A New and Improved Dina: she opens up

Dear Strong Shoulder,

Watch out for those Mercedes drivers (I, Richard, was almost in an accident yesterday). Going off the anti d pills had me in a tizzy, getting better. You know that I am a very gentle soul. Some days I feel that I should be kicking back in a rocking chair with loads of grand children and an orange cat. I am upset. This is very disappointing with you know who and his empire. I do not like the way I am reacting, there is anger there and being on guard. A lost soul who is all alone. He is angry and confused, in a lot of physical pain, lying to himself and yet I am workfor him, trying to make it all better. It will never be. Especially after this last incident. My co worker is a lot like me and yet not so sensitive to this swirling craziness a black hole. I, of course need to step back and look for the good and what can become positive. Income better wishing for the security of a modest home, un mortgaged! Three of my friends were laid off in the last 3 weeks. Finally spoke to Anne. She is what family I have and a step Mom at that. All love and welcoming. Her advice is to take a couple of thousand dollars in coins and keep this handy as she feels more banks failing with so much $ being printed that inflation will take over. Our gov. is unhappy we did not pass foolish spending that he is making us angry and cutting what we like to do and suggesting that our safety will be in danger. The deceit. And us aged ones feeling this insecurity when we should be relaxing. Do not use this against me but I miss you terribly. Especially your touch. I force myself to remember that horrible Thursday when you were here and so intent on forcing me to do something I did not wish to do. I understand you're passion as well as I can, it is intense as the sting of the scorpion and I crawl into my shell licking the wounds. I feel like we pass the tears back and forth taking turns with crying and not acting like the adults that our bodies look like and we should be. But we are human and hurt. Salt cures everything be it sweat, tears or the sea. That is part of some ancient saying, I will get the name an ancient Greek. I am not sure where my favorite jeans are. I must walk today. Looking at protein powder but this might be the thing irritating my skin. Having office lows in the PM at office. Getting out for a walk when overwhelmed. Ode to Richard the Lionhearted, protector of women. Smelling like the open sea. Living each day to it's fullest, the God's smile at you, and will continue to you deserve to be content and have your soul satisfied and at rest. Your core being omits the caring person you are. Your morphing is so well intended, as I do this too is noticed. Though I am not with you in person my thoughts stray to your kindness and accepting but beware of the sting of the scorpion when he does not capture his prey. He will go up, down around to obtain her sting, sting, sting. If he is lucky she will succumb to the power of his venom, which of course is only meant to show lady love how serious he is in his caring. It is narcotic enticing. She dances and squeals with delight dancing in the heavens, laughing at all who dare to take this happiness from her. Do not despair, you are the knight on the horse women dream of, yet when presented with do not know what to do with. We danced for awhile, entwined loving, if only for that that I am a better person for knowing you. For I the mermaid must be off into the deep sea, Neptune calls and is angry that I have been away, he roars into my ears and again I dive deeper in the depths of the deepest ocean the darkest blue, like a night without stars resting my head on the cool seaweed sleeping dreamless sleep, not yet ready to be awakened. R that is about as close to writing down feelings and torment of this crazy time of life. Will it ever leave? I am working hard with sponsor but there is only so much the program has to offer and so very much I do on my own good morning D

And my two responses:

Thanks for writing this to me.

It makes me happy you still have any feeling for me.

I guess the point is, it is great you have feelings still for me,

You should be so proud of yourself for writing this. Your effort to reach out and touch me worked. You have never been able to do this before. Be proud!

You can use Thursday if you want to keep me out, but that is part of the problem. Someday, you will recognize what you do, with your steel-like paucity of words, the way disillusion creeps into those who care about you. Your behavior, which you will not take ownership, as you say, of. I was led to believe you were back with Bob, (even Bob said that on Thursday, I was not off when I thought you were with him).

I cashed in my checks you wrote me because thinking about the two of you bearing down on me, left me feeling empty and scrared. I was feeling, because of your way of making things look so confusing, that because the checks expired, you two would say, 'Your out of luck. You have lost the money". I see Bob being that vindicative. He is not a person who inspires confidence in his abillit to be nice, quite the opposite. Try to remember me kneeling by your car, asking you, "Is Bob your boyfriend?",after he said, "Dina is my girlfriend". This is right before he traps between your car door and your car. This and your withdrawn coldness that week, after hugging me so tightly, nobody would blame me for trying to say goodbye. You left me SIX TIMES w/o saying goodbye. And you are going to blame me for your behavior? You even lied about being with Diane the night before. And your trying to leave the room, even after I told you I just wanted to say goodbye. You have never said you understood why I sent all those vague emails, trying desparately to get you to contact me about Bob.

You only think of yourself, not the man who loves you terribly. And the pain your unconsious actions caused. Own it. And forget Thursday. I thought I was losing you. And, for the last time in the 10 months you had NOT been showing love, only sending confusing signals that resulted in Thursday. Why can't you see this? YOU compromised my legal safety. I was scared and freaked out all week. But all you think of is how you felt. Wnat about the terror you caused me? Doesn't that count, or are you all that matters?

Forget Thursday. Confusing week. Lots of fear for my legal safety, You lying abuot where you were Wednesday. Bob saying you are his girlfriend. C'mon, I am only human. Let it go. It was a bad week. Can't you understand that and forget about what happened? We were both under a lot of pressure.

The pain I feel every day is enormous. The love I feel for you is so great, my entire existence is being threatened. When I came to you the last time, the alternative was to check in to the hospital. But you never recognize any of that. It is always about you.

AA teaches Selfishness has no part of an AA recovery process? Then you had better go back and work on that. I have never seen anyone be so selfish in my life. You act so wonderful, I fall in love with you deeply. Then, as soon as the love is flowing all around us, you spend 10 months in complete reverse of how you acted, that caused me to love, as I deeply do now.

Your actions were cold and distant. You didn't communicate with me, except in two-three word, confusing sentences. How many times did I write you and say, I don't undersand, please explain. I did that the other day, and you couldn't be bothered to explain. You have ignored me many, many times when I asked for explanations. It adds to my pain. And I suffer. I am scared to open my inbox. I am scared even more when there is an email from you. Is she going to hurt me again with her misunderstanding of everything.

You tell me you are going to see me on the weekend, the first holiday we have not been together in 17 months, except for Ann on Thansgiving. I do not see you and i get no explanation, except for a few brief sentences that are not that clear. You say you are going to call by Wednesday of last week, that doesn't happen and you won't even explain when asked on the text messages, (check your text history), you just ignored me.

I have never been treated so bad, the pain I feel is on the level of the wicked stepmother. And you blithely go on your way, taking care of you, forgeting who loves the ground you walk on. Why would you hurt me so much. I ask myself that everyday.

I cry every day, The new picture you have? I was crying before the picture and I cried in front of the photographer after the shot. The picture you have is filled with the love I have for you, it is expressed in my eyes. Look again at the picture. The photographer said, 'Think about the love you feel for Dina'. That is why my eyes look the way they do in that picture. .

I can be driving along, eating at a restaurant, going to the bank, whatever, and I just break out in tears.

I am crying just writing this.

In a recent email, you say 'cut it out',

I just hurt so terribly and I don't know why.

It is psychosis inducing. I love you so much and I can't get over you.

I gave Lynne my kid's phone numbers in case I don't make it. I did that last night. I am so scared I will never get over you.

I never, in all my years of couple counseling, ever see two people who belonged together more than you and I.

But where are we? Being controlled by the Dinameister.

Everyday the dark cloud of losing you, pervades my life.

Everybody says to forget you. That you are selfish and self-centered and only care about you.

I tell them, "Forget about Dina? Forget about the person I love more than anybody I ever met in my life?

Easy for them to say.

I can't just turn the switch of my love for you off.

It just doesn't happen that way.

I tell them, I will love Dina forever and the tragedy of what happened to us will never leave me.

For 10 long months, I have been missing you and hurting and longing for us to be back together.

It is funny. When you love someone and everybody can see the manifestation of your love, they say it is cute. Aww, see how much Richard loves Dina!. Aren't they a cute couple. They belong together.

But when one of them has a problem, read that 'you', my love for you is not so cute anymore, Now, it is obsessive behavior. Go figure that out.

I love you more than life itself. I love you more than life itself. I love you more than life itself. I love you more than life itself. I love you more than life itself. I love you more than life itself.. I can't say it enough times. YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME. When you are not in my world, which you basically haven't for 10 months, Richard is lost, lonely and confused. This is not me, this is Richard's love of Dina and it comes back again and again. Every day. The pain of losing you is causing me major problems.

That's it.

You do what you want.

I don't own you, I am hardly even your friend thes days.

Oh Dina! What happened to the greatest love affair of my life?

Why? Why? Why? Why can't I forget you and go on with my life? Questions for the ages and the heavens to answer. Because I sure can't.

Marry me and let's be happy for the rest of our lives! There I said it.

Bye.

__________________________


"Do not despair, you are the knight on the horse women dream of, yet when presented with do not know what to do with. We danced for awhile, entwined loving, if only for that that I am a better person for knowing you. For I the mermaid must be off into the deep sea, Neptune calls and is angry that I have been away, he roars into my ears and again I dive deeper in the depths of the deepest ocean the darkest blue, like a night without stars resting my head on the cool seaweed sleeping dreamless sleep, not yet ready to be awakened."

There you go again. schlepping me off to other women again.

Thank god I am doing something about this so there will come the day where I don't open your emails again. You are so cluelessly hurtful. Forgive the little children, for they know not what they do.

The hurt.

The pain.

Will she ever get it?

Probalby not.

They told me in Al-Anon, some alcoholics never get it.

You don't realize how much you are loved. It is not the sting of the scorpion. trying to paralyze it's prey. It is the sting of a clueless woman, whom I fell madly in love with.

The sting of the clueless scorpion, that is what you are. You sting me, (hurt me), over and over again. For you know not who loves you and who you should be with.

You will be with yourself.

Your words above just hurt.

Again, thank god my efforts to do something about a love lost will be paying off pretty soon

Soon...I will be free and you can be alone, or whatever you choose, but it won't be with me because you don't want me.

I know that and I am doing something about it. It is the only thing that is keeping me alive right now.

Without it, I would not be here.

I will be free of you. And you can be happy then.

You can write. You can play tennis. You can golf. You can work. But you won't have me.

_________________________________

Dina wrote me, saying she wanted me to post a blog I told her I would write.

My response:

No, maybe I will post the 11 Rules of Dina. That one will scare the bejesus out of you. But, I probably won't. Afterall, as you say below, you will always be my friend (tears are streaming down my cheeks for the loss of my loved one, now only my friend).

Why don't you just go away and leave me to my pain and suffering?

I can't take this anymore. I just cry and cry over the loss of the one I lvoe so much.

What happened to the girl who said, "You wait and see, I will be there for you.".

Gone, like the wind. Now I, in her place, I have this friend. Oh boy, I am so lucky.

Fall deeply in love to end up with a friend who never sees you. Who writes how wonderful you are, when she is not even in her home because she is afraid you might stop by.

This is all bizarre.