The Saddest Words I Have Ever Written

Dina,

I know this email may mean nothing to you, but it does to me.

That is why I have to tell you what your words really meant to me last night, once I had time to calm down and think.

I hope you call me and want me someday. Right now, that means more to me than life itself (to quote Elton John). I am sorry things have turned out the way they have.

See my comments beside yours, all in caps.

Quote:"Such parts of our story we tell to someone who will understand, yet be unaffected. The rule is we must be hard on ourselves but always considerate of others". AA big book pg. 74

MY ONLY COMMENT HERE, FROM MY PERSPECTIVE, IS YOU TOLD ME YOUR STORY.

I UNDERSTOOD AND WAS UNAFFECTED,

NOTHING OTHER THAN TRYING TO OFFER MY COMMENTS AND POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS.

YOU ARE HARD ON YOURSELF AND YOU WERE ALSO HARD ON ME.

I DIDN'T FEEL YOU WERE BENEFITING FROM MY PROFFERED HELP, BECAUSE YOU JUST TOOK IT; IT APPARENTLY DIDN'T HELP YOU; AND YOU NEVER DISCUSSED THE PROBLEM WITH ME AGAIN.

PLEASE CORRECT ME IF I AM WRONG, WHICH I EASILY COULD BE.

Respect for others is the lesson that I take out of this Big Book thought. I must go to any lengths to free myself if I wish to find that peace of mind that I have sought for so long. However, none of this must be done at another's expense. Selfishness has no place in the AA way of life.

IN REGARDS TO MY PART IN THE ABOVE STATEMENT,

YOUR PROBLEMS BECAME THE MAIN EVENT AND SOMEHOW I HAVE ENDED UP PAYING FOR IT.

SOMEHOW, I LOST YOU WHILE TRYING TO LOVE YOU, AND HELP YOU. ALL TO MAKE A POSITIVE DIFFERENCE IN YOUR LIFE.

IF I WASN'T DOING THE ABOVE, I DIDN'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN LOVE YOU.

YOUR RECOVERY, AS IT SHOULD BE, IS WHAT YOU WANT AND NEED.

WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY, AS YOU DID ME, WOULDN'T YOU THINK YOU WOULD HAVE AN "OH, BY THE WAY" FOR ME?

AFTER YOU THOUGHT EVERYTHING OUT THAT YOU WERE GOING TO DO?

YOUR EMAIL HERE IS ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT YOUR SITUATIONS.

THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE AFFECTED IN A RELATIONSHIP.

When I take the fifth step it is wiser to choose a person with whom I share common aims because if that person does not understand me, my spiritual progress may be delayed and I could be in danger of a relapse.

IN MY MIND, THIS IS HOW YOU SET UP THE SITUATION YOU ACCOMPLISH IN THE NEXT SENTENCE.

So I ask for devine guidance before choosing the man whom I take into my confidence.

THERE WE GO, I AM OUT OF THE PICTURE. YOU ARE ASKING GOD TO CHOSE THE MAN WHOM YOU TAKE INTO YOUR CONFIDENCE. WITH THIS STATEMENT, I LIE BLEEDING ON THE GROUND. A KNIFE IN THE HEART OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.

(the following is from the first comments I emailed you, it does make sense)

WHY DID YOU MEET ME AND LET ME FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU IF YOU WERE GOING TO ASK FOR DIVINE GUIDANCE NOW? AGAIN.

I sought understanding from you.

YOU DID? I THOUGHT YOU SOUGHT AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE FROM ME.

REMEMBER HOW MANY TIMES I ASKED YOU TO TAKE THE CONVERSATION A LITTLE DEEPER? AND YOU RAN (see Valentine's Day at the Ritz, where, on Sunday I tried to get a little deeper with you and you left the room, you were so not going to talk about yourself.)

C'mon Dina, give me a break here. You may talk to some people, but really personal informaton has come out more in the emails you have written since you broke up with me, than when we were together. You did not seek understanding from me. This is the second part of your 1-2 punch to write me off. If you doubt this, let's see if we ever get back together again. I say, this is the official break up and you are done with me. You tried to be done with me six times over the past nine months, but you have come up with a whopper this time. I say, I believe you got it, Watson!

This train wreck destructive ship upon stormy seas sought harbor and realizing there was none began to crumble and go into dark places. Dark with thoughts of drink driving away the demons it has fought in the past. Not living in the now but dreaming of "how it was gonna be"-you know I do that very well. WAIT, YOU ARE REPEATING THE DERORGATORY WORDS TWO PEOPLE SAID ABOUT YOU. THEN YOU DELIVER THE KILLING PHRASE: YOU ARE TELLING ME YOU ARE GOING TO DRINK AGAIN. I ASKED YOU MANY TIMES, OVER THE 16 MONTHS WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER, IF ANYTHING I WAS DOING OR ANYTHING IN GENERAL, WAS MAKING YOU WANT TO DRINK. STARTING IN AUGUST, AND FOR 10 MONTHS AFTERWARD, WHEN YOU STARTED CUTTING ME OFF, I ASKED YOU MANY TIMES IF THERE WAS ANY PROBLEM WITH DRINKING. NEVER DID YOU LET ME KNOW, IN ANY WAY, THERE WAS ANY PROBLEM. YOU CANNOT GO BACK NOW AND SAY THERE WAS. THIS IS CONTRIVED, (MADE-UP IN YOUR MIND TO VALIDATE WHY YOU ARE LEAVING ME) AND THAT IS INAPPROPRIATE. YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE FINE. NO PROBLEMS. HOW DO I COMPARE THAT TO YOU NOW TELLING ME THERE WERE PROBLEMS? C'MON DINA, YOU ARE SMARTER THAN THIS.

I e-mail you when I am not working and can pull it together. If that is notenough for you continue to assume that I do not keep my word.

THIS SENTENCE IS VERY IMPORTANT. HERE YOU TAKE YOUR DESIRE TO EMAIL ME AND TIE THAT TO YOUR PROMISE TO CALL ME WHEN YOU SPOKE WITH MY COUNSELOR ON MONDAY, MAY 4TH. THERE IS NO CONTINUING TO ASSUME YOU DO NOT KEEP YOUR WORD. YOU RE-NIGGED ON A PROMISE TO SPEAK WITH ME ON TUESDAY, THEN WEDNESDAY, AND THEN YOU JUST FORGOT ABOUT IT. DINA, DON'T LIE. IT DOESN'T BECOME YOU VERY WELL.

I feel very careful with my work just now. I dreamed of the future in each others arms, but wait who was gonna pay rent, buy food, gas, cars, take care of everybody? WELL NOW WE WILL NEVER KNOW BECAUSE YOU, AS SEEN IN YOR WRITING ABOVE, YOU HAVE CONVINCED YOURSELF TO LEAVE ME. AS YOU KNOW, WE MAKE OVER $100,000 A YEAR. THERE ARE NO CONCERNS ABOUT FOOD, GAS CARS AND TAKING CARE OF EVERYBODY. AS YOU KNOW, I WAS GOING TO GIVE YOU MY $3,000 PER MONTH THAT I CLEAR. AND MONEY I EARNED FROM REVENUE OPPORTUNITIES. C'MON DINA, YOU ARE SMARTER THAN THIS. How was that going to happen? WE WILL NEVER KNOW NOW, WILL WE? YOU ARE ONE CLEVER PERSON. YOU KNOW I TOLD YOU I AM NOT CLEVER. I TRIED TO TEACH YOU INTEGRITY, MORALS, CHARACTER AND ETHICS. YOU HAVE NONE OF THESE WITH WHAT YOU ARE WRITING TO ME IN THIS EMAIL. IT IS SHODDY AND POORLY PREPARED. THERE ARE HOLES ALL OVER IT. C'MON DINA, YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS, CAN'T YOU?I feel you to be my best friend, you who know me the best. I try to understand you yet my past experiences have taught me that sooneror later I would have a drink with you. And then, my life as I knew it would be over and reality would come crashing in. SO, WHAT A GREAT DEAL YOU OFFERED ME. YOU DATE ME, WE FALL IN LOVE, AND THEN, BECAUSE YOU ARE CONVINCED BEING WITH ME WILL CAUSE YOU TO DRINK, AND THAT I AM LIKE YOUR PAST EXPERIENCES, YOU LEAVE ME. IS THIS FAIR? YOU ARE NOT GIVING ME THE CHANCE TO BE THE MAN YOU WANT TO BE WITH. THINK ABOUT WILEY, YOUSAID YOU DON'T WANT TO DESPISE ME LIKE YOU HAVE OTHER MEN. WELL YOU HAVE GOTTEN AROUND THAT WITH THIS EMAIL. YOU HAVE BROUGHT AA, SPRITUALITY, TYING FACTS TOGETHER THAT ARE NOT RELATED IN ANY WAY.

WOW, THIS IS A MASTERPIECE. NOT HONEST,THOUGH. NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT. HONESTY WOULD BE TOO, WELL, HONEST. YOU WOULD RATHER, GET ME OUT OF THE PICTURE, (AS YOU HAVE), CONTRIVE A STORY AND BLOW ME OFF. EITHER WAY, YOU DON'T LOVE ME AND THAT IS ALL YOU HAD TO SAY. TELL THE TRUTH. YOU MAY BE SUPRISED BY THE RESULTS.

YOU MADE THIS DECISION IN A VACUUM. WHO WOULD WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO OFFERS SOMETHING LIKE THAT? HOW CAN I COMPETE WITH YOUR PAST TO WIN YOU? OF COURSE I DON'T HAVE A CHANCE TO WIN YOU BEFORE I EVEN START. THERE IS NO LOGICAL WAY TO SAY YOU ARE GIVING ME EVEN HALF A CHANCE.

OKAY, BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH YOURSELF.

GO AHEAD, DO WHAT YOU WANT. YOU WILL ANYWAY.

YOU ARE SAYING ABOVE YOU ARE LEAVING ME. NOT EVEN BASED ON OUR RELATIONSHIP, BUT BASED ON YOUR PAST, WITH THAT, THERE IS NO WAY OUR RELATIONSHIP CAN POSSIBLY BE SUCCESSFUL. AND YOU WILL START DRINKING IF YOU STAY WITH ME.

You have developed a well-crafted way to get out of a relationship that you haven't wanted since August and the 'Leaving me for Bob' event. It has taken you a while and, granted, a lot of effort, but we are finished! I hope this makes you happy with what you have achieved. I am done. I can't take your lack of love and caring. I hope you feel free now to meet the man of your dreams. I just wish it had been me.