Off the Horns, Onto A Lost Cause

I started writing a song for Dina. Here is my first rough draft:

Dina Jane
You drive me insane
I feel so inane
But I am on your train

But where are we going?
There is no engineer
It all seems pretty clear
There is much to fear

I love you dearly
And I am paying dearly
For having known you
All I feel now is blue

What is the price of love
When it can send you above
Then suddenly there is no love
No hand in the glove?

Needs work, but it gets a message across. Because Dina is controlling all contact. Refusing to speak with me because, as she says, 'because of your emails, a phone call is useless. You dance circles around me when I try to open up. This is frustration. I am working and sober. This is important to me'.

So I get a lot of cryptic messages that say I am important to her. Today, she sent the following:

5:02 PM: Upset stomach working hard. Working with sponsor on personal problems.

And:

5:08 PM: Sorry very busy and some stomach ache going on. Very hot this weekend. Use sun screen. Take good care of your lovely self. Try to relax and take a yoga class.

Yeah, take a yoga class to relax from the way our relationship has turned out: no Dina for me, apparently, ever again. I am so sad. I don't know what to do. I wish someone could help me. All they say is to leave her; she has already left me.
It is hard to see through the tears as I write this.
I guess this is what I have to do: leave my lovely Dina because she doesn't want me anymore. What happened here? I don't understand how we went from being so loving to being so broken up. Yes, she needs time, but why does that mean the man she supposedly loves, should go out get somebody new? Oh, help me God, please. The pain is so bad and she doesn't care. I wish the pain would stop.

These nonchalant texts came after two days of not hearing from her, after she tells me she has a problem she is trying to handle. This problem was very concerning to me. I wanted to go down to see her to offer my support. And this is what she sends me, after multiple texts and emails, expressing my concern and worries for her.

I don't get it. I feel like I am in some nightmare world and there is no reason to stay and no reason to go. She may come around, she may not. She may want me in six months...

It just goes on. We had a love affair. Now we have a few texts and emails.

I have put personal ads on Craigslist. I have gotten responses. I have no interest in doing this, but feel, as I look at her total behavior, that I am foolish for standing by her and hoping, against hope, that this woman will want me again. I cry every day and feel pain all day long. I miss the woman I love so much, but I have lost her. What do I do? Do I continue to wait for someone who obviously doesn't want me and is having a personal crisis of some sort, as she says. I want to be wanted by her so bad, but it doesn't appear I will achieve that lofty goal. I just hurt so bad and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

Her emails today:

This sounds like a positive direction for you. We both wanted so much from each other. I know so little about good relationship behavior. I am working on this. Did read blog. You write so very well and straight just like being with you.

This was in response to my email about seeing the counselor who told me I should cut her off completely. Not communicate with her again, until she calls and says she wants a relationship and can be stabile.
Well, based on what she is saying in her email above, I guess that means I ought to hit the road, doesn't it? Looks pretty clear to me. I am waiting around for nothing. This is a positive direction for me and we both wanted so much from each other. Now it is all lost. That is what she is saying to me.

The second email from Dina:

I would not do that
but I can see where you would think that
the mind is working but your blog helped me today

This is in reply to my email asking how she is doing. I wrote this because she lets me know there is a serious problem she has and she is trying to rid of it. I say in the email to please don't leave me hanging and communicate with me. She says she would not do that. That is exactly what she is doing. And the little bit of communication I get is just that: a little bit, nothing I can make anything out of, except to hit the road.

I am lossed. I guess I should just start pursuing other female interests. She thinks I should. Who am I to argue with the person I feel all these affections for? She doesn't want me. Okay.