I believe in You
Things remain the same for me, even though you have inexplicably cut all communication between us, again. My faith, belief, trust and hope in you is as it always has been: unshakable. I won’t go through all the reasons why I believe in you, you have too many emails describing the wonder of Dina. I think that I believe in you, but you believe that you are not what I see you are. That is why you cling to Bob and the desperation you feel that Bob is the success you will achieve. A fatal loss of belief in yourself and what you could have achieved...All in the name of money.
I believe in Us
My belief in the success of us remains unshaken: we are a pair of AKMFers. Failure will fall away from us. Tonight, I was invited to apply to be an Executive in Residence at the Plug and Play Tech Center, a incubator for startups. Chuck Boggs, the VC at ZenCache, is partnering with me to raise capital via his contacts, i.e. the CIO at Stanford and C-level management at Cisco. Thar’s gold in thar hills! I will succeed and I would have liked you by my side when I did, but you have to start believing in yourself and in us. I feel so foolish when I write these words. You have left me for money. In the time we have been together, I have never felt you have left me so completely as I feel you have now. The pain and anguish rents my soul.
Me
I have focused again on what made me what I have been: successful. All recreationals are out of my life. I have refocused on my diet, exercise and stretching. My mind is clear and focused. I have gone back to my basics. It will make me the winner I am and have been.
You
? All question marks. You are so focused on your financial security you have given up who you are for the almighty dollar. What is left but an empty shell of a person? Who you once were. I don’t know you anymore because you have transformed into God knows what. I hope you and Bob are happy. You have either succumbed to his wishes and jealousies, or you have succumbed to AA and, in trying to rid yourself of co-dependency and co-enabling, have lost yourself. I know you think you have found yourself. You think you will be happy. I would disagree, but who am I? Just a person who was not worth enough to you to become who you are and could be. You lost you. I hope you are happy. I hope you find a way to live with yourself when you took a second best life. And may be not even that.
Us
Gone.
Faith, Hope, Trust, Belief, Honesty, Integrity, Ethics, Loyalty, Character…All just words now to you. I thought they may have came to have meant something to you...No More.
I know you are gone from me and we are no more. God help you...And me.
God helps dumb animals, little children and people like me.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Dina Is Up To Something
Dina spoke with me four times last weekend. She told me she loved me and when asked, she said to marry me, I had to make the money. Then, before she cut me off from all communication, she sent me an email saying she was having power struggles with Bob. She said she wasn't having fun because she wasn't seeing me. Then she wrote she didn't see how we could work out. She said she didn't want to have me come down unannounced because she was afraid she would get upset and run away. She thinks I am such a strong force to her it is like I create magic when she sees me. There has not been any communication since then. Her phone has been off and she has sent no emails, nor has she responded to anything I have sent her. She is doing something. God knows what. I will probably hear something desparaging shortly. Maybe her and Bob are finally getting together. Maybe she is finally getting close to the money. This sickening. I so wish I had noy met this woman.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Dina and Richard, Again?
Dina,
Just sitting here watching a movie about Mike Tyson, the boxer, and all the mistakes he made because of God knows what reason. He had it all and he lost it all because he lost his confidence and the coach who died before his time. There are many reasons why people lose it when they achieve the top tiers in life. Sometimes it is just knowing your limits and when to be satisfied with what you have.
Just thinking about seeing you this evening and talking to you. I so want us to be equals, lovers, friends, everything and anything we can be. I want us to be together for the right reasons, only the right ones, because we love each other, respect each other and want the best for each other. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do. I only want us to get along and be the loving couple we can be. There is nothing more important to me. I want to make sure I get your input and you feel respected and give consideration to you in every respect. These are the things I want and what is important to me. .
I know if I consider your feelings, what you want out of life, how you want to be loved and how we can be the best together, we will make it. I am trying my best to be as honest, considerate, loving, caring as I can be for and to you.
I believe the words I told you tonight. You are the best person I know. Yes, you have some faults, but the beauty of you so surpasses anything else about you. I know you don't see what I see in you. Believe this: you are what I see in you and I know this. I know if I am there for you, over time, you will see the beauty of Dina. You can be secure with yourself and feel the love of knowing one's self fully and completely.
I know you are scared about your future. It is a real fear and something to be concerned about. I know, because of who you and I are, that we can be happy, secure and at peace with our selves and each other.
I want to be there for you. To help you see the wonderful person I see in you. To take away the fear and make us feel comfortable with our life. There is nothing in the world I want more than this. I have done what I set out to do in the past and I can do this for us now. This is not idle conversation or an idle promise. I want to take care of you. Be the man you have been looking for all of your life. Words cannot express what I see in you and in us together. It is like we were fated to meet each other the night I was playing drums in the park and then playing drums across from you. The beautufil halo of hair framing your face. That energetic, upbeat, happy person I met. I have never forgotten the night I met you, the first date (and all thirteen hours of it). We were meant for each other and I do believe there was the hand of God somewhere in all of this. The confidence I feel can be felt by you. We just have to believe in each other. The rest will take care of itself because we fit together so well: me, the confident, high-level, conceptual idea person; you, the totally functional, detail person, so knowing in how you move through life. You, the person who sees where we need to go and so capable of taking us there. I will follow you and the direction you put us in.
You are so good at all the things I am not, and vice versa. What a couple! Wha a life we can have! To be free, to live where we want to, to do what we want to do. It is all there. I see it and I know I can provide the where-with-all to get us to what we dream of together.
I look forward to seeing you tomorrow. I can meet you at the Lodge, or wherever. I love you and you love me. I know this and I know you know it too. Let's get over our insecurities and fears. They are only in our minds, not in reality because we are such effective people. We just have to believe. You know the rest of the words: Faith, Hope, Belief, Trust, Honesty. They are real standards to live by and to love by. Let's be the most we can be.
We can do it.
Please call me to let me know how you want us to get together tomorrow.
I love you, Sweetie.
Richard
Just sitting here watching a movie about Mike Tyson, the boxer, and all the mistakes he made because of God knows what reason. He had it all and he lost it all because he lost his confidence and the coach who died before his time. There are many reasons why people lose it when they achieve the top tiers in life. Sometimes it is just knowing your limits and when to be satisfied with what you have.
Just thinking about seeing you this evening and talking to you. I so want us to be equals, lovers, friends, everything and anything we can be. I want us to be together for the right reasons, only the right ones, because we love each other, respect each other and want the best for each other. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do. I only want us to get along and be the loving couple we can be. There is nothing more important to me. I want to make sure I get your input and you feel respected and give consideration to you in every respect. These are the things I want and what is important to me. .
I know if I consider your feelings, what you want out of life, how you want to be loved and how we can be the best together, we will make it. I am trying my best to be as honest, considerate, loving, caring as I can be for and to you.
I believe the words I told you tonight. You are the best person I know. Yes, you have some faults, but the beauty of you so surpasses anything else about you. I know you don't see what I see in you. Believe this: you are what I see in you and I know this. I know if I am there for you, over time, you will see the beauty of Dina. You can be secure with yourself and feel the love of knowing one's self fully and completely.
I know you are scared about your future. It is a real fear and something to be concerned about. I know, because of who you and I are, that we can be happy, secure and at peace with our selves and each other.
I want to be there for you. To help you see the wonderful person I see in you. To take away the fear and make us feel comfortable with our life. There is nothing in the world I want more than this. I have done what I set out to do in the past and I can do this for us now. This is not idle conversation or an idle promise. I want to take care of you. Be the man you have been looking for all of your life. Words cannot express what I see in you and in us together. It is like we were fated to meet each other the night I was playing drums in the park and then playing drums across from you. The beautufil halo of hair framing your face. That energetic, upbeat, happy person I met. I have never forgotten the night I met you, the first date (and all thirteen hours of it). We were meant for each other and I do believe there was the hand of God somewhere in all of this. The confidence I feel can be felt by you. We just have to believe in each other. The rest will take care of itself because we fit together so well: me, the confident, high-level, conceptual idea person; you, the totally functional, detail person, so knowing in how you move through life. You, the person who sees where we need to go and so capable of taking us there. I will follow you and the direction you put us in.
You are so good at all the things I am not, and vice versa. What a couple! Wha a life we can have! To be free, to live where we want to, to do what we want to do. It is all there. I see it and I know I can provide the where-with-all to get us to what we dream of together.
I look forward to seeing you tomorrow. I can meet you at the Lodge, or wherever. I love you and you love me. I know this and I know you know it too. Let's get over our insecurities and fears. They are only in our minds, not in reality because we are such effective people. We just have to believe. You know the rest of the words: Faith, Hope, Belief, Trust, Honesty. They are real standards to live by and to love by. Let's be the most we can be.
We can do it.
Please call me to let me know how you want us to get together tomorrow.
I love you, Sweetie.
Richard
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Tne End of Dina and Richard
Here we go again, my email to Dina last Wednesday, June 3rd.
It appears you have a reason each day why you don't call. This is the third day in a row. It appears you don't want to have a call you agreed to. What is the problem, so I can understand and act accordingly.
And Dina's response:
I am going through a growth spurt. It happens in the spring when the moon is full.Communication is good when something needs to be said. Sometimes what isunsaid is the most important. Guess it is your turn to not understand that I do not understand your goals with me. My intention stays as I have been saying, build up reserves, get this #@%&*** job completed and then meet. You,will probably be married Dick, Jane
And my response:
As I have already said, an opportunity presented itself that you and I should talk about.
Try to call me when you can and want to.
I guess I am being cut off from communication with you, again.
Sign me,
Don't understand in San Francisco
And a second email to Dina from me:
As usual, you don't get it. I ask you to call and you email me again. Call you: clueless in Los Gatos.
And then this email from Dina, my responses are in italics next to her comment:
As usual, AS USUAL- you are right and I am wrong. No, it is not a case of right or wrong. It is a case of one person being consistent and doing what she says she is going to do.
I am the person who did not love you in the way you dreamed of being loved. I tried. No, it is not a case of being the person who did not love me the way I dreamed of, it is a case of showing any kind of love on any kind of consistent basis. And, no, she didn't try to do anything but what she wanted to do in her selfish way.
I like your lifestyle up to a point. My insecurity came in with dealing where to live and how to pay bills, I have said many times to Dina that we gross $120,000 between us, this is a non-point, being with your children, gifts from God and all veryintelligent.Herein lies the crux of the problem, Dina does not want to be a mother figure to Panda because she sees Panda as being' Pregnant By 19" and all that statement of her implies.
I am the one who hurt you so terribly gave you such Step Mom pain.Forgive me I apologize. I did have a younger brother who was very pamperedand always very jealous of him.I am the one who ruined your 10 months of misunderstanding and caused youto walk barefoot on hot coals of Hell and cry to all who would listen. Forgive ME! All of this does not matter, the only point is she has hurt me for almost a year and when does she stop? There is nothing above that addresses that. Because she apparently can't do it. Do you always get what you ask? I do not! Does life go as in your script in your head? Take what the other can give and give what you can. Is that so bad?Dina is not offering anything. Forget about take what she is giving because there is nothing. For you this was not enough demanding more, more, and still morenot fast enough, not deep enough, not the way you wanted at all, not slow enough, not generous enough. There never was faster, slower, deeper, there was only Dina making up artificial scenarios that she then treated like facts and rudely, meanly, heartlessly drove deep pain into me because of showing me any respect in any way for who I am and what I have done for her. I only tried to have a relationship that she wanted. I couldn't even do that. What is her point here? She has none. Just a bunch of blah-blah to cover up what she has done for 10 long excruciating months.
I have not bought a meal on a date sincemy Junior Year in high school. Be more intense, darling I am not an intense person.I am half shy and half go for it. And it is confusing.Your love supersedes your ability to support it in the real world. Again, nothing here of consequence. Our dream world was fantastic. It was not a dream world, it was the reality we lived in and it was wonderful while Dina was stabile. Then everything went crazy for 10 months. See, I keep writing the same things over and over again because Dina has nothing new to run out as to what she is doing and what she means to do in regards to us. SOSDD (Same Old Shit, Different Day).
Lying-sleeping in your arm the very best!Richard, I do hope your ship comes in. I would love to see you in that penthouse watching the ships come in the bay. I could be next to you cooking up some exotic soul food.The second key part of the puzzle, If I get the money, then I can support her in the lifestyle she is seeking. If not, as I have said in previous blogs, it is hit the road, Jack, and don't you come back no more. I was staying away to feel how it would be without you.What the hell for? I thought when someone is the love of your life, as she has said and I have written about many times, you want to be with them. What is in this woman's brain? Nothing I can understand.
You are an actor and you can not help that. You do like drama and expressing emotionat any given second. I seem to have to analyze these This forced you into seeking friends family who all agree that Dina is the demonand you are the saint. I see it now. The only thing she is doing here is convincing herself she didn't hurt me. Nobocy thinks Dina is the demon or I the saint, apparently except Dina.
No one is all wrong nor is one always right.We are human we make mistakes. Some of us even try as hard as we can andstill end up sounding like children unable to grow at the set time out of patterned behavior.Call me Laughing in Los Gatos.I will not call you again over our lost affair however I would love to be able to call ande-mail about our lives and as we both have insight we could continue to help each other? There it is, the 'Breakup'. She does not want to be with me romantically. Only be there for her if she needs advice. Is that too much to ask? This was written on June 3rd, on June 4th she said she loved me madly and wanted to live with me for the whole summer to see if we could get along and get married. Need I say anymore? By Saturday, June 6th, she had talked us out of being together and then reversed that position on Sunday, June 7th, and wanted to be with me again. On Monday, 8th, she convinced me we had nothing and I broke up with her. How does anything she is writing here make any sense when you see what she does, not listening to what she writes because they are not one and the same; hence the crazingess of being with Dina at this time in her life. I haven't got the money and I need to go. That is the essence of Dina. It is not about her love of you, it is about how much money you have to make her feel secure in her old age. Done.
If it is too upsetting let's not do it or let'sstop.We both have been through a lot of hurt and change and learning tho I can only speak for myself. But not just all about you...And I would love to sing some more!Please do not add this to blog. I am very uncomfortable with being there. I understand why you went there as I was not there (here). I am glad to have gotten you onto path of keeping"tidied" up as gran would say. Removing the wreckage of your past to allow the goodness of the momentto come in. Taking the best care of family, family first. And you know that was hard, very hardfor me to see young one suffering and struggling. And to be in your bed with all of Julie's paperwork under was not a bit of fun.Do you understand growth spurt? As usual it is so much easier to write what I am feelingthan to talk. However, it is getting easier.Clue me inLos Gatos, with beautiful flowers
I
It appears you have a reason each day why you don't call. This is the third day in a row. It appears you don't want to have a call you agreed to. What is the problem, so I can understand and act accordingly.
And Dina's response:
I am going through a growth spurt. It happens in the spring when the moon is full.Communication is good when something needs to be said. Sometimes what isunsaid is the most important. Guess it is your turn to not understand that I do not understand your goals with me. My intention stays as I have been saying, build up reserves, get this #@%&*** job completed and then meet. You,will probably be married Dick, Jane
And my response:
As I have already said, an opportunity presented itself that you and I should talk about.
Try to call me when you can and want to.
I guess I am being cut off from communication with you, again.
Sign me,
Don't understand in San Francisco
And a second email to Dina from me:
As usual, you don't get it. I ask you to call and you email me again. Call you: clueless in Los Gatos.
And then this email from Dina, my responses are in italics next to her comment:
As usual, AS USUAL- you are right and I am wrong. No, it is not a case of right or wrong. It is a case of one person being consistent and doing what she says she is going to do.
I am the person who did not love you in the way you dreamed of being loved. I tried. No, it is not a case of being the person who did not love me the way I dreamed of, it is a case of showing any kind of love on any kind of consistent basis. And, no, she didn't try to do anything but what she wanted to do in her selfish way.
I like your lifestyle up to a point. My insecurity came in with dealing where to live and how to pay bills, I have said many times to Dina that we gross $120,000 between us, this is a non-point, being with your children, gifts from God and all veryintelligent.Herein lies the crux of the problem, Dina does not want to be a mother figure to Panda because she sees Panda as being' Pregnant By 19" and all that statement of her implies.
I am the one who hurt you so terribly gave you such Step Mom pain.Forgive me I apologize. I did have a younger brother who was very pamperedand always very jealous of him.I am the one who ruined your 10 months of misunderstanding and caused youto walk barefoot on hot coals of Hell and cry to all who would listen. Forgive ME! All of this does not matter, the only point is she has hurt me for almost a year and when does she stop? There is nothing above that addresses that. Because she apparently can't do it. Do you always get what you ask? I do not! Does life go as in your script in your head? Take what the other can give and give what you can. Is that so bad?Dina is not offering anything. Forget about take what she is giving because there is nothing. For you this was not enough demanding more, more, and still morenot fast enough, not deep enough, not the way you wanted at all, not slow enough, not generous enough. There never was faster, slower, deeper, there was only Dina making up artificial scenarios that she then treated like facts and rudely, meanly, heartlessly drove deep pain into me because of showing me any respect in any way for who I am and what I have done for her. I only tried to have a relationship that she wanted. I couldn't even do that. What is her point here? She has none. Just a bunch of blah-blah to cover up what she has done for 10 long excruciating months.
I have not bought a meal on a date sincemy Junior Year in high school. Be more intense, darling I am not an intense person.I am half shy and half go for it. And it is confusing.Your love supersedes your ability to support it in the real world. Again, nothing here of consequence. Our dream world was fantastic. It was not a dream world, it was the reality we lived in and it was wonderful while Dina was stabile. Then everything went crazy for 10 months. See, I keep writing the same things over and over again because Dina has nothing new to run out as to what she is doing and what she means to do in regards to us. SOSDD (Same Old Shit, Different Day).
Lying-sleeping in your arm the very best!Richard, I do hope your ship comes in. I would love to see you in that penthouse watching the ships come in the bay. I could be next to you cooking up some exotic soul food.The second key part of the puzzle, If I get the money, then I can support her in the lifestyle she is seeking. If not, as I have said in previous blogs, it is hit the road, Jack, and don't you come back no more. I was staying away to feel how it would be without you.What the hell for? I thought when someone is the love of your life, as she has said and I have written about many times, you want to be with them. What is in this woman's brain? Nothing I can understand.
You are an actor and you can not help that. You do like drama and expressing emotionat any given second. I seem to have to analyze these This forced you into seeking friends family who all agree that Dina is the demonand you are the saint. I see it now. The only thing she is doing here is convincing herself she didn't hurt me. Nobocy thinks Dina is the demon or I the saint, apparently except Dina.
No one is all wrong nor is one always right.We are human we make mistakes. Some of us even try as hard as we can andstill end up sounding like children unable to grow at the set time out of patterned behavior.Call me Laughing in Los Gatos.I will not call you again over our lost affair however I would love to be able to call ande-mail about our lives and as we both have insight we could continue to help each other? There it is, the 'Breakup'. She does not want to be with me romantically. Only be there for her if she needs advice. Is that too much to ask? This was written on June 3rd, on June 4th she said she loved me madly and wanted to live with me for the whole summer to see if we could get along and get married. Need I say anymore? By Saturday, June 6th, she had talked us out of being together and then reversed that position on Sunday, June 7th, and wanted to be with me again. On Monday, 8th, she convinced me we had nothing and I broke up with her. How does anything she is writing here make any sense when you see what she does, not listening to what she writes because they are not one and the same; hence the crazingess of being with Dina at this time in her life. I haven't got the money and I need to go. That is the essence of Dina. It is not about her love of you, it is about how much money you have to make her feel secure in her old age. Done.
If it is too upsetting let's not do it or let'sstop.We both have been through a lot of hurt and change and learning tho I can only speak for myself. But not just all about you...And I would love to sing some more!Please do not add this to blog. I am very uncomfortable with being there. I understand why you went there as I was not there (here). I am glad to have gotten you onto path of keeping"tidied" up as gran would say. Removing the wreckage of your past to allow the goodness of the momentto come in. Taking the best care of family, family first. And you know that was hard, very hardfor me to see young one suffering and struggling. And to be in your bed with all of Julie's paperwork under was not a bit of fun.Do you understand growth spurt? As usual it is so much easier to write what I am feelingthan to talk. However, it is getting easier.Clue me inLos Gatos, with beautiful flowers
I
Friday, May 29, 2009
A New and Improved Dina: she opens up
Dear Strong Shoulder,
Watch out for those Mercedes drivers (I, Richard, was almost in an accident yesterday). Going off the anti d pills had me in a tizzy, getting better. You know that I am a very gentle soul. Some days I feel that I should be kicking back in a rocking chair with loads of grand children and an orange cat. I am upset. This is very disappointing with you know who and his empire. I do not like the way I am reacting, there is anger there and being on guard. A lost soul who is all alone. He is angry and confused, in a lot of physical pain, lying to himself and yet I am workfor him, trying to make it all better. It will never be. Especially after this last incident. My co worker is a lot like me and yet not so sensitive to this swirling craziness a black hole. I, of course need to step back and look for the good and what can become positive. Income better wishing for the security of a modest home, un mortgaged! Three of my friends were laid off in the last 3 weeks. Finally spoke to Anne. She is what family I have and a step Mom at that. All love and welcoming. Her advice is to take a couple of thousand dollars in coins and keep this handy as she feels more banks failing with so much $ being printed that inflation will take over. Our gov. is unhappy we did not pass foolish spending that he is making us angry and cutting what we like to do and suggesting that our safety will be in danger. The deceit. And us aged ones feeling this insecurity when we should be relaxing. Do not use this against me but I miss you terribly. Especially your touch. I force myself to remember that horrible Thursday when you were here and so intent on forcing me to do something I did not wish to do. I understand you're passion as well as I can, it is intense as the sting of the scorpion and I crawl into my shell licking the wounds. I feel like we pass the tears back and forth taking turns with crying and not acting like the adults that our bodies look like and we should be. But we are human and hurt. Salt cures everything be it sweat, tears or the sea. That is part of some ancient saying, I will get the name an ancient Greek. I am not sure where my favorite jeans are. I must walk today. Looking at protein powder but this might be the thing irritating my skin. Having office lows in the PM at office. Getting out for a walk when overwhelmed. Ode to Richard the Lionhearted, protector of women. Smelling like the open sea. Living each day to it's fullest, the God's smile at you, and will continue to you deserve to be content and have your soul satisfied and at rest. Your core being omits the caring person you are. Your morphing is so well intended, as I do this too is noticed. Though I am not with you in person my thoughts stray to your kindness and accepting but beware of the sting of the scorpion when he does not capture his prey. He will go up, down around to obtain her sting, sting, sting. If he is lucky she will succumb to the power of his venom, which of course is only meant to show lady love how serious he is in his caring. It is narcotic enticing. She dances and squeals with delight dancing in the heavens, laughing at all who dare to take this happiness from her. Do not despair, you are the knight on the horse women dream of, yet when presented with do not know what to do with. We danced for awhile, entwined loving, if only for that that I am a better person for knowing you. For I the mermaid must be off into the deep sea, Neptune calls and is angry that I have been away, he roars into my ears and again I dive deeper in the depths of the deepest ocean the darkest blue, like a night without stars resting my head on the cool seaweed sleeping dreamless sleep, not yet ready to be awakened. R that is about as close to writing down feelings and torment of this crazy time of life. Will it ever leave? I am working hard with sponsor but there is only so much the program has to offer and so very much I do on my own good morning D
And my two responses:
Thanks for writing this to me.
It makes me happy you still have any feeling for me.
I guess the point is, it is great you have feelings still for me,
You should be so proud of yourself for writing this. Your effort to reach out and touch me worked. You have never been able to do this before. Be proud!
You can use Thursday if you want to keep me out, but that is part of the problem. Someday, you will recognize what you do, with your steel-like paucity of words, the way disillusion creeps into those who care about you. Your behavior, which you will not take ownership, as you say, of. I was led to believe you were back with Bob, (even Bob said that on Thursday, I was not off when I thought you were with him).
I cashed in my checks you wrote me because thinking about the two of you bearing down on me, left me feeling empty and scrared. I was feeling, because of your way of making things look so confusing, that because the checks expired, you two would say, 'Your out of luck. You have lost the money". I see Bob being that vindicative. He is not a person who inspires confidence in his abillit to be nice, quite the opposite. Try to remember me kneeling by your car, asking you, "Is Bob your boyfriend?",after he said, "Dina is my girlfriend". This is right before he traps between your car door and your car. This and your withdrawn coldness that week, after hugging me so tightly, nobody would blame me for trying to say goodbye. You left me SIX TIMES w/o saying goodbye. And you are going to blame me for your behavior? You even lied about being with Diane the night before. And your trying to leave the room, even after I told you I just wanted to say goodbye. You have never said you understood why I sent all those vague emails, trying desparately to get you to contact me about Bob.
You only think of yourself, not the man who loves you terribly. And the pain your unconsious actions caused. Own it. And forget Thursday. I thought I was losing you. And, for the last time in the 10 months you had NOT been showing love, only sending confusing signals that resulted in Thursday. Why can't you see this? YOU compromised my legal safety. I was scared and freaked out all week. But all you think of is how you felt. Wnat about the terror you caused me? Doesn't that count, or are you all that matters?
Forget Thursday. Confusing week. Lots of fear for my legal safety, You lying abuot where you were Wednesday. Bob saying you are his girlfriend. C'mon, I am only human. Let it go. It was a bad week. Can't you understand that and forget about what happened? We were both under a lot of pressure.
The pain I feel every day is enormous. The love I feel for you is so great, my entire existence is being threatened. When I came to you the last time, the alternative was to check in to the hospital. But you never recognize any of that. It is always about you.
AA teaches Selfishness has no part of an AA recovery process? Then you had better go back and work on that. I have never seen anyone be so selfish in my life. You act so wonderful, I fall in love with you deeply. Then, as soon as the love is flowing all around us, you spend 10 months in complete reverse of how you acted, that caused me to love, as I deeply do now.
Your actions were cold and distant. You didn't communicate with me, except in two-three word, confusing sentences. How many times did I write you and say, I don't undersand, please explain. I did that the other day, and you couldn't be bothered to explain. You have ignored me many, many times when I asked for explanations. It adds to my pain. And I suffer. I am scared to open my inbox. I am scared even more when there is an email from you. Is she going to hurt me again with her misunderstanding of everything.
You tell me you are going to see me on the weekend, the first holiday we have not been together in 17 months, except for Ann on Thansgiving. I do not see you and i get no explanation, except for a few brief sentences that are not that clear. You say you are going to call by Wednesday of last week, that doesn't happen and you won't even explain when asked on the text messages, (check your text history), you just ignored me.
I have never been treated so bad, the pain I feel is on the level of the wicked stepmother. And you blithely go on your way, taking care of you, forgeting who loves the ground you walk on. Why would you hurt me so much. I ask myself that everyday.
I cry every day, The new picture you have? I was crying before the picture and I cried in front of the photographer after the shot. The picture you have is filled with the love I have for you, it is expressed in my eyes. Look again at the picture. The photographer said, 'Think about the love you feel for Dina'. That is why my eyes look the way they do in that picture. .
I can be driving along, eating at a restaurant, going to the bank, whatever, and I just break out in tears.
I am crying just writing this.
In a recent email, you say 'cut it out',
I just hurt so terribly and I don't know why.
It is psychosis inducing. I love you so much and I can't get over you.
I gave Lynne my kid's phone numbers in case I don't make it. I did that last night. I am so scared I will never get over you.
I never, in all my years of couple counseling, ever see two people who belonged together more than you and I.
But where are we? Being controlled by the Dinameister.
Everyday the dark cloud of losing you, pervades my life.
Everybody says to forget you. That you are selfish and self-centered and only care about you.
I tell them, "Forget about Dina? Forget about the person I love more than anybody I ever met in my life?
Easy for them to say.
I can't just turn the switch of my love for you off.
It just doesn't happen that way.
I tell them, I will love Dina forever and the tragedy of what happened to us will never leave me.
For 10 long months, I have been missing you and hurting and longing for us to be back together.
It is funny. When you love someone and everybody can see the manifestation of your love, they say it is cute. Aww, see how much Richard loves Dina!. Aren't they a cute couple. They belong together.
But when one of them has a problem, read that 'you', my love for you is not so cute anymore, Now, it is obsessive behavior. Go figure that out.
I love you more than life itself. I love you more than life itself. I love you more than life itself. I love you more than life itself. I love you more than life itself. I love you more than life itself.. I can't say it enough times. YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME. When you are not in my world, which you basically haven't for 10 months, Richard is lost, lonely and confused. This is not me, this is Richard's love of Dina and it comes back again and again. Every day. The pain of losing you is causing me major problems.
That's it.
You do what you want.
I don't own you, I am hardly even your friend thes days.
Oh Dina! What happened to the greatest love affair of my life?
Why? Why? Why? Why can't I forget you and go on with my life? Questions for the ages and the heavens to answer. Because I sure can't.
Marry me and let's be happy for the rest of our lives! There I said it.
Bye.
__________________________
"Do not despair, you are the knight on the horse women dream of, yet when presented with do not know what to do with. We danced for awhile, entwined loving, if only for that that I am a better person for knowing you. For I the mermaid must be off into the deep sea, Neptune calls and is angry that I have been away, he roars into my ears and again I dive deeper in the depths of the deepest ocean the darkest blue, like a night without stars resting my head on the cool seaweed sleeping dreamless sleep, not yet ready to be awakened."
There you go again. schlepping me off to other women again.
Thank god I am doing something about this so there will come the day where I don't open your emails again. You are so cluelessly hurtful. Forgive the little children, for they know not what they do.
The hurt.
The pain.
Will she ever get it?
Probalby not.
They told me in Al-Anon, some alcoholics never get it.
You don't realize how much you are loved. It is not the sting of the scorpion. trying to paralyze it's prey. It is the sting of a clueless woman, whom I fell madly in love with.
The sting of the clueless scorpion, that is what you are. You sting me, (hurt me), over and over again. For you know not who loves you and who you should be with.
You will be with yourself.
Your words above just hurt.
Again, thank god my efforts to do something about a love lost will be paying off pretty soon
Soon...I will be free and you can be alone, or whatever you choose, but it won't be with me because you don't want me.
I know that and I am doing something about it. It is the only thing that is keeping me alive right now.
Without it, I would not be here.
I will be free of you. And you can be happy then.
You can write. You can play tennis. You can golf. You can work. But you won't have me.
_________________________________
Dina wrote me, saying she wanted me to post a blog I told her I would write.
My response:
No, maybe I will post the 11 Rules of Dina. That one will scare the bejesus out of you. But, I probably won't. Afterall, as you say below, you will always be my friend (tears are streaming down my cheeks for the loss of my loved one, now only my friend).
Why don't you just go away and leave me to my pain and suffering?
I can't take this anymore. I just cry and cry over the loss of the one I lvoe so much.
What happened to the girl who said, "You wait and see, I will be there for you.".
Gone, like the wind. Now I, in her place, I have this friend. Oh boy, I am so lucky.
Fall deeply in love to end up with a friend who never sees you. Who writes how wonderful you are, when she is not even in her home because she is afraid you might stop by.
This is all bizarre.
Watch out for those Mercedes drivers (I, Richard, was almost in an accident yesterday). Going off the anti d pills had me in a tizzy, getting better. You know that I am a very gentle soul. Some days I feel that I should be kicking back in a rocking chair with loads of grand children and an orange cat. I am upset. This is very disappointing with you know who and his empire. I do not like the way I am reacting, there is anger there and being on guard. A lost soul who is all alone. He is angry and confused, in a lot of physical pain, lying to himself and yet I am workfor him, trying to make it all better. It will never be. Especially after this last incident. My co worker is a lot like me and yet not so sensitive to this swirling craziness a black hole. I, of course need to step back and look for the good and what can become positive. Income better wishing for the security of a modest home, un mortgaged! Three of my friends were laid off in the last 3 weeks. Finally spoke to Anne. She is what family I have and a step Mom at that. All love and welcoming. Her advice is to take a couple of thousand dollars in coins and keep this handy as she feels more banks failing with so much $ being printed that inflation will take over. Our gov. is unhappy we did not pass foolish spending that he is making us angry and cutting what we like to do and suggesting that our safety will be in danger. The deceit. And us aged ones feeling this insecurity when we should be relaxing. Do not use this against me but I miss you terribly. Especially your touch. I force myself to remember that horrible Thursday when you were here and so intent on forcing me to do something I did not wish to do. I understand you're passion as well as I can, it is intense as the sting of the scorpion and I crawl into my shell licking the wounds. I feel like we pass the tears back and forth taking turns with crying and not acting like the adults that our bodies look like and we should be. But we are human and hurt. Salt cures everything be it sweat, tears or the sea. That is part of some ancient saying, I will get the name an ancient Greek. I am not sure where my favorite jeans are. I must walk today. Looking at protein powder but this might be the thing irritating my skin. Having office lows in the PM at office. Getting out for a walk when overwhelmed. Ode to Richard the Lionhearted, protector of women. Smelling like the open sea. Living each day to it's fullest, the God's smile at you, and will continue to you deserve to be content and have your soul satisfied and at rest. Your core being omits the caring person you are. Your morphing is so well intended, as I do this too is noticed. Though I am not with you in person my thoughts stray to your kindness and accepting but beware of the sting of the scorpion when he does not capture his prey. He will go up, down around to obtain her sting, sting, sting. If he is lucky she will succumb to the power of his venom, which of course is only meant to show lady love how serious he is in his caring. It is narcotic enticing. She dances and squeals with delight dancing in the heavens, laughing at all who dare to take this happiness from her. Do not despair, you are the knight on the horse women dream of, yet when presented with do not know what to do with. We danced for awhile, entwined loving, if only for that that I am a better person for knowing you. For I the mermaid must be off into the deep sea, Neptune calls and is angry that I have been away, he roars into my ears and again I dive deeper in the depths of the deepest ocean the darkest blue, like a night without stars resting my head on the cool seaweed sleeping dreamless sleep, not yet ready to be awakened. R that is about as close to writing down feelings and torment of this crazy time of life. Will it ever leave? I am working hard with sponsor but there is only so much the program has to offer and so very much I do on my own good morning D
And my two responses:
Thanks for writing this to me.
It makes me happy you still have any feeling for me.
I guess the point is, it is great you have feelings still for me,
You should be so proud of yourself for writing this. Your effort to reach out and touch me worked. You have never been able to do this before. Be proud!
You can use Thursday if you want to keep me out, but that is part of the problem. Someday, you will recognize what you do, with your steel-like paucity of words, the way disillusion creeps into those who care about you. Your behavior, which you will not take ownership, as you say, of. I was led to believe you were back with Bob, (even Bob said that on Thursday, I was not off when I thought you were with him).
I cashed in my checks you wrote me because thinking about the two of you bearing down on me, left me feeling empty and scrared. I was feeling, because of your way of making things look so confusing, that because the checks expired, you two would say, 'Your out of luck. You have lost the money". I see Bob being that vindicative. He is not a person who inspires confidence in his abillit to be nice, quite the opposite. Try to remember me kneeling by your car, asking you, "Is Bob your boyfriend?",after he said, "Dina is my girlfriend". This is right before he traps between your car door and your car. This and your withdrawn coldness that week, after hugging me so tightly, nobody would blame me for trying to say goodbye. You left me SIX TIMES w/o saying goodbye. And you are going to blame me for your behavior? You even lied about being with Diane the night before. And your trying to leave the room, even after I told you I just wanted to say goodbye. You have never said you understood why I sent all those vague emails, trying desparately to get you to contact me about Bob.
You only think of yourself, not the man who loves you terribly. And the pain your unconsious actions caused. Own it. And forget Thursday. I thought I was losing you. And, for the last time in the 10 months you had NOT been showing love, only sending confusing signals that resulted in Thursday. Why can't you see this? YOU compromised my legal safety. I was scared and freaked out all week. But all you think of is how you felt. Wnat about the terror you caused me? Doesn't that count, or are you all that matters?
Forget Thursday. Confusing week. Lots of fear for my legal safety, You lying abuot where you were Wednesday. Bob saying you are his girlfriend. C'mon, I am only human. Let it go. It was a bad week. Can't you understand that and forget about what happened? We were both under a lot of pressure.
The pain I feel every day is enormous. The love I feel for you is so great, my entire existence is being threatened. When I came to you the last time, the alternative was to check in to the hospital. But you never recognize any of that. It is always about you.
AA teaches Selfishness has no part of an AA recovery process? Then you had better go back and work on that. I have never seen anyone be so selfish in my life. You act so wonderful, I fall in love with you deeply. Then, as soon as the love is flowing all around us, you spend 10 months in complete reverse of how you acted, that caused me to love, as I deeply do now.
Your actions were cold and distant. You didn't communicate with me, except in two-three word, confusing sentences. How many times did I write you and say, I don't undersand, please explain. I did that the other day, and you couldn't be bothered to explain. You have ignored me many, many times when I asked for explanations. It adds to my pain. And I suffer. I am scared to open my inbox. I am scared even more when there is an email from you. Is she going to hurt me again with her misunderstanding of everything.
You tell me you are going to see me on the weekend, the first holiday we have not been together in 17 months, except for Ann on Thansgiving. I do not see you and i get no explanation, except for a few brief sentences that are not that clear. You say you are going to call by Wednesday of last week, that doesn't happen and you won't even explain when asked on the text messages, (check your text history), you just ignored me.
I have never been treated so bad, the pain I feel is on the level of the wicked stepmother. And you blithely go on your way, taking care of you, forgeting who loves the ground you walk on. Why would you hurt me so much. I ask myself that everyday.
I cry every day, The new picture you have? I was crying before the picture and I cried in front of the photographer after the shot. The picture you have is filled with the love I have for you, it is expressed in my eyes. Look again at the picture. The photographer said, 'Think about the love you feel for Dina'. That is why my eyes look the way they do in that picture. .
I can be driving along, eating at a restaurant, going to the bank, whatever, and I just break out in tears.
I am crying just writing this.
In a recent email, you say 'cut it out',
I just hurt so terribly and I don't know why.
It is psychosis inducing. I love you so much and I can't get over you.
I gave Lynne my kid's phone numbers in case I don't make it. I did that last night. I am so scared I will never get over you.
I never, in all my years of couple counseling, ever see two people who belonged together more than you and I.
But where are we? Being controlled by the Dinameister.
Everyday the dark cloud of losing you, pervades my life.
Everybody says to forget you. That you are selfish and self-centered and only care about you.
I tell them, "Forget about Dina? Forget about the person I love more than anybody I ever met in my life?
Easy for them to say.
I can't just turn the switch of my love for you off.
It just doesn't happen that way.
I tell them, I will love Dina forever and the tragedy of what happened to us will never leave me.
For 10 long months, I have been missing you and hurting and longing for us to be back together.
It is funny. When you love someone and everybody can see the manifestation of your love, they say it is cute. Aww, see how much Richard loves Dina!. Aren't they a cute couple. They belong together.
But when one of them has a problem, read that 'you', my love for you is not so cute anymore, Now, it is obsessive behavior. Go figure that out.
I love you more than life itself. I love you more than life itself. I love you more than life itself. I love you more than life itself. I love you more than life itself. I love you more than life itself.. I can't say it enough times. YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME. When you are not in my world, which you basically haven't for 10 months, Richard is lost, lonely and confused. This is not me, this is Richard's love of Dina and it comes back again and again. Every day. The pain of losing you is causing me major problems.
That's it.
You do what you want.
I don't own you, I am hardly even your friend thes days.
Oh Dina! What happened to the greatest love affair of my life?
Why? Why? Why? Why can't I forget you and go on with my life? Questions for the ages and the heavens to answer. Because I sure can't.
Marry me and let's be happy for the rest of our lives! There I said it.
Bye.
__________________________
"Do not despair, you are the knight on the horse women dream of, yet when presented with do not know what to do with. We danced for awhile, entwined loving, if only for that that I am a better person for knowing you. For I the mermaid must be off into the deep sea, Neptune calls and is angry that I have been away, he roars into my ears and again I dive deeper in the depths of the deepest ocean the darkest blue, like a night without stars resting my head on the cool seaweed sleeping dreamless sleep, not yet ready to be awakened."
There you go again. schlepping me off to other women again.
Thank god I am doing something about this so there will come the day where I don't open your emails again. You are so cluelessly hurtful. Forgive the little children, for they know not what they do.
The hurt.
The pain.
Will she ever get it?
Probalby not.
They told me in Al-Anon, some alcoholics never get it.
You don't realize how much you are loved. It is not the sting of the scorpion. trying to paralyze it's prey. It is the sting of a clueless woman, whom I fell madly in love with.
The sting of the clueless scorpion, that is what you are. You sting me, (hurt me), over and over again. For you know not who loves you and who you should be with.
You will be with yourself.
Your words above just hurt.
Again, thank god my efforts to do something about a love lost will be paying off pretty soon
Soon...I will be free and you can be alone, or whatever you choose, but it won't be with me because you don't want me.
I know that and I am doing something about it. It is the only thing that is keeping me alive right now.
Without it, I would not be here.
I will be free of you. And you can be happy then.
You can write. You can play tennis. You can golf. You can work. But you won't have me.
_________________________________
Dina wrote me, saying she wanted me to post a blog I told her I would write.
My response:
No, maybe I will post the 11 Rules of Dina. That one will scare the bejesus out of you. But, I probably won't. Afterall, as you say below, you will always be my friend (tears are streaming down my cheeks for the loss of my loved one, now only my friend).
Why don't you just go away and leave me to my pain and suffering?
I can't take this anymore. I just cry and cry over the loss of the one I lvoe so much.
What happened to the girl who said, "You wait and see, I will be there for you.".
Gone, like the wind. Now I, in her place, I have this friend. Oh boy, I am so lucky.
Fall deeply in love to end up with a friend who never sees you. Who writes how wonderful you are, when she is not even in her home because she is afraid you might stop by.
This is all bizarre.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Miss Manners To The Rescue!
My good friend, Lynne, gave me the following Miss Manner's article that was in the May 25th, SF Chronicle newspaper. I beleive it is telling me what to do. You usually do not answer any kind of hard question, but maybe you can have some kindness for my old, Dina-weary self. I am out of ideas and feel conflcted about you and your problems.
Here goes:
If he wants space, better give it to him
Dear Miss Manners: Two months ago, I started a beautiful relationship with a 59-year-old guy. I am 44. We broke up with our current relationhips based on the strong feelings we felt for each other.
After a month of feeling bad for his ex, my new man says he feels we should take a break, but after a few days, he wanted to see me. He hugs me for dear life when he does see me, but when we speak on the phone, he goes back to "let's take a break." I do not understand what's going on. He is talking with the ex, and I do believe him when he says there is no intimacy; they're establishing a better friendship. He was feeling a lot of guilt from their breakup.
The other day (Monday), he was to return my call, and I waited all night. Keep in mind he just lost a friend on Friday or Satudray. I decided to call and let the phone ring over and over. I left two bad messages, but I let it ring over and over.
Well, he finally called back to say this was the last he'll talk to me (He had said that to the ex when she visited me at the job, but now they're talking.) He told me I should've checked my email. I was unaware that hours before, he sent me this message:"Please let it be for now. I ask for solitude at this time. I am OK, but I ask that you not call me. I need to be alone, Thanks."
I felt so bad. I would not have called like that. How do I make up? I sent a reply that I had wanted him to see this important DVD that will help us both. He did not respond. I want to go by his home- should I? Help.
Gentle Reader: Oh dear. This is a lesson you should have learned 30 years ago. You wouldn't have believed your mother when she told you what to do, or rather what not do do, but at least she would have been on hand to dry your tears.
When a romance get to the point where the other person asks to be left alone, talking does not help. Suggesting relationship material does not help. Apologizing for calling does not help. All that makes it worse.
Your only hope is to leave him strictly alone.
Hope? Hope? Did Miss Manners get your attention with the only possibility that interests you?
It is only a a very slim hope. But if anything works to reverse a break-up, it is the emotional realization of what on he has lost. This is what happened to your beau in regard to your predecessor. He dumped her for you, realized she was really gone and went back.
In contrast, you are not gone: You are hanging around, and in a rather irritating manner, Miss Manners has to say. Instead, you should have made yourself totally unavailable at the first indication of his defection, so that his regret focused, instead, on you.
At this point, it is not easy, and no, you can't call him to say you are writing him off and going on with your life. But if you can get out and about, in an apparently relieved and happy state, worrd may get back to him.
Miss Manners promises nothing. But this approach will at least help you recover by giving you back your dignity.
__________________________________________
Well, there you see the litany of mistakes I have made with you. I thought being there for you in your time of need would show you the strength I had for you and us.
I made a fool of myself and lowered myself in my eyes.
I accomplished nothing because you are taking care of Bob now, You are not taking care of me, not in the slightest way.
I am a fool and an idiot. I didn't accomplish anything and I should have listened to what everyone told me. Maybe I would have had the chance I now have lost.
You and I are no more.
What we had is gone.
I saw your picture today on my phone that I took at the Ritz-Carlton.
I thought those were better times.
They weren't.
The problem was already steeping us in to the fact that we should have broken up then.
You tried, by your actions, to tell me you needed a break.
I wasn't listening.
I made a mess of everything, thinking I was doing the right thing by you.
I should have left you when you left me for Bob in August (see Miss Manners article above).
I am a fool and I apologize for my stupidity.
Here goes:
If he wants space, better give it to him
Dear Miss Manners: Two months ago, I started a beautiful relationship with a 59-year-old guy. I am 44. We broke up with our current relationhips based on the strong feelings we felt for each other.
After a month of feeling bad for his ex, my new man says he feels we should take a break, but after a few days, he wanted to see me. He hugs me for dear life when he does see me, but when we speak on the phone, he goes back to "let's take a break." I do not understand what's going on. He is talking with the ex, and I do believe him when he says there is no intimacy; they're establishing a better friendship. He was feeling a lot of guilt from their breakup.
The other day (Monday), he was to return my call, and I waited all night. Keep in mind he just lost a friend on Friday or Satudray. I decided to call and let the phone ring over and over. I left two bad messages, but I let it ring over and over.
Well, he finally called back to say this was the last he'll talk to me (He had said that to the ex when she visited me at the job, but now they're talking.) He told me I should've checked my email. I was unaware that hours before, he sent me this message:"Please let it be for now. I ask for solitude at this time. I am OK, but I ask that you not call me. I need to be alone, Thanks."
I felt so bad. I would not have called like that. How do I make up? I sent a reply that I had wanted him to see this important DVD that will help us both. He did not respond. I want to go by his home- should I? Help.
Gentle Reader: Oh dear. This is a lesson you should have learned 30 years ago. You wouldn't have believed your mother when she told you what to do, or rather what not do do, but at least she would have been on hand to dry your tears.
When a romance get to the point where the other person asks to be left alone, talking does not help. Suggesting relationship material does not help. Apologizing for calling does not help. All that makes it worse.
Your only hope is to leave him strictly alone.
Hope? Hope? Did Miss Manners get your attention with the only possibility that interests you?
It is only a a very slim hope. But if anything works to reverse a break-up, it is the emotional realization of what on he has lost. This is what happened to your beau in regard to your predecessor. He dumped her for you, realized she was really gone and went back.
In contrast, you are not gone: You are hanging around, and in a rather irritating manner, Miss Manners has to say. Instead, you should have made yourself totally unavailable at the first indication of his defection, so that his regret focused, instead, on you.
At this point, it is not easy, and no, you can't call him to say you are writing him off and going on with your life. But if you can get out and about, in an apparently relieved and happy state, worrd may get back to him.
Miss Manners promises nothing. But this approach will at least help you recover by giving you back your dignity.
__________________________________________
Well, there you see the litany of mistakes I have made with you. I thought being there for you in your time of need would show you the strength I had for you and us.
I made a fool of myself and lowered myself in my eyes.
I accomplished nothing because you are taking care of Bob now, You are not taking care of me, not in the slightest way.
I am a fool and an idiot. I didn't accomplish anything and I should have listened to what everyone told me. Maybe I would have had the chance I now have lost.
You and I are no more.
What we had is gone.
I saw your picture today on my phone that I took at the Ritz-Carlton.
I thought those were better times.
They weren't.
The problem was already steeping us in to the fact that we should have broken up then.
You tried, by your actions, to tell me you needed a break.
I wasn't listening.
I made a mess of everything, thinking I was doing the right thing by you.
I should have left you when you left me for Bob in August (see Miss Manners article above).
I am a fool and I apologize for my stupidity.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The Way We Are Now
I sent this to Dina this morning. I was going to publish blogs I had written last week, but decided not to because that was then and this is now. I am trying to move forward with what has turned out to be a relationship no more. Got to move on.
"Dina,
I have made progress with the pain and hurt I have felt because of the way our relatinoship ended.
I know my position now. I understand. Based on what you are doing with your holiday weekend, the look on your face and the way you acted when I saw you this week, and all of your emails of late, I got it. You have been broadcasting loud and clear and I was stuck in the past with what we had and have no more.
I know we are not going to get back together. That is okay.
I hope we can be friends, I hope you will talk with me and see me, when you can.
You are playing tennis and golf now. This, in conjunction with what you are saying in your emails, tells me you are trying to make the most of your life at this time. I want to support that effort, in any way you will let me. I want the best for you, irregardless of my feelings about us and what could have been for us.
I am here for you and want nothing but good things to happen for you.
I wish you would let me know how things are going for you, so that I can do what you say I do for you: ground you. I will be sorry if you chose to not include me in your life and goings on.
The pain I have been feeling will no longer be expressed to you. We have to move on and I would rather put my energies into being friends with you, since you don't want me as a lover anymore. I am okay with everything you are doing now and what you have done in the past. I forgive you and myself.
I love you, Dina, and want only the best for you and I will do my part to make things as pleasant as I possibly can between us.
Be my friend.
P.S. Let me know if you want to spend a few hours with me this weekend. There will be no mention of the past or trying to get back together. Let's just have some fun and forget all the past stuff between us and build a friendship. "
There is no sense in trying to pursue a relationship she obvously has no interest in having any part of any longer.
She has moved on, because she wanted to end the relationship for her own reasons. And I have remained stuck, in love, with a situation that is dead.
I have placed personal ads on the internet to find someone else. I have to move on. Dina has given me no choice. And I am.
I will never forget what we had and will try to find something else with another woman that will make me happy. I don't believe at this time Dina could make me happy, even if she wanted to.
Dina and Richard are no more. Hopefully, we can be friends.
That is all there is to say.
A relationship that could have had tremendous potential succumbed to Dina's concerns about her financial security and the fact that I didn't deliver in the timeframe she had in mind.
Okay. Got to move on, irregardless of what I think about her decision.
It is her right to do what she wants with her life and I have to respect that.
I am moving on and hope she will be my friend.
I want to be hers.
___________________________________
Sent this to Dina today after attending Al-Anon meeting at noon and buying the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book.
Buught Big Book, 4-week 12 Step Program Started
Dina,
When we were happier, I should have gotten more involved with you in your program, like having you walk me through the 12 steps. I regret respecting your privacy now as I am invovled with an old man from Al-Anon who is going to walk me through the 12 Steps for the next four weeks. I would much rather have you tell me the meaning of the 12 Steps. It would have made it more meaningful, but at the time, I didn't know what was about to happen to us.
I have to read pgs 58 -103 and I will try to have that accomplished by today. Funny, the guy's name is Bill, like in Bill W.
I have been going to Al-Anon meetings daily, sometiems twice daily. It is hard for me to accept their philosophy, but I have nowhere else to turn. Nobody else will listen to me about my troubles. So here I am. It is hard because all of the convesaton at these meetings is very depressing. I am not one who handles depression well, especially when it is so close to someone near and dear to my heart; namely you. The two books: Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics and Courage to Chose have some hard messages to swallow, but I am committed. And when I commit to something, or someone, I see it through to the end goal. And I will with Al-Anon, no matter what I have to do to complete the process. I wished my commitment to you had worked out, but I have to let that go.
And I have.
Hope you are having a good day and I hope to hear from you sometime. I will assume, by your lack of reply to my communication with you this morning, that I won't be a part of your Memorial Day Weekend. That is okay. Have a good time and know I am thinking good thoughts about you.
Love You,
Richard.
"Dina,
I have made progress with the pain and hurt I have felt because of the way our relatinoship ended.
I know my position now. I understand. Based on what you are doing with your holiday weekend, the look on your face and the way you acted when I saw you this week, and all of your emails of late, I got it. You have been broadcasting loud and clear and I was stuck in the past with what we had and have no more.
I know we are not going to get back together. That is okay.
I hope we can be friends, I hope you will talk with me and see me, when you can.
You are playing tennis and golf now. This, in conjunction with what you are saying in your emails, tells me you are trying to make the most of your life at this time. I want to support that effort, in any way you will let me. I want the best for you, irregardless of my feelings about us and what could have been for us.
I am here for you and want nothing but good things to happen for you.
I wish you would let me know how things are going for you, so that I can do what you say I do for you: ground you. I will be sorry if you chose to not include me in your life and goings on.
The pain I have been feeling will no longer be expressed to you. We have to move on and I would rather put my energies into being friends with you, since you don't want me as a lover anymore. I am okay with everything you are doing now and what you have done in the past. I forgive you and myself.
I love you, Dina, and want only the best for you and I will do my part to make things as pleasant as I possibly can between us.
Be my friend.
P.S. Let me know if you want to spend a few hours with me this weekend. There will be no mention of the past or trying to get back together. Let's just have some fun and forget all the past stuff between us and build a friendship. "
There is no sense in trying to pursue a relationship she obvously has no interest in having any part of any longer.
She has moved on, because she wanted to end the relationship for her own reasons. And I have remained stuck, in love, with a situation that is dead.
I have placed personal ads on the internet to find someone else. I have to move on. Dina has given me no choice. And I am.
I will never forget what we had and will try to find something else with another woman that will make me happy. I don't believe at this time Dina could make me happy, even if she wanted to.
Dina and Richard are no more. Hopefully, we can be friends.
That is all there is to say.
A relationship that could have had tremendous potential succumbed to Dina's concerns about her financial security and the fact that I didn't deliver in the timeframe she had in mind.
Okay. Got to move on, irregardless of what I think about her decision.
It is her right to do what she wants with her life and I have to respect that.
I am moving on and hope she will be my friend.
I want to be hers.
___________________________________
Sent this to Dina today after attending Al-Anon meeting at noon and buying the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book.
Buught Big Book, 4-week 12 Step Program Started
Dina,
When we were happier, I should have gotten more involved with you in your program, like having you walk me through the 12 steps. I regret respecting your privacy now as I am invovled with an old man from Al-Anon who is going to walk me through the 12 Steps for the next four weeks. I would much rather have you tell me the meaning of the 12 Steps. It would have made it more meaningful, but at the time, I didn't know what was about to happen to us.
I have to read pgs 58 -103 and I will try to have that accomplished by today. Funny, the guy's name is Bill, like in Bill W.
I have been going to Al-Anon meetings daily, sometiems twice daily. It is hard for me to accept their philosophy, but I have nowhere else to turn. Nobody else will listen to me about my troubles. So here I am. It is hard because all of the convesaton at these meetings is very depressing. I am not one who handles depression well, especially when it is so close to someone near and dear to my heart; namely you. The two books: Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics and Courage to Chose have some hard messages to swallow, but I am committed. And when I commit to something, or someone, I see it through to the end goal. And I will with Al-Anon, no matter what I have to do to complete the process. I wished my commitment to you had worked out, but I have to let that go.
And I have.
Hope you are having a good day and I hope to hear from you sometime. I will assume, by your lack of reply to my communication with you this morning, that I won't be a part of your Memorial Day Weekend. That is okay. Have a good time and know I am thinking good thoughts about you.
Love You,
Richard.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
