What It Is Now and Will Stay

I believe in You

Things remain the same for me, even though you have inexplicably cut all communication between us, again. My faith, belief, trust and hope in you is as it always has been: unshakable. I won’t go through all the reasons why I believe in you, you have too many emails describing the wonder of Dina. I think that I believe in you, but you believe that you are not what I see you are. That is why you cling to Bob and the desperation you feel that Bob is the success you will achieve. A fatal loss of belief in yourself and what you could have achieved...All in the name of money.

I believe in Us

My belief in the success of us remains unshaken: we are a pair of AKMFers. Failure will fall away from us. Tonight, I was invited to apply to be an Executive in Residence at the Plug and Play Tech Center, a incubator for startups. Chuck Boggs, the VC at ZenCache, is partnering with me to raise capital via his contacts, i.e. the CIO at Stanford and C-level management at Cisco. Thar’s gold in thar hills! I will succeed and I would have liked you by my side when I did, but you have to start believing in yourself and in us. I feel so foolish when I write these words. You have left me for money. In the time we have been together, I have never felt you have left me so completely as I feel you have now. The pain and anguish rents my soul.

Me

I have focused again on what made me what I have been: successful. All recreationals are out of my life. I have refocused on my diet, exercise and stretching. My mind is clear and focused. I have gone back to my basics. It will make me the winner I am and have been.

You

? All question marks. You are so focused on your financial security you have given up who you are for the almighty dollar. What is left but an empty shell of a person? Who you once were. I don’t know you anymore because you have transformed into God knows what. I hope you and Bob are happy. You have either succumbed to his wishes and jealousies, or you have succumbed to AA and, in trying to rid yourself of co-dependency and co-enabling, have lost yourself. I know you think you have found yourself. You think you will be happy. I would disagree, but who am I? Just a person who was not worth enough to you to become who you are and could be. You lost you. I hope you are happy. I hope you find a way to live with yourself when you took a second best life. And may be not even that.

Us

Gone.

Faith, Hope, Trust, Belief, Honesty, Integrity, Ethics, Loyalty, Character…All just words now to you. I thought they may have came to have meant something to you...No More.

I know you are gone from me and we are no more. God help you...And me.

God helps dumb animals, little children and people like me.

Dina Is Up To Something

Dina spoke with me four times last weekend. She told me she loved me and when asked, she said to marry me, I had to make the money. Then, before she cut me off from all communication, she sent me an email saying she was having power struggles with Bob. She said she wasn't having fun because she wasn't seeing me. Then she wrote she didn't see how we could work out. She said she didn't want to have me come down unannounced because she was afraid she would get upset and run away. She thinks I am such a strong force to her it is like I create magic when she sees me. There has not been any communication since then. Her phone has been off and she has sent no emails, nor has she responded to anything I have sent her. She is doing something. God knows what. I will probably hear something desparaging shortly. Maybe her and Bob are finally getting together. Maybe she is finally getting close to the money. This sickening. I so wish I had noy met this woman.

Dina and Richard, Again?

Dina,

Just sitting here watching a movie about Mike Tyson, the boxer, and all the mistakes he made because of God knows what reason. He had it all and he lost it all because he lost his confidence and the coach who died before his time. There are many reasons why people lose it when they achieve the top tiers in life. Sometimes it is just knowing your limits and when to be satisfied with what you have.

Just thinking about seeing you this evening and talking to you. I so want us to be equals, lovers, friends, everything and anything we can be. I want us to be together for the right reasons, only the right ones, because we love each other, respect each other and want the best for each other. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do. I only want us to get along and be the loving couple we can be. There is nothing more important to me. I want to make sure I get your input and you feel respected and give consideration to you in every respect. These are the things I want and what is important to me. .

I know if I consider your feelings, what you want out of life, how you want to be loved and how we can be the best together, we will make it. I am trying my best to be as honest, considerate, loving, caring as I can be for and to you.

I believe the words I told you tonight. You are the best person I know. Yes, you have some faults, but the beauty of you so surpasses anything else about you. I know you don't see what I see in you. Believe this: you are what I see in you and I know this. I know if I am there for you, over time, you will see the beauty of Dina. You can be secure with yourself and feel the love of knowing one's self fully and completely.

I know you are scared about your future. It is a real fear and something to be concerned about. I know, because of who you and I are, that we can be happy, secure and at peace with our selves and each other.

I want to be there for you. To help you see the wonderful person I see in you. To take away the fear and make us feel comfortable with our life. There is nothing in the world I want more than this. I have done what I set out to do in the past and I can do this for us now. This is not idle conversation or an idle promise. I want to take care of you. Be the man you have been looking for all of your life. Words cannot express what I see in you and in us together. It is like we were fated to meet each other the night I was playing drums in the park and then playing drums across from you. The beautufil halo of hair framing your face. That energetic, upbeat, happy person I met. I have never forgotten the night I met you, the first date (and all thirteen hours of it). We were meant for each other and I do believe there was the hand of God somewhere in all of this. The confidence I feel can be felt by you. We just have to believe in each other. The rest will take care of itself because we fit together so well: me, the confident, high-level, conceptual idea person; you, the totally functional, detail person, so knowing in how you move through life. You, the person who sees where we need to go and so capable of taking us there. I will follow you and the direction you put us in.

You are so good at all the things I am not, and vice versa. What a couple! Wha a life we can have! To be free, to live where we want to, to do what we want to do. It is all there. I see it and I know I can provide the where-with-all to get us to what we dream of together.

I look forward to seeing you tomorrow. I can meet you at the Lodge, or wherever. I love you and you love me. I know this and I know you know it too. Let's get over our insecurities and fears. They are only in our minds, not in reality because we are such effective people. We just have to believe. You know the rest of the words: Faith, Hope, Belief, Trust, Honesty. They are real standards to live by and to love by. Let's be the most we can be.

We can do it.

Please call me to let me know how you want us to get together tomorrow.

I love you, Sweetie.

Richard

Tne End of Dina and Richard

Here we go again, my email to Dina last Wednesday, June 3rd.

It appears you have a reason each day why you don't call. This is the third day in a row. It appears you don't want to have a call you agreed to. What is the problem, so I can understand and act accordingly.

And Dina's response:


I am going through a growth spurt. It happens in the spring when the moon is full.Communication is good when something needs to be said. Sometimes what isunsaid is the most important. Guess it is your turn to not understand that I do not understand your goals with me. My intention stays as I have been saying, build up reserves, get this #@%&*** job completed and then meet. You,will probably be married Dick, Jane


And my response:


As I have already said, an opportunity presented itself that you and I should talk about.

Try to call me when you can and want to.

I guess I am being cut off from communication with you, again.

Sign me,

Don't understand in San Francisco


And a second email to Dina from me:


As usual, you don't get it. I ask you to call and you email me again. Call you: clueless in Los Gatos.


And then this email from Dina, my responses are in italics next to her comment:


As usual, AS USUAL- you are right and I am wrong. No, it is not a case of right or wrong. It is a case of one person being consistent and doing what she says she is going to do.


I am the person who did not love you in the way you dreamed of being loved. I tried. No, it is not a case of being the person who did not love me the way I dreamed of, it is a case of showing any kind of love on any kind of consistent basis. And, no, she didn't try to do anything but what she wanted to do in her selfish way.


I like your lifestyle up to a point. My insecurity came in with dealing where to live and how to pay bills, I have said many times to Dina that we gross $120,000 between us, this is a non-point, being with your children, gifts from God and all veryintelligent.Herein lies the crux of the problem, Dina does not want to be a mother figure to Panda because she sees Panda as being' Pregnant By 19" and all that statement of her implies.


I am the one who hurt you so terribly gave you such Step Mom pain.Forgive me I apologize. I did have a younger brother who was very pamperedand always very jealous of him.I am the one who ruined your 10 months of misunderstanding and caused youto walk barefoot on hot coals of Hell and cry to all who would listen. Forgive ME! All of this does not matter, the only point is she has hurt me for almost a year and when does she stop? There is nothing above that addresses that. Because she apparently can't do it. Do you always get what you ask? I do not! Does life go as in your script in your head? Take what the other can give and give what you can. Is that so bad?Dina is not offering anything. Forget about take what she is giving because there is nothing. For you this was not enough demanding more, more, and still morenot fast enough, not deep enough, not the way you wanted at all, not slow enough, not generous enough. There never was faster, slower, deeper, there was only Dina making up artificial scenarios that she then treated like facts and rudely, meanly, heartlessly drove deep pain into me because of showing me any respect in any way for who I am and what I have done for her. I only tried to have a relationship that she wanted. I couldn't even do that. What is her point here? She has none. Just a bunch of blah-blah to cover up what she has done for 10 long excruciating months.

I have not bought a meal on a date sincemy Junior Year in high school. Be more intense, darling I am not an intense person.I am half shy and half go for it. And it is confusing.Your love supersedes your ability to support it in the real world. Again, nothing here of consequence. Our dream world was fantastic. It was not a dream world, it was the reality we lived in and it was wonderful while Dina was stabile. Then everything went crazy for 10 months. See, I keep writing the same things over and over again because Dina has nothing new to run out as to what she is doing and what she means to do in regards to us. SOSDD (Same Old Shit, Different Day).

Lying-sleeping in your arm the very best!Richard, I do hope your ship comes in. I would love to see you in that penthouse watching the ships come in the bay. I could be next to you cooking up some exotic soul food.The second key part of the puzzle, If I get the money, then I can support her in the lifestyle she is seeking. If not, as I have said in previous blogs, it is hit the road, Jack, and don't you come back no more. I was staying away to feel how it would be without you.What the hell for? I thought when someone is the love of your life, as she has said and I have written about many times, you want to be with them. What is in this woman's brain? Nothing I can understand.

You are an actor and you can not help that. You do like drama and expressing emotionat any given second. I seem to have to analyze these This forced you into seeking friends family who all agree that Dina is the demonand you are the saint. I see it now. The only thing she is doing here is convincing herself she didn't hurt me. Nobocy thinks Dina is the demon or I the saint, apparently except Dina.

No one is all wrong nor is one always right.We are human we make mistakes. Some of us even try as hard as we can andstill end up sounding like children unable to grow at the set time out of patterned behavior.Call me Laughing in Los Gatos.I will not call you again over our lost affair however I would love to be able to call ande-mail about our lives and as we both have insight we could continue to help each other? There it is, the 'Breakup'. She does not want to be with me romantically. Only be there for her if she needs advice. Is that too much to ask? This was written on June 3rd, on June 4th she said she loved me madly and wanted to live with me for the whole summer to see if we could get along and get married. Need I say anymore? By Saturday, June 6th, she had talked us out of being together and then reversed that position on Sunday, June 7th, and wanted to be with me again. On Monday, 8th, she convinced me we had nothing and I broke up with her. How does anything she is writing here make any sense when you see what she does, not listening to what she writes because they are not one and the same; hence the crazingess of being with Dina at this time in her life. I haven't got the money and I need to go. That is the essence of Dina. It is not about her love of you, it is about how much money you have to make her feel secure in her old age. Done.

If it is too upsetting let's not do it or let'sstop.We both have been through a lot of hurt and change and learning tho I can only speak for myself. But not just all about you...And I would love to sing some more!Please do not add this to blog. I am very uncomfortable with being there. I understand why you went there as I was not there (here). I am glad to have gotten you onto path of keeping"tidied" up as gran would say. Removing the wreckage of your past to allow the goodness of the momentto come in. Taking the best care of family, family first. And you know that was hard, very hardfor me to see young one suffering and struggling. And to be in your bed with all of Julie's paperwork under was not a bit of fun.Do you understand growth spurt? As usual it is so much easier to write what I am feelingthan to talk. However, it is getting easier.Clue me inLos Gatos, with beautiful flowers
I

A New and Improved Dina: she opens up

Dear Strong Shoulder,

Watch out for those Mercedes drivers (I, Richard, was almost in an accident yesterday). Going off the anti d pills had me in a tizzy, getting better. You know that I am a very gentle soul. Some days I feel that I should be kicking back in a rocking chair with loads of grand children and an orange cat. I am upset. This is very disappointing with you know who and his empire. I do not like the way I am reacting, there is anger there and being on guard. A lost soul who is all alone. He is angry and confused, in a lot of physical pain, lying to himself and yet I am workfor him, trying to make it all better. It will never be. Especially after this last incident. My co worker is a lot like me and yet not so sensitive to this swirling craziness a black hole. I, of course need to step back and look for the good and what can become positive. Income better wishing for the security of a modest home, un mortgaged! Three of my friends were laid off in the last 3 weeks. Finally spoke to Anne. She is what family I have and a step Mom at that. All love and welcoming. Her advice is to take a couple of thousand dollars in coins and keep this handy as she feels more banks failing with so much $ being printed that inflation will take over. Our gov. is unhappy we did not pass foolish spending that he is making us angry and cutting what we like to do and suggesting that our safety will be in danger. The deceit. And us aged ones feeling this insecurity when we should be relaxing. Do not use this against me but I miss you terribly. Especially your touch. I force myself to remember that horrible Thursday when you were here and so intent on forcing me to do something I did not wish to do. I understand you're passion as well as I can, it is intense as the sting of the scorpion and I crawl into my shell licking the wounds. I feel like we pass the tears back and forth taking turns with crying and not acting like the adults that our bodies look like and we should be. But we are human and hurt. Salt cures everything be it sweat, tears or the sea. That is part of some ancient saying, I will get the name an ancient Greek. I am not sure where my favorite jeans are. I must walk today. Looking at protein powder but this might be the thing irritating my skin. Having office lows in the PM at office. Getting out for a walk when overwhelmed. Ode to Richard the Lionhearted, protector of women. Smelling like the open sea. Living each day to it's fullest, the God's smile at you, and will continue to you deserve to be content and have your soul satisfied and at rest. Your core being omits the caring person you are. Your morphing is so well intended, as I do this too is noticed. Though I am not with you in person my thoughts stray to your kindness and accepting but beware of the sting of the scorpion when he does not capture his prey. He will go up, down around to obtain her sting, sting, sting. If he is lucky she will succumb to the power of his venom, which of course is only meant to show lady love how serious he is in his caring. It is narcotic enticing. She dances and squeals with delight dancing in the heavens, laughing at all who dare to take this happiness from her. Do not despair, you are the knight on the horse women dream of, yet when presented with do not know what to do with. We danced for awhile, entwined loving, if only for that that I am a better person for knowing you. For I the mermaid must be off into the deep sea, Neptune calls and is angry that I have been away, he roars into my ears and again I dive deeper in the depths of the deepest ocean the darkest blue, like a night without stars resting my head on the cool seaweed sleeping dreamless sleep, not yet ready to be awakened. R that is about as close to writing down feelings and torment of this crazy time of life. Will it ever leave? I am working hard with sponsor but there is only so much the program has to offer and so very much I do on my own good morning D

And my two responses:

Thanks for writing this to me.

It makes me happy you still have any feeling for me.

I guess the point is, it is great you have feelings still for me,

You should be so proud of yourself for writing this. Your effort to reach out and touch me worked. You have never been able to do this before. Be proud!

You can use Thursday if you want to keep me out, but that is part of the problem. Someday, you will recognize what you do, with your steel-like paucity of words, the way disillusion creeps into those who care about you. Your behavior, which you will not take ownership, as you say, of. I was led to believe you were back with Bob, (even Bob said that on Thursday, I was not off when I thought you were with him).

I cashed in my checks you wrote me because thinking about the two of you bearing down on me, left me feeling empty and scrared. I was feeling, because of your way of making things look so confusing, that because the checks expired, you two would say, 'Your out of luck. You have lost the money". I see Bob being that vindicative. He is not a person who inspires confidence in his abillit to be nice, quite the opposite. Try to remember me kneeling by your car, asking you, "Is Bob your boyfriend?",after he said, "Dina is my girlfriend". This is right before he traps between your car door and your car. This and your withdrawn coldness that week, after hugging me so tightly, nobody would blame me for trying to say goodbye. You left me SIX TIMES w/o saying goodbye. And you are going to blame me for your behavior? You even lied about being with Diane the night before. And your trying to leave the room, even after I told you I just wanted to say goodbye. You have never said you understood why I sent all those vague emails, trying desparately to get you to contact me about Bob.

You only think of yourself, not the man who loves you terribly. And the pain your unconsious actions caused. Own it. And forget Thursday. I thought I was losing you. And, for the last time in the 10 months you had NOT been showing love, only sending confusing signals that resulted in Thursday. Why can't you see this? YOU compromised my legal safety. I was scared and freaked out all week. But all you think of is how you felt. Wnat about the terror you caused me? Doesn't that count, or are you all that matters?

Forget Thursday. Confusing week. Lots of fear for my legal safety, You lying abuot where you were Wednesday. Bob saying you are his girlfriend. C'mon, I am only human. Let it go. It was a bad week. Can't you understand that and forget about what happened? We were both under a lot of pressure.

The pain I feel every day is enormous. The love I feel for you is so great, my entire existence is being threatened. When I came to you the last time, the alternative was to check in to the hospital. But you never recognize any of that. It is always about you.

AA teaches Selfishness has no part of an AA recovery process? Then you had better go back and work on that. I have never seen anyone be so selfish in my life. You act so wonderful, I fall in love with you deeply. Then, as soon as the love is flowing all around us, you spend 10 months in complete reverse of how you acted, that caused me to love, as I deeply do now.

Your actions were cold and distant. You didn't communicate with me, except in two-three word, confusing sentences. How many times did I write you and say, I don't undersand, please explain. I did that the other day, and you couldn't be bothered to explain. You have ignored me many, many times when I asked for explanations. It adds to my pain. And I suffer. I am scared to open my inbox. I am scared even more when there is an email from you. Is she going to hurt me again with her misunderstanding of everything.

You tell me you are going to see me on the weekend, the first holiday we have not been together in 17 months, except for Ann on Thansgiving. I do not see you and i get no explanation, except for a few brief sentences that are not that clear. You say you are going to call by Wednesday of last week, that doesn't happen and you won't even explain when asked on the text messages, (check your text history), you just ignored me.

I have never been treated so bad, the pain I feel is on the level of the wicked stepmother. And you blithely go on your way, taking care of you, forgeting who loves the ground you walk on. Why would you hurt me so much. I ask myself that everyday.

I cry every day, The new picture you have? I was crying before the picture and I cried in front of the photographer after the shot. The picture you have is filled with the love I have for you, it is expressed in my eyes. Look again at the picture. The photographer said, 'Think about the love you feel for Dina'. That is why my eyes look the way they do in that picture. .

I can be driving along, eating at a restaurant, going to the bank, whatever, and I just break out in tears.

I am crying just writing this.

In a recent email, you say 'cut it out',

I just hurt so terribly and I don't know why.

It is psychosis inducing. I love you so much and I can't get over you.

I gave Lynne my kid's phone numbers in case I don't make it. I did that last night. I am so scared I will never get over you.

I never, in all my years of couple counseling, ever see two people who belonged together more than you and I.

But where are we? Being controlled by the Dinameister.

Everyday the dark cloud of losing you, pervades my life.

Everybody says to forget you. That you are selfish and self-centered and only care about you.

I tell them, "Forget about Dina? Forget about the person I love more than anybody I ever met in my life?

Easy for them to say.

I can't just turn the switch of my love for you off.

It just doesn't happen that way.

I tell them, I will love Dina forever and the tragedy of what happened to us will never leave me.

For 10 long months, I have been missing you and hurting and longing for us to be back together.

It is funny. When you love someone and everybody can see the manifestation of your love, they say it is cute. Aww, see how much Richard loves Dina!. Aren't they a cute couple. They belong together.

But when one of them has a problem, read that 'you', my love for you is not so cute anymore, Now, it is obsessive behavior. Go figure that out.

I love you more than life itself. I love you more than life itself. I love you more than life itself. I love you more than life itself. I love you more than life itself. I love you more than life itself.. I can't say it enough times. YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME. When you are not in my world, which you basically haven't for 10 months, Richard is lost, lonely and confused. This is not me, this is Richard's love of Dina and it comes back again and again. Every day. The pain of losing you is causing me major problems.

That's it.

You do what you want.

I don't own you, I am hardly even your friend thes days.

Oh Dina! What happened to the greatest love affair of my life?

Why? Why? Why? Why can't I forget you and go on with my life? Questions for the ages and the heavens to answer. Because I sure can't.

Marry me and let's be happy for the rest of our lives! There I said it.

Bye.

__________________________


"Do not despair, you are the knight on the horse women dream of, yet when presented with do not know what to do with. We danced for awhile, entwined loving, if only for that that I am a better person for knowing you. For I the mermaid must be off into the deep sea, Neptune calls and is angry that I have been away, he roars into my ears and again I dive deeper in the depths of the deepest ocean the darkest blue, like a night without stars resting my head on the cool seaweed sleeping dreamless sleep, not yet ready to be awakened."

There you go again. schlepping me off to other women again.

Thank god I am doing something about this so there will come the day where I don't open your emails again. You are so cluelessly hurtful. Forgive the little children, for they know not what they do.

The hurt.

The pain.

Will she ever get it?

Probalby not.

They told me in Al-Anon, some alcoholics never get it.

You don't realize how much you are loved. It is not the sting of the scorpion. trying to paralyze it's prey. It is the sting of a clueless woman, whom I fell madly in love with.

The sting of the clueless scorpion, that is what you are. You sting me, (hurt me), over and over again. For you know not who loves you and who you should be with.

You will be with yourself.

Your words above just hurt.

Again, thank god my efforts to do something about a love lost will be paying off pretty soon

Soon...I will be free and you can be alone, or whatever you choose, but it won't be with me because you don't want me.

I know that and I am doing something about it. It is the only thing that is keeping me alive right now.

Without it, I would not be here.

I will be free of you. And you can be happy then.

You can write. You can play tennis. You can golf. You can work. But you won't have me.

_________________________________

Dina wrote me, saying she wanted me to post a blog I told her I would write.

My response:

No, maybe I will post the 11 Rules of Dina. That one will scare the bejesus out of you. But, I probably won't. Afterall, as you say below, you will always be my friend (tears are streaming down my cheeks for the loss of my loved one, now only my friend).

Why don't you just go away and leave me to my pain and suffering?

I can't take this anymore. I just cry and cry over the loss of the one I lvoe so much.

What happened to the girl who said, "You wait and see, I will be there for you.".

Gone, like the wind. Now I, in her place, I have this friend. Oh boy, I am so lucky.

Fall deeply in love to end up with a friend who never sees you. Who writes how wonderful you are, when she is not even in her home because she is afraid you might stop by.

This is all bizarre.

Miss Manners To The Rescue!

My good friend, Lynne, gave me the following Miss Manner's article that was in the May 25th, SF Chronicle newspaper. I beleive it is telling me what to do. You usually do not answer any kind of hard question, but maybe you can have some kindness for my old, Dina-weary self. I am out of ideas and feel conflcted about you and your problems.

Here goes:

If he wants space, better give it to him

Dear Miss Manners: Two months ago, I started a beautiful relationship with a 59-year-old guy. I am 44. We broke up with our current relationhips based on the strong feelings we felt for each other.

After a month of feeling bad for his ex, my new man says he feels we should take a break, but after a few days, he wanted to see me. He hugs me for dear life when he does see me, but when we speak on the phone, he goes back to "let's take a break." I do not understand what's going on. He is talking with the ex, and I do believe him when he says there is no intimacy; they're establishing a better friendship. He was feeling a lot of guilt from their breakup.

The other day (Monday), he was to return my call, and I waited all night. Keep in mind he just lost a friend on Friday or Satudray. I decided to call and let the phone ring over and over. I left two bad messages, but I let it ring over and over.

Well, he finally called back to say this was the last he'll talk to me (He had said that to the ex when she visited me at the job, but now they're talking.) He told me I should've checked my email. I was unaware that hours before, he sent me this message:"Please let it be for now. I ask for solitude at this time. I am OK, but I ask that you not call me. I need to be alone, Thanks."

I felt so bad. I would not have called like that. How do I make up? I sent a reply that I had wanted him to see this important DVD that will help us both. He did not respond. I want to go by his home- should I? Help.

Gentle Reader: Oh dear. This is a lesson you should have learned 30 years ago. You wouldn't have believed your mother when she told you what to do, or rather what not do do, but at least she would have been on hand to dry your tears.

When a romance get to the point where the other person asks to be left alone, talking does not help. Suggesting relationship material does not help. Apologizing for calling does not help. All that makes it worse.

Your only hope is to leave him strictly alone.

Hope? Hope? Did Miss Manners get your attention with the only possibility that interests you?

It is only a a very slim hope. But if anything works to reverse a break-up, it is the emotional realization of what on he has lost. This is what happened to your beau in regard to your predecessor. He dumped her for you, realized she was really gone and went back.
In contrast, you are not gone: You are hanging around, and in a rather irritating manner, Miss Manners has to say. Instead, you should have made yourself totally unavailable at the first indication of his defection, so that his regret focused, instead, on you.
At this point, it is not easy, and no, you can't call him to say you are writing him off and going on with your life. But if you can get out and about, in an apparently relieved and happy state, worrd may get back to him.

Miss Manners promises nothing. But this approach will at least help you recover by giving you back your dignity.

__________________________________________

Well, there you see the litany of mistakes I have made with you. I thought being there for you in your time of need would show you the strength I had for you and us.

I made a fool of myself and lowered myself in my eyes.

I accomplished nothing because you are taking care of Bob now, You are not taking care of me, not in the slightest way.

I am a fool and an idiot. I didn't accomplish anything and I should have listened to what everyone told me. Maybe I would have had the chance I now have lost.

You and I are no more.

What we had is gone.

I saw your picture today on my phone that I took at the Ritz-Carlton.

I thought those were better times.

They weren't.

The problem was already steeping us in to the fact that we should have broken up then.

You tried, by your actions, to tell me you needed a break.

I wasn't listening.

I made a mess of everything, thinking I was doing the right thing by you.

I should have left you when you left me for Bob in August (see Miss Manners article above).

I am a fool and I apologize for my stupidity.

The Way We Are Now

I sent this to Dina this morning. I was going to publish blogs I had written last week, but decided not to because that was then and this is now. I am trying to move forward with what has turned out to be a relationship no more. Got to move on.

"Dina,

I have made progress with the pain and hurt I have felt because of the way our relatinoship ended.

I know my position now. I understand. Based on what you are doing with your holiday weekend, the look on your face and the way you acted when I saw you this week, and all of your emails of late, I got it. You have been broadcasting loud and clear and I was stuck in the past with what we had and have no more.

I know we are not going to get back together. That is okay.

I hope we can be friends, I hope you will talk with me and see me, when you can.

You are playing tennis and golf now. This, in conjunction with what you are saying in your emails, tells me you are trying to make the most of your life at this time. I want to support that effort, in any way you will let me. I want the best for you, irregardless of my feelings about us and what could have been for us.

I am here for you and want nothing but good things to happen for you.

I wish you would let me know how things are going for you, so that I can do what you say I do for you: ground you. I will be sorry if you chose to not include me in your life and goings on.

The pain I have been feeling will no longer be expressed to you. We have to move on and I would rather put my energies into being friends with you, since you don't want me as a lover anymore. I am okay with everything you are doing now and what you have done in the past. I forgive you and myself.

I love you, Dina, and want only the best for you and I will do my part to make things as pleasant as I possibly can between us.

Be my friend.

P.S. Let me know if you want to spend a few hours with me this weekend. There will be no mention of the past or trying to get back together. Let's just have some fun and forget all the past stuff between us and build a friendship. "

There is no sense in trying to pursue a relationship she obvously has no interest in having any part of any longer.

She has moved on, because she wanted to end the relationship for her own reasons. And I have remained stuck, in love, with a situation that is dead.

I have placed personal ads on the internet to find someone else. I have to move on. Dina has given me no choice. And I am.

I will never forget what we had and will try to find something else with another woman that will make me happy. I don't believe at this time Dina could make me happy, even if she wanted to.

Dina and Richard are no more. Hopefully, we can be friends.

That is all there is to say.

A relationship that could have had tremendous potential succumbed to Dina's concerns about her financial security and the fact that I didn't deliver in the timeframe she had in mind.

Okay. Got to move on, irregardless of what I think about her decision.

It is her right to do what she wants with her life and I have to respect that.

I am moving on and hope she will be my friend.

I want to be hers.

___________________________________

Sent this to Dina today after attending Al-Anon meeting at noon and buying the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book.

Buught Big Book, 4-week 12 Step Program Started

Dina,

When we were happier, I should have gotten more involved with you in your program, like having you walk me through the 12 steps. I regret respecting your privacy now as I am invovled with an old man from Al-Anon who is going to walk me through the 12 Steps for the next four weeks. I would much rather have you tell me the meaning of the 12 Steps. It would have made it more meaningful, but at the time, I didn't know what was about to happen to us.

I have to read pgs 58 -103 and I will try to have that accomplished by today. Funny, the guy's name is Bill, like in Bill W.

I have been going to Al-Anon meetings daily, sometiems twice daily. It is hard for me to accept their philosophy, but I have nowhere else to turn. Nobody else will listen to me about my troubles. So here I am. It is hard because all of the convesaton at these meetings is very depressing. I am not one who handles depression well, especially when it is so close to someone near and dear to my heart; namely you. The two books: Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics and Courage to Chose have some hard messages to swallow, but I am committed. And when I commit to something, or someone, I see it through to the end goal. And I will with Al-Anon, no matter what I have to do to complete the process. I wished my commitment to you had worked out, but I have to let that go.

And I have.

Hope you are having a good day and I hope to hear from you sometime. I will assume, by your lack of reply to my communication with you this morning, that I won't be a part of your Memorial Day Weekend. That is okay. Have a good time and know I am thinking good thoughts about you.

Love You,

Richard.

Off the Horns, Onto A Lost Cause

I started writing a song for Dina. Here is my first rough draft:

Dina Jane
You drive me insane
I feel so inane
But I am on your train

But where are we going?
There is no engineer
It all seems pretty clear
There is much to fear

I love you dearly
And I am paying dearly
For having known you
All I feel now is blue

What is the price of love
When it can send you above
Then suddenly there is no love
No hand in the glove?

Needs work, but it gets a message across. Because Dina is controlling all contact. Refusing to speak with me because, as she says, 'because of your emails, a phone call is useless. You dance circles around me when I try to open up. This is frustration. I am working and sober. This is important to me'.

So I get a lot of cryptic messages that say I am important to her. Today, she sent the following:

5:02 PM: Upset stomach working hard. Working with sponsor on personal problems.

And:

5:08 PM: Sorry very busy and some stomach ache going on. Very hot this weekend. Use sun screen. Take good care of your lovely self. Try to relax and take a yoga class.

Yeah, take a yoga class to relax from the way our relationship has turned out: no Dina for me, apparently, ever again. I am so sad. I don't know what to do. I wish someone could help me. All they say is to leave her; she has already left me.
It is hard to see through the tears as I write this.
I guess this is what I have to do: leave my lovely Dina because she doesn't want me anymore. What happened here? I don't understand how we went from being so loving to being so broken up. Yes, she needs time, but why does that mean the man she supposedly loves, should go out get somebody new? Oh, help me God, please. The pain is so bad and she doesn't care. I wish the pain would stop.

These nonchalant texts came after two days of not hearing from her, after she tells me she has a problem she is trying to handle. This problem was very concerning to me. I wanted to go down to see her to offer my support. And this is what she sends me, after multiple texts and emails, expressing my concern and worries for her.

I don't get it. I feel like I am in some nightmare world and there is no reason to stay and no reason to go. She may come around, she may not. She may want me in six months...

It just goes on. We had a love affair. Now we have a few texts and emails.

I have put personal ads on Craigslist. I have gotten responses. I have no interest in doing this, but feel, as I look at her total behavior, that I am foolish for standing by her and hoping, against hope, that this woman will want me again. I cry every day and feel pain all day long. I miss the woman I love so much, but I have lost her. What do I do? Do I continue to wait for someone who obviously doesn't want me and is having a personal crisis of some sort, as she says. I want to be wanted by her so bad, but it doesn't appear I will achieve that lofty goal. I just hurt so bad and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

Her emails today:

This sounds like a positive direction for you. We both wanted so much from each other. I know so little about good relationship behavior. I am working on this. Did read blog. You write so very well and straight just like being with you.

This was in response to my email about seeing the counselor who told me I should cut her off completely. Not communicate with her again, until she calls and says she wants a relationship and can be stabile.
Well, based on what she is saying in her email above, I guess that means I ought to hit the road, doesn't it? Looks pretty clear to me. I am waiting around for nothing. This is a positive direction for me and we both wanted so much from each other. Now it is all lost. That is what she is saying to me.

The second email from Dina:

I would not do that
but I can see where you would think that
the mind is working but your blog helped me today

This is in reply to my email asking how she is doing. I wrote this because she lets me know there is a serious problem she has and she is trying to rid of it. I say in the email to please don't leave me hanging and communicate with me. She says she would not do that. That is exactly what she is doing. And the little bit of communication I get is just that: a little bit, nothing I can make anything out of, except to hit the road.

I am lossed. I guess I should just start pursuing other female interests. She thinks I should. Who am I to argue with the person I feel all these affections for? She doesn't want me. Okay.

On The Horns Of A Dilemma

Yesterday, I traveled to Marin for a counseling session by a doctor who provides a non-profit program for young men. I met with him to help provide funding for his young men's group. He also provides counseling for people who get involved in his Life 101 program.

The counseling session focused on my taking back who I am and cutting Dina off: no contact whatsoever. It was suggested I write to her saying, if Dina wants to come back to me and provide a stabile, positive, loving relationship, I would discuss this with her. Until, if and when, she comes to me offering a real relationship, I am to stop all communication. Not to read her emails, texts, etc. The concept was to give my manhood back to me.

Ahh, the horns of a dilemma. To be stuck on said horns. I have been there for Dina all these nine months as her behavior fluctuated from one extreme to the other: sometimes with me, sometimes going off into her private little hell and clamming up.
But this is what I do when I am in love. I stand by my woman, even when she is trying, against all common sense, to leave me, as in this case. Now, the jury has made their decision: to a person, everyone who has spoken with me, friends, family, strangers, counselors, etc., has said to leave her. If she comes back, she comes back. Otherwise, they all say I am losing nothing; I have already lost her. She has been trying to leave me since August of last year. They all think I should just let go.

I love her and want the best for her. When I was young, and having a lot of adjustment problems in life, I wish I had someone to stand by me in my time of need. Nobody helped me. Since I was able to straighten my life out, I have been there for anyone I cared about. And that includes Dina. Sometimes, being there in exteme situations where anybody, including Dina, can see I am reaching out to be there for her. can make all the difference in a cared one's life. That means I go to the wall in providing my support. It worked for me when I was there for myself and nobody else was, and it has worked for others I have cared about since then. Because they knew, no matter what, I would be there for them.

Do I leave Dina in her time of need? Beause now she is doing something, she admitted to yesterday, that is harming her and her future. She may not make her goals with the comprimised situation she has now put herself in. I feel I should be there for her. But do I listen to the 100% of everyone's opinions, or do I do what I usually do: do what I believe in and stand by her and be the person she can count on to help her. I lean towards what I have done all my life. Maybe it is wrong, but I feel strongly for Dina's situation and want so much to be the one person who stands by her, through thick and thin.

Ahh, to be stuck on the horns of a dilemma, but knowing I should be who I have always been and be there for her.
_______________________________________

This is part of the email just sent to Dina. Names and places have been removed to protect the innocent.

Dina,

The doctor I have been helping is issuing a newsletter Monday to 1100 of his supporters of his program to help young men build character. The newsletter will be all about me and providing the telecom analysis as a fund raising for his endeavors.

Yesterday, we spoke at length and he suggested I engage his counseling service and pay him $165 to speak about my relationship problem.

I took him up on his offer and went to see him. The email I sent you about your current situation was composed while I drove back from meeting with him.

He said I should take my manhood back. Cut you off completely, and if and when you decide I am worth something to you. This has to be something completely the opposite to the disastrous relationship you have delivered over the past nine months. He said I should not communicate with you: don't read your texts or your emails. If you come back and say you want me and want to be with me, I should discuss this with you. He said I should tell you what I want in a relationship and see if you can agree to give me a stabile, loving relationship without a lot of kookiness in it.

You can read my thoughts on my new blog entry: On The Horns Of A Dilemma.
Let me know if you guessed the direction I decided to go after you read it. I would be interested in seeing if you could figure out what I would do in this regard.

A New Wrinkle In The Cream

I sent this yesterday. There is a compromising situatoion going on. I am very concerned, but as usual, Dina is steering her ship. I am on the outside and cannot go to see her. This can't continue. If not for her, at least for me. I will not be able to maintain knowing she now has another problem, more serious, happening to her. So, for now, I am involved. Depending on how she replies, will decide if I stay engaged.


________________________________________


Dina,

As usual, I should have taken more time to formulate a response

To your admission on Tuesday, May 12, 2009 12:24 PM

I wish I could be with you, but this will have to do

I recorded this in Marin, coming back from San Rafael (more on that another time)

It was sunny and a beautiful ride. So, here goes:

Look at you:

Successful woman, You who saved up the nest egg that you have

Drives the car you that you have

Lives where she wants to live and the fashion that she lives in

You are successful

There is no reason why you are doing anything that is damaging to yourself right now

If you weren't the best,

If you didn't have all these things going for you that you have going on right now

At this time of your life

Then I would understand

But you better give value to what you have going on...beause you won't have it long if you don't value it

And the way you value it is to take care of yourself, on all levels

You don't take of your self by doing things that are bad for you. So you stop doing those things and do things that are good for you

Because you value what you have: what opportunities you are about to come into and new ways of living you have available to you

You are an AKMF. And don't you forget that

Now, kick some ass and fly straight, Bucko. Do what you need to do to take of your present and future and don't mess it up!

That is all I have to say. I hope you allow this to come into your mind and affect you

The Beauties of Dina

Dina

With the wit and intelligence

With the discerning eye

With the love of a lifetime

With so many amazing abilities

The way she makes a simple decoration outstanding

Sort through the jumble and make sense of it all

With her, humor abounds

Her loving ways so amazing and fulfilling

Her ability to make one smile

Her giving attitude

She is nothing short of miraculous

I have never met anyone with all of the gifts,

Abilities, love and kindness I found in Dina

And I probably won't find again in one human being

Maybe in 5 or 10 people I could find what Dina

Has in one package

Dina's Reply to Last Email

Dina said,

Richard.
You're roses came yesterday evening. I was delighted to see them and the beautiful colors.You are my friend and you always will be. I am going through some crisis of a sort. Work is harder and extra cash is tied up.It is not my intention to make you feel un happy you are fantastic I want a time to get into touch with a sober me and allow feelings true mine, but affected by all around me hard to explain

Well, maybe some day in the future, the person I love so much will surface again, maybe she will have made herself whole and her life will be better.

If her cash is tied up, it seems a shame she is not considering the revenue opportunity I sent to her. But I can't continue to be tied up with her when she is having this crisis. I will reply, asking her if she wants to make money or if this is too much for her right now.

I hope the demons that are chasing her go away.

More than anything, I hope she finds some feeling for me.

Hell continues for me. My cross to bear.

I love her so much. I hope she gets what she needs.

Even if that means I never see her again.

I wish her all the success in the world on her task at hand and I mean that with all my heart.

Love, Love, oh Love, why has love left me stranded on the shores of loneliness and despair?

How could you...

_________________________________________

My reply to her 6:06 AM, May 12th email:

Crying. I do this so much these days.

I hope you find what you are looking for.

I will try to keep giving to you:

How about the revenue opportunity I sent you? Do you want to make money?

I know you are having problems...

And I support you in any small way I can (like not seeing you)

I am just hurting so bad and there is no relief in sight (see new blog)..

God help me.

I hope I survive your crisis. The pain...

And God help you do the right thing in your life. I am praying for you...and me.

Last Email to Dina?

Dina sent this to me today. It is the first time she has said anything about her behavior. I am so appreciative that she sent this:

"Read your entire blog
I can see where I appear heartless,
yet yearning to know how
to allow myself to be loved

This was nice and I am thankful she sent it.

___________________________________________


I would like to get some understanding from Dina and have sent the email below.

Depending on how this turns out, I will have to make my life more peaceful.

I do not really understand why Dina is treating me this way.

But either way, I will get peace back into my life. If she doesn't respond to this email, I will have my answer and I will act accordingly.

_______________________________________

Dina,

Thank you for your communications today. I have been affirmed that we are broken up,

I am sorry to say I felt this day coming.

There were many times I was in your place and said, 'this is the last time I will be here'.

Well now it has.

But what I don't understand is, what has happened between us that makes you act this way, in regards to how you interact with me. You say I am your best friend. Huh?

If you think this makes sense, please enlighten me.

I am confused.

So, lately you have put out signals that I pick up on.

And, because I am trying to understand what you won't tell me, I am no longer your friend.

We are like two people who did not get along, and have broken up.

That confuses me.

I have been your friend, lover, boyfriend and fiance. Now I am like somebody you can barely tolerate.

I am confused.

I understand your need for privacy. It is the opposite of what you have had with me for sixteen months.

I am confused.

Please tell me why I am being treated this way.

If we would have spoken recently, I would have acted politely, no drama, and just be glad I am speaking with someone I care about. What is wrong with that? This does not feel good to me and I need to so something about it.

This confuses me.

You give me bits and pieces of what is happening with you and it is hard to live day-by-day with your attitude. It doesn't change. You won't explain to me what is going on with you that makes you treat me this way.

Are you mad at me? Are you angry at me for something I have done? Are you so conflicted about the state of your drinking you are afraid you are going to take a drink? Are you going through some sort of personal crisis that is making you act this way? Is there some other crisis I don't know about?

What is it?

I am confused.

I am hoping you can explain how you feel about what has happened between us. I know we are barely friends, but I don't understand why. I am not sure how you can say anything more than what you have said. Maybe you have said all you can and you feel it should be all clear to me.

It is not.

I feel I am hurting for no reason. You treat me like I have done some unforgiveable thing and I am being punished for it. This needs to be at least explained. I can understand.

This confuses me, too.

I am not your enemy. I love you and want the best for you, but not at my expense. Can you understand this?.

I am not mad. I am just tired of being treated badly by you. Feel free to ask what you are doing that is so hurtful. I will gladly enumerate, I have been close to you and you are acting slightly out-of-turn.

Treat me with basic, human respect and I will do the same in turn with you.

Sound fair?

Dina Made Her Decision: It is not to be me.

R: I know this email may mean nothing to you, but it does to me.
D: Wrong this means a lot to me.

Richard: THERE WE GO, I AM OUT OF THE PICTURE. YOU ARE ASKING GOD TO CHOSE THE MAN WHOM YOU TAKE INTO YOUR CONFIDENCE. WITH THIS STATEMENT, I LIE BLEEDING ON THE GROUND. A KNIFE IN THE HEART OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.

D: Richard my sponsor is a woman always has been and always will be a female

My comment: I wasn't talking about a sponsor, I was talking about her asking God to chose the man she wants to confide in.

R: YOU DID? I THOUGHT YOU SOUGHT AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE FROM ME. REMEMBER HOW MANY TIMES I ASKED YOU TO TAKE THE CONVERSATION A LITTLE DEEPER? AND YOU RAN (see Valentine's Day at the Ritz, where, on Sunday I tried to get a little deeper with you and you left the room, you were so not going to talk about yourself.)

D: As you now full see this is so very hard for me. Also your daughter was acting up at this time. Whenever she acted out it upset me that you were with me and I felt that you should have been with her. All of those weekends leaving her alone. That was a huge part of our relationship, like it or not.

My comment: All those weekends alone and my daughter was a huge part of the problem? My daughter did what she did. She would have done the things she did with me in San Francisco, or Los Gatos. I took care of my daughter's problems and now she is doing much better. I need Dina to trust that I know what I am doing with my daughter. This is my third child and I know what to do when problems arise and all of this had nothing to do with my seeing Dina. I tried to move the relationship forward by trying to live with her. This would have made things better by having Dina and I living together. Does she remember her comments, when I asked if she really wanted to sign the lease papers to live together? I said it was not like you to make your mind up so quickly. She said, "No, I have been thinking about this for months. I love you, Richard, and want to live with you.". That was not true. Relationships are affected by the lack of truth.
This is what I have been struggling in vain to tell her. The relationship became frozen at a level where she could not move forward because of issues she had. The living together decision affected me, Panda and her. I say, take responsibility for your actions. Or, as she says, take ownership. Follow your own advice. Not trying to be mean, just realistic and in reality.

R: C'mon Dina, give me a break here. You may talk to some people, but really personal informaton has come out more in the emails you have written since you broke up with me, than when we were together. You did not seek understanding from me. This is the second part of your 1-2 punch to write me off. If you doubt this, let's see if we ever get back together again. I say, this is the official break up and you are done with me. You tried to be done with me six times over the past nine months, but you have come up with a whopper this time. I say, I believe you got it, Watson!
D: I did not seek understanding from you as you are not alcoholic.

My comment: You wrote your response in a way that made it look like you were asking God for divine guidance to find a man. Those are her words. She has to own them. If she meant something else, she should have said it. Enough said.

D: "I e-mail you when I am not working and can pull it together. If that is notenough for you continue to assume that I do not keep my word." Baised upon your e-mails a phone call is useless. You can dancecircles around me as I try to open up. It is frustration. Today I am sober and working. This is important to me"

My comment: You have turned my world upside down. Yes, when we would talk in the past, I would try my best to help keep you grounded (Remember, you said you like being with me because I keep you grounded?). Well, that position of mine is all history. I just want to be your friend, listen to what is going in her life and, if I can be helpful, offer anything I can. We are no longer together. Dina and Richard are over. I won't talk to her the way I would when we were together now. I would love to speak with her to just have a pleasant, no emotion, conversation. I still love her, even if she has changed in the way she feels about me. I will be polite and very understanding, or just pleasant. As the situation calls for at the time. I would love to have her as a friend.

R: WELL NOW WE WILL NEVER KNOW BECAUSE YOU, AS SEEN IN YOR WRITING ABOVE, YOU HAVE CONVINCED YOURSELF TO LEAVE ME. AS YOU KNOW, WE MAKE OVER $100,000 A YEAR. THERE ARE NO CONCERNS ABOUT FOOD, GAS CARS AND TAKING CARE OF EVERYBODY. AS YOU KNOW, I WAS GOING TO GIVE YOU MY $3,000 PER MONTH THAT I CLEAR. AND MONEY I EARNED FROM REVENUE OPPORTUNITIES. C'MON DINA, YOU ARE SMARTER THAN THIS.
D: I would want to take care of you

My comment: But the point is, you stated who would take of us? Who would buy the cars, food, etc. My point was, and this gets to the heart of why I say you are still not understanding things clearly, we make enough money to make your comments irrelevant. We make enough and I will make more with my ventures. Maybe even enough to make you feel calm about the money/security issues she has been so concerned about so much. I hope she understands what I am saying.

R: WE WILL NEVER KNOW NOW, WILL WE? YOU ARE ONE CLEVER PERSON. YOU KNOW I TOLD YOU I AM NOT CLEVER. I TRIED TO TEACH YOU INTEGRITY, MORALS, CHARACTER AND ETHICS. YOU HAVE NONE OF THESE WITH WHAT YOU ARE WRITING TO ME IN THIS EMAIL. IT IS SHODDY AND POORLY PREPARED. THERE ARE HOLES ALL OVER IT. C'MON DINA, YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS, CAN'T YOU?
"I feel you to be my best friend, you who know me the best. I try to understand you yet my past experiences have taught me that sooneror later I would have a drink with you. And then, my life as I knew it would be over and reality would come crashing in.

D: "This is not a shoddy e-mail just an open discussion of what it is like to be

My comment: Dina's answer above is not a complete sentence, very appropriate to my point. The defense she is using to make her case is what I am saying makes no sense and was full of holes. I pointed them out and am glad to make it even clearer. This is just like all the other reasons (Panda may be pregnant by the time she is nineteen. Richard does not own a house.) that Dina has used to break us up. They don't make any sense to anyone except her.
All this time, she should have just said, "We need to break up and if we can get back together again, that will be then.". She never said that and, if she would have been honest, I would have been a lot less stressed. The ulgy Thursday would never have happened because I would have known we were broken up. I would not have had to guess, try to put all the clues together and make wrong assumptions. But Dina does not understand this.

R: You have developed a well-crafted way to get out of a relationship that you haven't wanted since August and the 'Leaving me for Bob' event. It has taken you a while and, granted, a lot of effort, but we are finished! I hope this makes you happy with what you have achieved. I am done. I can't take your lack of love and caring. I hope you feel free now to meet the man of your dreams. I just wish it had been me.

D: No man for now. Again tight in my shell.

My comment: This is what I have been asking for these nine months. If she just could have been truthful. But she couldn't and that is why the relationship is the way it is now. My words above stand strong. I knew she didn't want me any longer. I just wanted her to say it and now, at long last, she has. I am off to greener pastures where the woman who says she loves me doesn't hurt me, like this one did.

I learned a lot from being with Dina. She has made me a better man. I will always appreciate the effort she made on my behalf. One of the reasons I love her so much. I am so sorry it ended this way. I would have done anything to have it be different. But that is the way things are sometimes. You love and you are not loved back because of things in your significant other's head. I put my best effort forward and it wasn't enough.

What Will Dina Do, Now That It Is Over?

There are many scenarios.

She could realize she feels we are not right for each other and/or her problems are too big for her to have a relationship now.

She could realize Richard loves her as much as he does and that she should have value for something she won't be able replace: namely us and what we do for each other.

In this scenario, she could plan to surprise me and just show up at something she knows I do, i.e. the drumming on the weekend.

I would see her, rush to her and give her a big hug and huge smile, followed by a long, loving kiss.

I would not be able to get the smile off my face and we just hold each other for a long time.

We walk off into the sunset of a happy and wonderful life together.

Awww!

If you gave me a million dollars, and said, to get this money, you have to correctly predict what Dina will do.

I wuuld have to say, keep the money: I don't have a clue.

I could say from a logical standpoint, that the love we felt for each other, the way we fit together,

the way we so compliment each other, is a natural.

There is not a perspective one could look at where we don't fit together.

But she has trampled this relationship into smithereens. Why did she do that? This is a question

Only she can answer.

I have no idea.

When I find something good, I do my best to value what I life has so blessedly thrown my way.

I think there are only so many times you get this lucky; don't screw it up.

She obviously has a different perspective.

The ball is in her court.

What is she going to do with it?

One thing is for sure:

I won't make the first move.

She has so wrecked this relationship,

She needs to show value for us.

It will be a long, lonely, cold day in hell before I approach her first.

If she waits for me, she will be waiting forever.

So, she has another chance to have the beauty of us

Never get a chance to spread it's wings and take flight,

Or, she can...

What will she do?

False Alarm: And Now The Family Is Affected

Before I start with this evening's topic, I want to note Dina's reply to my telling her I had to let go entirely. She really has control now.

If she doesn't come back to me, she really doesn't love me,

or her problems are so deep, she can't love me.

Either way, a wonderful relationship has been lost here.

I feel like having a ceremony for what has been lost,

because it is noteworthy:

we could have had a really great time togerher

and just loved each other for all time.

Crying.

_______________________________________

She said the serenity prayer,

"Richard, Just sat down at desk.
Going all day.
Wow.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
and courage to change the things that I can."
Dina

Why did she say this? She controls the relationship.

There is no accepting the things she can't change

Because she controls the relationship.

We could be back together tomorrow,

If she wanted to

But she wants the relationship this way

And that is why her serenity prayer is

just utter nonsense.

It is another example of Dina saying someting that is not true.

I take the action she wouldn't, ending anything between us

And this is what she has to say?

just a bland statement that is not true?

She can represent herself the way she wants,

and others can perceive her words in the way they think she is really saying them.

I think this is all bad, for her and for me.

She is dragging us out, as she has, and it will end,

Just because of the length of time and the irritationn felt by all involved.

She ends our sicteen months together by not doing something at the end to save it.

That is because she wants the relationshiop to end.

She just doesn't want to be blamed for the ending of the relationship.

Me?

I am mortified. There aren't words to express how she makes me feel with her words.

But that is my lot in life, Lalania.

________________________________________

(I initially thought the below happend, as far as Panda being missing. Turns out I was wrong. She fell asleep by the heater in the living room and is now in her bed. But the impression talked about is still worth reading; hence the reason why it has been left in.).

I came home at 9:47 PM, to find Panda's bed empty. She was with Nissa and was being dropped off at the house around 8:15 PM. I spoke with Panda and told her to make sure she was home in bed by 9:00 PM.

She agreed.

Now I may have more problems than just a broken relationship.

The family, like my friends, have been running out of patience with my relationship, or lack thereof, and didn'thave spoken about not wanting to hear anymorel.

Panda told me to day she is sick of Dina because of the way she has been acting and the way she treated me. I didn''t explore that too far because Dina seems to have convinced herself to stay away, (see her "Tomorrow dear one". And no call or contact from her today. Maybe she sent the message to the wrong person and it was meant for somebody else.).

So, now I have no Dina and my daughter appears to be rebeling with her actions tonight.

Does the onslaught ever stop?

Am I supposed to be able to take anything that comes my way?

I feel like I am so egotistical because I miss Dina so much.

It doesn't look like a man who just loves his significant other,

It looks like an obsession that is affecting everyone around him.

My opinion is I am in this position because I have had to take action

That I took yesterday in telling Dina I can't take anymore of her indecision.

I wish I could have been told she loves me, or she doesn't love me.

That would have been the end.

But because I had to finally take the action on my own yesterday

After suffering through her problems with her for nine months

Just because she is manipulating me by trying to keep me on the hook

In case she needs me at some later date, (see her text atating she wants to get back with me in

November, and another email where she says, in a little while she wants to get together to talk

Aout our desires, including her desiring to have our love work out.).

So, being the person I am, who needs clear answers one way or the other,

And Dina being a person who is ambivalent, changes her mind all the time

And has not been able to let me go, (see her statement, 'Hard when someone loves you and you do not know how to love them back and cannot let them go', also, her statements about her work project ending in six months, and another time saying it ends in November, and that I am her man and she wants to get together then).

So, to handle the problems with the relationship right, I need to speak to noone" no family, no friends.

I have only the counseling help I get, and that is once a week.

Well, there you have it. Screwed, blued and tattoed, as they say.

I am miserable and the pain of all this is weighing heavily on me.

The Words Dina Said To Me That More Than Any Others

Of course not silly.
What I could read was very well written and
I too can see where running and hiding does no good for anyone.
It is just what I have done and I am trying to change this behavior.
By admitting that I was wrong is part of the change that even after of living life sober.
Running and hiding is like getting drunk and expecting everything to be alright in the morning with no memory of what went on the night before.
More than once I was taken advantage of in many ways.
My heart was shriveling into a raisin.
I had no pride or selfrespect, no goals no direction no pleasure no pain.
Drunk or hung over was the constant.
So many missed opportunities and emotions stuffed so deep that only a miracle could change them.
And then it happened, so simple. Quit the drinking, get off the bottle and get into living.
Still when pressured I will freeze or run away and hide.
I am now struggling to let the demons (to sponsor) and
goodness out and be a better person who can stand herself and what she does.

You are unforgettable

She was so apparently honest in this email, I was struck.

Most of the time, I can not be sure whether Dina was telling me the truth

Or not. It was that hard. I just had to accept whatever she said because that was all I had

She was that good.

Well, here I am with no Dina

God knows what will become of us because Dina controls the future

What will she do?

Stay Tuned!

Before I Look At Her Sunday Emails, Note This

If Dina sends me any more negative, depressing, oh-boy-are-you-screwed, oh-my-life-belongs-to-Jesus type emails, I will not reply. Only positive, upbeat, there-is-hope emails will be replied to.

When I open my mail, I am scared when I see an email from Dina and I close my eyes and peek at the email when I open it. I never look at the newly-opened email full on. It is too scary.

She is either shocking me with her latest revelation about her problems, or how she came to me for understanding and couldn't get any, now she is praying to God for divine guidance to pick the right man out for her.

I this type of melodramatic behavior is getting old. This is not a soap opera. It may be Dina's book. She can write in how the characters act and how the script goes because she has full access to my life. I have none to her, but Dina likes it like that: her in control, her significant other in tow on a lease, or in a yoke pulling her ox cart through life. Hold on, I have to adjust the yoke.

Well, off to open the emails.

Will be back to share what I found.

I believe she sent nothing, even though she stated yesterday in a text, "Tomorrow dear one.".

Here we go....

_______________________________________

I am happy to report what I thought she did, she did.

Not a word and it is now 6 PM, time is getting close for her to make her 9 PM bedtime.

Oh well...I wish I could figure out what she is doing. This melodrama seems to make no sense.

Is that because the author is unable to steer a straight course?

Stay tuned. Never telling where she is taking this.

I doubt she knows.

Because I don't, for sure.

The next question is Why?

Why would you treat someone who loves you desparately, in such a way?

Figure the answer to that and you get the grand prize.

She doesn't for sure. You can tell that just by watching her actions.

Nothing she is doing in regards to me makes sense.

I hope what she is doing to her self makes sense

Because otherwise this is really stupid

Two people would be suffering so

When they have all the ingredients

For a successful, happy life together.

A Walk Down Memory Lane: Emails from Dina to Me

You wrote Betcha can't write a timely reply. Well I have work to do and can not relax untilit is finished. You are my loving manand I do not have the tools to love you back.If onlyyou were not like Wiley and if only I could believeIf onlyI was not the one who could not love if only...

Dina wrote the comments below about thisi email I sent her:

"Dina,

I can't do this anymore. I will always love you and want the best for you.

Goodbye,

Richard

P.S. I will not email, call or contact you again. You may send me emails and I will review, but may, or may not, respond. I will help you if I can without endangering my own sanity. I love you more than life itself. But I have to recognize your problems are deep and you are hurting me because of these problems. I will try to live the most fulfilling and happy life as I can, without you. I was so hoping we could have worked things out, but you appear to not want me and that is what I believe, based on your past behavior. I am sorry it is this way, but you know what you want, and it is not me, while you are dealing with your current problems and I obviously am not someone you want to help you. At least you don't want me, or want me to help, at this time in your life. I would love to hear from you if you figure things out for yourself and possibly come to the conclusion it is me you want. But that is not now and I have to move on."

Dina's reply:

"Richard,
Just sat down at desk.
Going all day. Wow.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things
I can not change and courage to change the things that I can."
Dina"

Richard,
The lionhearted brave for all women
brave for me when I did not know how to be brave for myself
Believing in me when I did not believe in myself
Seeing me through a miserable job and a very hard space in my life
Change not much but become transparent in the best sense
Richard
With the large words that I have not used since school,
forcing me to think and do what I never said that I would, read blogs.
Forcing me to think of deepest feelings and strongest passions
Ricardo,
Catching me at my teasing game while in the trunk of the car
twice catching me at my childish games, no one has had the
honor of doing that
Richard
with the smell of San Francisco and the exotic curiosity
of what is it that makes one think and
how best this would be for all concerned
Richard
with hot sauce
with itchy back
with warm arms and lips
Richard
As I go onto make enough fortune to relax and sink into steady secure life style
Richard
Soooooooooooo caring for those spiders
the homeless the less fortunate, knowing
in helping he helps himself be Richard
and now all that I can do is to
Cry over blog

Monday morning

Richard,
Later after time passes we can meet and go over
all of our feelings and wishes, dreams and desires
hopes all that we and I do mean WE wanted.
So deep and raw
How could we live and for me to be a Mom with all of that.
So hard, know I did not use you,
only trying on a love to last forever
to be fully involved in and too feel
that I am giving as much as I receive.
Dina

Co dependent relationship mybconflict is loving you and being in love with being in love and I will always miss cuddles you are the best the music tooMy project should be finished in 6 months

So very trueAnd lovers that do not know their own mindAnd lovers who think that are being kindLovers who try to speak their mind leaving wreckage behind

Hey BuckoCurrent or past tense we loved each other I wanted a break and you push harderFeeling like a break and will know each other always no matter whatI am working hard to get my savings healthyThis important to meDeep blue water cool yet warmFriends also tell me to move on on to whatHard when someone loves you and you do not know how to love them back and cannot let them go

Hi Richard,Not always to turn off work at this time. Big push to October. I like to write to you. It really helps to honor feelings. I a happy to write as feel that this helps us both. I will work over weekend as on this deadline and taking care to sleep and eat. And to remember that deep pool of water when ruled with fire into. Steam

Hey Bucko,I am working today. Deep love feelings bubble beneath still surfaces.

Of course not silly. What I could read was very well written and I too can seewhere running and hiding does no good for anyone. It is just what Ihave done and I am trying to change this behavior. By admitting thatI was wrong is part of the change that even after of living life sober.Running and hiding is like getting drunk and expecting everything tobe alright in the morning with no memory of what went on the nightbefore. More than once I was taken advantage of in many ways.My heart was shriveling into a raisin. I had no pride or selfrespect, no goals no direction no pleasure no pain. Drunk orhung over was the constant. So many missed opportunities andemotions stuffed so deep that only a miracle could change them.And then it happened, so simple. Quit the drinking, get off the bottle andget into living. Still when pressured I will freeze or run away and hide.I am now struggling to let the demons (to sponsor) and goodnessout and be a better person who can stand herself and what she does.

You are unforgettable

You are doing great. I feel good in my private spaceand will allow all that you have showed me to sink inthis thick Irish skull.

do understand, believe me. I too hurt and feel raw.Good to have work to distract and walk to clear head.Alone, no one the shadows are darkthe night is long Alone with my thoughts and living the drama of my mindTender emotions afraid of the light not allowed to breatheto grow to be nurturednew painful feelings not meant to be hid but sharedwith this world, to be loved is the greatest feelingto have loved as best I can, and yet wonder whycan I revisit in my dreams

So many good qualities of you shine through:sterlinghonorableknight in shining armordeep, deep, deep like dark blue watercool deep dangerous but deliciousindulgence A chance to survive a place to hide inthis ugly world

Step 5 for the third time

That means to love you fully without the booze talking. I wish to make amends for any wrong

I will waiting for her call on MondayI also ask for your forgiveness for any real or imagined hurtsYou are my first sober relationship and I too wanted the happiness of loving you without being drunk or stoned

The unmentioned will pay. Attorney is making arrangements to settle quickly and quietly. By our overall happiness reflecting back into your children. You prove me right by your vile behavior last time I saw you. You wish forgiveness you have minePlease forgive me and any lies

Richard you were not even there and you heard something third hand. No one ever went to jail for that. You have the wrong information on that.For weeks I have been trying to explain about my desire to write. To be able to get all my deepest feelings up and to look at them

Is the idea of a break that impossibleYou terrified me and threatened me need I go on?The Lodge does not want you backI am way over my head with our situation. I do want this time to be aloneMaybe a few meetings Mission Richard intense message received

Think not just you and your fearsI tried to hold us together and your family Impossible as you are closed to this

No you over actedIn breaking our trustThen moving forward in thinking of yourself by breaking this confidence and doing what you justify being not being happy

Richard those 3 hours you had me tortured against my will and away from the door will stay with me a very long time

You did not properly handle yourself on callUnbelieveable

Love is blind

How upsetting our conversation.Like a rat smiling as they bite the hand that fed and encouraged them

Please consider a call to SSI could really rock your world. Your lapse of keeping confidences may haunt you

No idea just some time to think. Last night I planned to go to meeting then to birthday dinner with Bob. You really scared me with your actions. I will not ever forget it

What is Big Problem?It is not my intention to miss lead or hurt you. If I call I will cry again. It took me hours to calm down after you would not leave.

Hi Richard,I am up and on the computer. Ready to get back into bed.Feeling slightly better. A lot of stress also here guess it caught upwith me. Not the easiest in Bob's office with Dave thinking $ andme design and $ and who Bob will go with. Feel like little childlooking for parents approval.Car in and will let rental know one more dayfor rental and see if I can get a deal over the weekend.$50.00 to tow and no idea yet what repairs will be. Will have him smog if good price.Off to lie down. Major bummer.More water,SO

"Those who cannot tell what they desire or expect, still sigh and struggle with indefinite thoughts andvast wishes."Ralph Waldo Emerson

RK,How would this benefit us in the immediate future?SO

Dear Richard,Hope the call back on KQED went well. Is there someway wecould get the same - or similar sign off as Jeff? I made it bigger tosee better

Hello Richard:Just received a blind type of ad and it began as"We'd like to thank you for your interest....Critical to our ability to serve you is having accurate and complete informationI will be able to see If a copy paste will allow us to change the information.Any luck with the lists?SO

Again, Thank you Jeff for helping us. If I can help you form this coast,please let me know.Dinah

Dear Richard,Yes, I am reading it."LOVING WHAT IS" and doing it.I have that "change" gene so deeplyingrained. SO

Hi Richard,I see you are working up a storm!I tried to alter the attached presentations andthey have been "change protected" so I amunable to alter.I think that I can alter the old ones butthese new ones are great andfar superior to the original ones.Is Carolyn able to send us an unprotectedset? Then we could send to her to review then present?That was the idea but I let "Sully" slip by. This would be our protectionfrom that happening again.Sincerely,Dina

Richard love,It might be a good idea to let them know that you will be following up with a call??Your love,Dina

OK be ready to rock....Saturday night at Dream Inn (about $100 each) tickets $31.00 ea.We can walk to coconut grove. If the weather is good they willopen the ceiling.Dream Inn does have a 4 PM check in but we can call for early oneBe sure to remind me to ask for upgrade for a room on a higher floorOcean view all rooms.They do have a pool and hot tub. You will like the music, I assureyou and will be signing along with them. I think that we can walk to the wharf for some sea food dinner.You know who.

Dear Richard,Thank you and Leo for the concert!Just what do we have to do to allow each other to love?Hope you are not crying!Yoga was positively great and I feel so good.Another great band in Santa Cruz at the Coconut grove this weekendany interest?Love you,Dina

How are you? I have your watch and phone case.I can come up? Always love you,Dina

Dear Richard,Oh, same day. OK will you come by Lodge?We could go in the same carI have a lot of leads for you...both NMA andProteus.I know you are set in what you want and need.I know that I love you. The rest is what is socomplicated. We differ on the almighty $.Work is going well and not too stressful. Leaky roofs and this rain is slowing downprogress. For taxes I need to find the missing 39K. Off tothe banks this afternoon and chiropractor.Love youSO

Hello Richard,I am just asking you how do you love yourself? I feel thatyou may be looking outside yourself for what I (or anyone else)can not give you?SOLet's go together to Chamber meeting tomorrow night?

Hello Richard,I was able to print these instructions out.Not too much rain this afternoon, hope to take carand bum headlight in.Stomach a little queasy. Hope from too rich foods.Really enjoyed our night at the Ritz!Love you,Dina

Dear Richard,I left my phone at the lodge today. I will go in 1/2 for this Valentine!Sounds divine especially the Chocolate buffet.Let's each get a facial? We would need to makereservations now!YummySO

Take out first paragraph. Use "sully" to be sure she knows the pond scum. Also please let her know how disappointed I am at not being protected.SO

Reecardo:Yes I did now. Suddenly it is all so clear....Still adapting tonew Black Berry curve.Off to Unemployment office with Alicia to find out whatis going on with claim.Then lunch out.E-mailing Margo the white papers;S.O.

Will Youyum,I hope that I replied to this in the Yes mode forRichard and myself?If not we are a Yes, Yes and please let me know if you haveda room?Wishing you well and Happy Chinese New Year (year of the OX)Dinah

Reeecardoooooo....Looking good. Perhaps we could drive down andvisit him? Also he could give us a tour as heknows everyone and has good relations.Love you,Dina

Hi,What is the best way to respond to Sully?Hope the drums spoke to you,SO

Hello Darhling,For some reason the power point 2008 did not come through. Please re-send so I can re-send to"Sully".Thank youS.O.

As failure falls away from youSuccess comes to you.Have a wonderful prosperous dayDo yO.u believe?

RE: J. Louise McGinnis-BarberDirector of Business DevelopmentCUH2A division HDRHi Richard,The name of the person Louise will bring

Just an FYI
it was Santa Clara, Sunnyvale and San Jose Chambers.Sounds good a 2 PM call. I will watch TV to see if there are any balls tonightS.O.

Failure. Will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough

Hello Darhling,This looks very good...I called Carla and left if open if she would liketo meet us for lunch to learn about TelecommAnalysis Info.I am off to finish up tax prep and will seeH&R tomorrow. Should be a refund there?Take care, you are doing fine!"Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough."Love you,Dina

Reeecardooooooooo,I plan on attending this to network. Depends upon eye. Resting it this afternoon.
Dina(h) Cotton

Richard,This is a note from the woman who helped you out with tow truck and jacket theday you thought you lost your keys at Town Hall Los Gatos. I put $20.00 intopackage.Oh, for eye, patch let it weep and ice. I must have a hot head for all of this ice. To chiropractor tomorrow noon.your loving woman
Dina(h) Cotton

Advice from a wise man: 'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

Feng Shui> > This is without a doubt one of the nicest good luck> forwards I> have> received. Hope it works for you -- and me!> Lotus Touts: You have 6 minutes> > There's some mighty fine advice in these words, even> if you're> not> superstitious. This Lotus Touts has been sent to you for> good> luck> from the Anthony Robbins organization. It has been sent> around> the> world ten times so far.

Richard I have your CD's from the bank and they will be in themail special delivery tomorrow. I am treasuring your letter hereand will savor every word. Do not give up on me.
Dina(h) Cotton

November 22nd, 2008:
Dearest Ricardo,I miss you but fee that we need to take a break. Talking on the phone has been very upsetting to meas your voice and all that you do are so dear to me. And I cry.Thinking that our goals are so very different at this time and do not wish to change you or me.I am finding this so very hard to get over to you. It would be frustration for both ofus.I miss your touch but feel some time apart would be good for both of us!Your Dina

Richard, Sweetheart, Richard, Sweetheart, Richard SweetheartPlease, Please, Please give me a couple of days to think...I am feeling pressured and do not like to cry on the phone with you.Today I ate a lot of candy at the office. Hey, I am #2 this week!!!Again just a few days. I am going to a meeting tonight.You are a wonderful and special human being and have been nothingbut kind to me, please do not change.The flowers were very nice today and made me think of our love.Again I do need a few days...I know you will understand.

BAY BEEEEEEEEEEEEE looks good
Dina(h)

This Dachshound is fostering this little guy for another mom who couldn't take care of him. He had his eyes closed, but now they are open. He is just a little bigger than her other pups. She loves this little guy as much as the other puppies and she is nursing him back to health. He is the cleanest pig-uppy ever because she licks him all the time.HIS NAME IS PINK....

Yesterday, on my way to lunch I passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "Vote Obama, I need the money." I laughed. Once in the restaurant my server had on a "Obama 08" tie, again I laughed as he had given away his political preference--just imagine the coincidence. When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to him that I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief while I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need--the homeless guy outside. The server angrily stormed from my sight. I went outside, gave the homeless guy $10 and told him to thank the server inside as I've decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy was grateful. At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment I realized the homeless guy was grateful for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money he did earn even though the actual recipient deserved money more. I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application.

Hello Richard,At Nova job search center. Looking over my options and hope to see counselor. Call from unidentified was "friend" from the office. A little calmer at this time but looking for a 7-11 to vent frustrations. Reply below looks good but they are calling it an audit. Does itmatter?Glad that I left the office and took some time out to think and breathe.What a joke. It is a tuff time for a lot of people. Just physically leaving thatoffice I feel so much better. A very deep breath.Take care loved one...
Dina(h) Cotton

Cabin #20 bring your good looks I still do not know where it isor what to bring. Diane will know.
Dina(h) Cotton

Whopee, we have cabin #20!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dina(h) Cotton(408) 529-7382

HI,Meeeeeeeeeeeeee Tooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Dina(h) Cotton(408) 529-7382
You!!!
Dina,
I Love You
Miss You
Can't wait to see You.
Yours Always,
Richard

Thank you. Also the flowers put me over the moon today.Love you,Your Dina

Hello Darl'in,So pooped tonight will get into bed really early. Loads of calling today and adjustingto office. Bought a couple of plants, for cube mostly for sanity!Please call Michael Schilling at Valley Yellow Pages as I hit the shuffle down referral. Wishing you rainbows and love, thinking of you tonight,Your Dina

Sweetie, See if you can reserve 2 cabins, one for us and one for thegirls? They say to keep food tied up tight so the field mice do not get into it!LY

Dear Loving Fiance,There are so many hot springs and mud tubs in Napa, it might be a good idea to make a reservation in Geiserville? Or is it Guyserville? I am not sure how far it is. I know Dr. Bonners is very good and clean for a day oftubbing.Your loving Fiance,Dina

Hello Darhling...You left Margret's information on coffee table. Here it isHer local phone #408-596-6393or of course the lodge 408-354-3300 X407homepage:Professor Margret DiebergerMWJ ReportagenFoto (+43-1) 544-11-47FAX (+4)Leopole-Risterg. 5, 1050 Wien (Vienna)www.WENZEL-JELINEK.atHOUSE:www.at&tengb.at (not too sure of spelling)so I am off to bed-thought the Swedish fiddling might beinteresting...Girls (the three of them) seemed to have a very good time!Perhaps we should do this once per month or so?Give Feley my best and I know that she will do goodat her deposition, with your support.LYdj

Hello Richard,Just digging through emails and found this. The event in October on the 25 looksgood but do you wish to on your birthday?Did Nissa give you a time for her art show?Maybe Panda and Elena could come down here andI could arrange a $50.00 per night room?It may be better $ spent on her??LYdj

Richard,What good news! We deserve this and have earned this. You were really great atpresentation. And our follow up was outstanding!What a team.All of my love,LYDi

Hello Richard,Thank you for sharing Corey's thoughts with me! He sounds firm and happywith his responses. What he is doing maybe a good thing for him at thismoment. Only time will tell. We can not push the river, just let go of the sidesof the stream and go with the flow. And another true ism, "It is always easierto be critical. Look for and emphasis upon the positive"!LY that is text for Love You

August 19th, 2008:
Yes, dear Richard. I an waiting on an interview schedule sodo not have a time right now but earliest this week for both of us lets do it! Believe me this is very hard to do, no schooled! You brought the love locked in my heart out and me strong enough to stand up for it. I will always be thankful for that and hold a specialplace in my heart for you.Would Half Moon Bay be a good half way locationto meet up? I am at the weeping and crying stage so nothing public, please?
Dina(h)

Hello Richard, I am glad you had your sister call. Sometimes easier to talk to a woman over affairsof the heart. Just doing loads of thinking and going to meetings. Something I let go by when we were together. I am not in a place for judgement, but, know that I must keep on going to meetings, forever. Just back from beach where condo flooded and did mostly disaster repair work. Watched a lot of Olympics, but did not get a lot of exercise. Feeling a bit fenced in. I told Bob he has 6 months to pull it together. Then final good bye. That would be January 2009. I am crying as I write and would also be crying if we do see each other this week. I have so many wishes for us and working things out and relaxing and all of that. Embarrassing crying in lobby here. I want to get drum back to you as well, this week as I know you love that. Be well,
Dina(h) Cotton


Good Morning Richard, They have my resume. I confirmed it.Evidently Cliff quit suddenly so they do need someone right away. As you know I am off to beach with group of womenthis unity building for my program. This has beenplanned for over one year.Last night went to concert in the Park. MontereyHigh School Jazz group, pretty good. Loads ofLos Gatans, the ones you love to be around.Spoke to politician who knowswho to speak to to see as Hyatt needs help togain Town approval for new development here.
Dina

Richard, I found out some information for Brad's condition from fellow yoga teachers. Does he have access to a computer?Should I mail? I know that he is on Pine but not exactly where?Off to AA function this weekend (women's retreat), St Cruz Mountains.Miss you.
Dina(h)

Sent: Tue, 12 Aug 2008 7:54 am",
Good Morning Richard,At last stitches out of gum. Healed wonderfully.Bad reaction to pain medicationCan begin to smile again. Kay took care of me as I was"a mess" last week. Drank a lot of "shakes". Off medicationand feeling like just waking up.Sponsee celebrating 3 years on Friday night in Willow Glen.New sponsee just being released from treatment.Found your drum in trunk at car wash. I will don the cloak of invisibility and discard needy ness and become courage.
Dina(h) Cotton

Richard,Looks great! I am back from the world of front tooth pain. Dentist tomorrow 11 AMLove you,Dina

Hello Richard,Back in warm Los Gatos. Thank you for fun weekend,LoveDin

Richard, it sounds good to meet with John Powers. I am glad we got to speak abit today on the phone. Last night I just crashed early and had fit full sleep or notsleep. Off to 1 PM "Managing Change". Had a thought of teaching Yoga to returningVets. No idea how to start that. Do you have any? Maybe you can get a room in house for Panda as others move out? For me now it is not a secure situation. If I were younger it would be do-able at this stage I must think of entire picture. Also I just could not bathe in a tub. This helps me to relax, as you know.
Take care, I hope to see you soon! Love, Dina

Hello Richard, Very interesting. Are you feeling better? I am with Nova all day doing the job hunt.It is part of my receiving UI $.
Dina(h) Cotton

July 22nd, 2008:

Hello Richard,Thanks for lead. Lanna has pooped out-too expensive etc.I think having the delivery delayed might have helped this.I am feeling weak and tired. Did acupuncture this morning,just wanting to sleep. Other stopped. If you let me knowexactly what happened to Brad's back vertebra I can researchwith my fellow teachers to see if there is a remedy?Will post phone party till Saturday (most all of the samepeople), with the girls.I could drive up on Saturday night after Diane's party. I am guessingjust around midnight? We could celebrate then?Take care!Love, Dina

Hello Richard, I am in class today, but did get your message about Brad!So sorry to hear it. Was it flying? Dina
ps Please read the following very interesting esp about the walnut!

Good Morning Richard, Will read article. Thank you. IsAgenics get together was so weird. A lot of fit pretty people and a lot of very un fit (fat) ones. Accuppuncture doing good, will go back Saturday morning. She said no dairy, meats or caffine,ugh. Back into herbal teas.
Dina(h) Cotton

Let's go to Monterey...Wednesday or Thursday. Will you come down after you takePanda to the airport. Please take a photo of her before she leaves?
Dina(h)

Hello Richard, Please review the adjusted starter kit for changes that I have made. Make any corrections you wish: It did not come over too clear...Anymaterials that goes to engineers (I know you do not wish this but a lotof them are color blind and a lot of faxes are not color so all should be black and white Marketing 101). I also made print larger (a lot of decisionmakers do now want to put on their glasses),and easier to read

Hello Darhling,I could not see where device was????????I want it shinny. (kidding) Also good try toget business. The concept is great butall of the paperwork in order (patents)?If it was rock solid I would go for it.Going to sleep early. Due at polls 6AMPaid Verizon got them to take off the $1.99 they alwaystry to tack on. 300 minutes to spare till June 7!Whoopee. It felt good to be together atCathrine's session today. I hear Kimberley wasat Sunday's session at the park?Shall we go on Saturday night? Dina(h)

This is about the pictures Dina sent me. Dated Thursday, May 2008:
Ricardo, Here is one Francisco took this morning there is another on it's way please pick which one you think is best!

Good Morning Love! When you get a chance please e-mail me your zip code as I will put your address on resumes that I send out for jobs up there
Love Dina

Where Did We Come From?
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race begin?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind began with His creation.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the humanrace was created by God, and Dad said they evolved from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

Hello Darhling, I have been to a few concerts at this house. The owner is a professor of music. Maybe a good cash generating idea?
Dina(h)

Well, that is why I sent it to you! I am not a Birdbrain! Enjoyed some of Golden Compass last night. Panda might like it. I found her nail file in car. Will save it for her. Keeper Cotton
Slept really good last night.

A Keeper Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress. Dad with a lawn mower in one hand, and Mom with a dish-towel in the other. It was the time for fixing things. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more. But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more. Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away...never to return. So... While we have it... it's best we love it... And care for it.... And fix it when it's broken..... And heal it when it's sick. This is true... For marriage.... old cars... children with bad report cards..... Friends……. Dogs and cats with bad hips.... And aging parents.... And grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it. Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special.... And so, we keep them close! I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper', so I've sent it to the people I think of in the same way... Now it's your turn to send this to those people who are 'keepers' in your life. Send it back to the person that sent it to you if they too are a keeper. Good friends are like stars.... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there People are made to be Loved and Things are made to be Used. There is so much confusion in this World because People are being Used and Things are being Loved.

Ricardo
Hey, Dinaland is a good place to hang out. I am out walking early then off to office. Is that figure gross and what would be the timeparameters? Went to hear Dean Markley play last night. You are so much better. He is loosing his singer. I did not get a chance to mention you but plan too. Dina Land South of where you are.

Oakey Doakey. I do not remember just who...I think you saw it in thepaper. At Kezar in the park. What time? It will be good to see you and Panda!
Dina(h)

May 9th, 2008:
Ricardo, I am busy here and it feels good! However I sit where there is a signed photo of George B. and Laura, nicely framed.What do you want me to do about Saturday? We told Panda about park party? Somewhere in suburbia...