCE.
AM I ASKING TOO MUCH?
off to a pillow of tears, transition.
-----Original Message-----From: richard@mtranslation.comTo: djc95032@aol.comSent: Thu, 7 May 2009 6:25 pmSubject: Re: Dina: Today, November 22nd
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