This is a rough, first draft. It is too long and way too harsh. Will modify this later when I have time to sit and edit. Dina is not this bad. I just did a brain dump and probably over did it, but...
Being on the inside of Dina is like being ensconced in a warm, well-lit coccoon
It is filled with intelligence, wit, charm and sense of a being of higher order being present (Dina)
You feel only the comfort of her warm body pressed next to you and you are surrounded by a love that is only describable as mystical
The other side of Dina
The insecure, non-trusting, wary, prone to value past experiences as predictions for future behavior, where you are guilty and will not be trusted to deliver what you can personally deliver. You are tied to the cross of these men's indiscretions and failures to meet Dina's expectations.
In this landscape, as opposed to the well-lit warm one described above,
It is dark and forebidding with Dina's distrust,
Cold and clammy with her insecurities
forebidding and ferocious in her retaliations for not meeting her requirements and expectations of you.
God forbid and help you should you fail to meet her high standard for your expected production:
Creating wealth to maintain her in her expected fashion in her elder years
What will you get should you meet her expectation
Well of course the well-lit, warm, inviting enclosure of her being around you
And what a special being she is, none finer in all the land
She will buoy you up just being around you
And should she decide to endow you with her charms
You will surely achieve Nirvana here on earth
In her arms and a warm, loving gaze
But don't fuck up, her warth is vengeful and quick
Dina
A person who can give very light compliments
And appear to not really mean them quite well
And is light on her feet regarding not keeping commitments, promises
And not even the most basic standards of common decency towards an unfavored one
She doesn't like deep, personal conversations and commitments, and has a tendency to run away from them when somebody gets personal with her, even her lover
She has a tremendous ability to misunderstand facts and situations
She takes no repsonsibility for her actions when she does
And leaves a trail of destruction a mile wide
In the wake of her inability to understand feelings and people correctly
Some call her a Trainwreck
Others call her Destructive
When she gets involved with someone or something
It is a light commitment. If she can't be successful quickly
with a situation with them, like a work commitment, it's good because she will only stay involved for a short period of time
And then move quickly onto another area of interest, like a bumblebee flitting from
Flower to flower, not being particular caring where she lands
This lack of accountability makes it very hard to know and understand
how and what she thinks about you, yours or anything else about you
And it may not involve you, when once it did
Figure that one out!
She is not one for the long haul
If it can't be done quickly, she is out of there irregardless
She does not understand love
She is in love with being in love
She will despise her lover for expectations not met
Not good for a man to get caught in that trap
Bad for self esteem and self worth!
She has a drifty, flighty mentality that continually
Obstructs her from achieving some important goals
And in the process, she misunderstands and misinterprets
Sometimes even the most basic concepts of life
Thereby leaving those she gets close to burned out and afraid
They get a haunting, eerie look as they fear the next stupid misinterpretation by her, thereby affecting these poor unfortunates even more,
When she mounts one of her clueless attacks on you,
You had better be prepared:
Call a psychologist
Get necessary phone numbers, i.e.suicide prevention, triage and emergency service
Get abilify and clonopin to help you through what is about to become a nightmare,
Where once there was love, passion, kindness and compassion,
Now there is nothingness:
No feel or presence of Dina anywhere
Just a barren empty landscape, with sage rolling around
The emptiness of what was your mind
She is not one for commitments
She committed to being there for the long haul for her lover
But this came to be found to be not true,
he was the only one committed, boy, did he pay for that
He was there for her, but, boy, she was not there for him
She was there for herself only
This is a woman you really don't want to get involved with
Nothing stays stabile and you will not enjoy the roller coaster ride
Of her emotions, problems, perceived problems, idiosynchracies and other
Unimaginable, scary scenarios her fertile mind comes up with
She percieves, without checking with one to get the facts,
And an incorrect perception of you arrives and you are finished,
Until, and if and when, she gets the story straight,
You will be screwed, hardly able to remember your name
Much less what you are doing
You become focused on Dina, she is all you are able to talk about
You discuss her problems she has made you pay for with anyone
You can find and the discussion of her ups and downs goes on forever
You write an incessant amount of blogs, thank God we are saving trees
With all this humongous poring forth of your anguish, pain and distress
She will talk about someone being the love of her lifetime
But she will not understand she said that and ends up leaving her lover
Sometimes for no apparent reason, at least none you are going to get
Out of her because she will not talk to you for any extended period of time
Sometimes as she is saying you are the love of a lifetime
You shuld be scared and concerned
because the axe is about to fall on you and you are actually about to be kicked out the door
And she will do this over and over again
Until you get it
And get out
This is a wonderful woman!
Someone who knew her well for twenty years, recently said
Dina has a lot of 'Issues" - codependency and co-enabling amont them
Dina loves to play games and not be held
Accountable and responsible for her playing and resultant destruction to others she hurts
With her ignorance and inability to tell the people she hurts the truth
Even if who she hurts by her playing gets burned
She appears to have a self-absorption issue
With herself and her problems
And how they affect her,
To the loss of consideration for others around her
Who will pay when Dina has a personal problem?
Well-meaning loving people can suffer ignoble fates
For being involved with Dina when she has a problem
She will not work with anyone to solve the issue
Instead, she will run away and hide
And one will not know
What she is doing
or
How she is handling her problems
Or even the outcome of her handling her problems
And how others are affected by her confused state of mind,
Wielding hurtful solutions around like ball and chain
Smashing all sensibilities, and slaughtering sacred cows
Razing whole civilizations that turn into dust in the wake of her incongruities
They will only feel the lash of her whip-like
Ignoring of them, while she thrashes about
Trying one unsuccessful, clueless idea after another
She will not be there for you,
Despite swearing she will be there for you
Just you wait and see
She will be there for herself, not you, not ever
Or she will shove the unfortunate, poor person
Who gets caught in her gunsights,
Mistakenly involved with her, to stressful heights
To get them to produce the money she has decided she wants
She is proud of her ability in this area and said
All of her men became more financially
Well off because of going with her
And this famous, warm, loving phrase:
"No money, No honey!"
Doesn't that warm the cockles of your heart?
Money is the #1 priority for Dina
Security, provided for by money
Is Dina's #2 priority
After those two priorities,
she doesn't care about too much else or anyone else
And is very flexible in her other choices to prioritize
But God help the person who gets in the way of
Dina's earning money, and thereby securing her security issues
She will drive over them to accomplish
Her fiscal goals, come hell or high water
God help the fate of an unfortunate lover
Who dared think he could be her #1,
While being in the state of low funds
He will be kicked to the curb repeatedly,
Until he either gets the money or gets out
She has no mercy, and she can be fatally vicious
To one's sensibilities and potential of staying sane
God help the poor wretch,
When she gets an impression of one's failure
To meet her standards
She will give you a little time,
But before the deadline, she will probably cut you off
You will feel a sense of being hung over a cliff and being dropped into the abyss of your unfortunate mistakenness. A sense of extreme loneliness sets in,
of being stepped on
And a sense of low worth because she will not
Contact you, acknowledge your existence in any way
except by sucking you through a straw
Namely, by only communicating with you via email,
When she has the time and when she feels like it,
You will feel the emptiness of the loss of Dina,
With all her charms, intelligence, wit and people-pleasing abilities
You could have been engaged to her a couple of weeks ago
And now it's as if she doesn't know you
Except when she checks to see
If you have resolved her issue with you
Ruthless, Mean and lacking in the most basic of social graces
When she perceives you are not meeting her requirements
God Help You
Best you meet her expectations in the timeframe she expects
Or suffer her wrath
Friday, May 8, 2009
Now, The Covers Are Off, And We See The Real Dina
Here we are again.
Talking about Dina
Again
For the umpteenth time today
And every day for the past period of time
Everywhere I go
She is all I talk about
I live in my own person Hell
Constructed by Dina
This is a woman who was my finace
Now, two weeks after being
Engaged for months
I can no longer see her
Call her
Or have anything
To do with her
Unless she texts
Or emails me
I cannot go to see her
And, many times
She does not even answer
The questons I email her
This is a case of total disrespect
Under the banner of
She is an alcoholic, for 35 years
and a dry alcoholic for the past 9 years
And she is now having a possible 'relapse'
Meaning, she feels threatened and
And may feel the temptation of
Wanting to drink
She said she knows that because
She has learned I can't be understanding
In her time of need
That she has learned,
From past experience
(Read that to mean, before Richard)
She WILL take that drink.
For this reason,
I have lost all rights
And priveledges
Of being engaged to
Dina
Even though the reason
She will take that drink
Is due to experience
Gained, before she met me
There is no describing
The personal Hell
She has constructed around me
By her actions and treatment of me
Every day all I think about is her
All I talk about is her
All my existence is
Focused on her
Her Problems
Her Needs
Her Wants
Her Desires
In Other Words,
All about her
I have no life
And I live every day
In the shadows of
Dina
Talking about Dina
Again
For the umpteenth time today
And every day for the past period of time
Everywhere I go
She is all I talk about
I live in my own person Hell
Constructed by Dina
This is a woman who was my finace
Now, two weeks after being
Engaged for months
I can no longer see her
Call her
Or have anything
To do with her
Unless she texts
Or emails me
I cannot go to see her
And, many times
She does not even answer
The questons I email her
This is a case of total disrespect
Under the banner of
She is an alcoholic, for 35 years
and a dry alcoholic for the past 9 years
And she is now having a possible 'relapse'
Meaning, she feels threatened and
And may feel the temptation of
Wanting to drink
She said she knows that because
She has learned I can't be understanding
In her time of need
That she has learned,
From past experience
(Read that to mean, before Richard)
She WILL take that drink.
For this reason,
I have lost all rights
And priveledges
Of being engaged to
Dina
Even though the reason
She will take that drink
Is due to experience
Gained, before she met me
There is no describing
The personal Hell
She has constructed around me
By her actions and treatment of me
Every day all I think about is her
All I talk about is her
All my existence is
Focused on her
Her Problems
Her Needs
Her Wants
Her Desires
In Other Words,
All about her
I have no life
And I live every day
In the shadows of
Dina
Dina and Richard: One Day of Communication
Richard, 12:02 AM: Do you remember hugs, sweet long kisses, cuddling, and just plain, old-fashioned loving?
Is what we are doing now better? No contact, no calls just the downward spiral of our love?
Richard, 12:13 AM: Are you ever going to let me hold you again?
Will we ever love again as one?
Richard, 12:14 AM: I miss the Dina I used to know...so much
Richard, 9:56 AM: All that you are going through is so important for you and I really understand. The hard part is on my side: the loneliness, the pain caused by something I cannot help with or have any effect on, except to leave you alone. I don't understand why I can't see you or talk to you.
Have a good day and don't let me get in the way of you addressing your problems in any way.
Richard, 12:18 PM: I just got pulled over because I was talking to my son, Corey, about your email, sent last night, that so devastated me (Got me going to Al-Anon!). I have been talking to everyone who would listen. I have a copy of it with me every where I go.
The cop, when told about you and I, did not give me a $147 ticket and let me go! Will miracles never cease!!
Richard, 1:24 PM: I came to my Al-Anon meeting at St. Patrick's. But the meeting was only on Thursday, and this was. So I went to mass at the church. After mass, there was an Anointing of the Sick. I feel this whole Dina thing has made me sick, so I got anointed. Then I spoke with the priest. He has a Masters in Counseling. He read your email of last night. He said you don't want me anymore and that you said bad things about me in the email. I told him I love you. He said he doesn't think you love me. Please tell me if I am wrong. I can walk away from you and not look back.
Dina, 4:30 PM: Please go out and have some fun tonight? If only...
Richard, 4:36 PM: If you only knew the pain I am feeling, for no other reason than the fact that you just don't want me. I am miserable and sorry I met you. Why don't you care how I feel at all, lately? I would not hurt you like this. I just couldn't be a part of causing any one this level of pain. Why are you doing this to me? What did I do to warrant this treatment from you?
Richard, 4:37 PM: New blog followed by corrected email rely to yours last night.
Dina, 4:42 PM: Part of message? Do live your life and we will meet up when this project is over? It should be around November You are so intense that you easily overwhelm me
Dina, 4:44 PM: To heck with Priest I am jealous I find myself with AA crowd So good you go to Al Annon and found a friend. It is hard for us needy souls. When we get hurt
Dina, 4:50 PM: I dn not want to hurt you. This is not easy either. I am in smelly salon to get haircut. Never have I been so missunderstood I feel you think that you are
Richard, 4:52 PM: I am overwhelming you? Your behavior is overwhelming me because I can't see you, and it leaves me hurting. The woman I love hasn't seen me in three weeks, doesn't want to and I don't know why. Take ownership of the pain and hurt you are causing for me. You are safe and warm in your 'little nest' as you call the hotel suite you live in. Why care that Richard loves you and wants to be with you? It is easier to just lob words at me and ignore how I feel. All this intensity is caused by your behavior and treatment of me. How dare you tell me to just go and have fun, when the reason I am hurting in the first place is caused by you and your crazy way of handling me and our relationshipl. You act like everything is okay between us and I should just go out and have some fun.
I AM MISSING YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS ME TO EVEN WRITE TO YOU.
Help me.
Dina, 4:52 PM: You deserve a real full time woman who can dream your dreams, love you unconditionally
Richard, 4:57 PM: No, I just want to see you, even for a little while, that would make me happy. No need for any drama. Just be with you and hold you. I have the movie, 'Curious Case of Benjamin Button'. Why don't we watch it?
Dina, I am only overwrought because I can't see you.
How about a phone call?
I would like to hear how your day went.
How about the cop not giving me a ticket when he caught me on the phone while driving?
Dina, 4:58 PM: You judge mee too much
Dina, 4:57 PM: Please oh please do not hurt You are dwelling on the pain Please dwell on the happiness off today
Dina, 5:00 PM: Amazing no ticket by the way they are $123 Two of my friends also have them Off to have color washed out
Richard, 5:04 PM: Why do you care so little about how I feel about all of this? Why don't you care a little about me, even a little bit? Your replys are so unfeeling and lacking in caring towards me. Why are you hurting me by treating me this way? I just want to talk to you or see you. Why is that so hard to tell me what you can do or not do? Why is that so hard?
Richard, 5:15 PM: Can we have a phone call? If you feel like it is too much, you can hang up.
Sound fair?
Richard, 5:47 PM: Will you call me? It would make me feel better and not so sad. Got Heart? Call me.
Richard, 6:00 PM: Okay, I guess communication is over with you for the day.
Do take care of yourself. I know you will.
Is what we are doing now better? No contact, no calls just the downward spiral of our love?
Richard, 12:13 AM: Are you ever going to let me hold you again?
Will we ever love again as one?
Richard, 12:14 AM: I miss the Dina I used to know...so much
Richard, 9:56 AM: All that you are going through is so important for you and I really understand. The hard part is on my side: the loneliness, the pain caused by something I cannot help with or have any effect on, except to leave you alone. I don't understand why I can't see you or talk to you.
Have a good day and don't let me get in the way of you addressing your problems in any way.
Richard, 12:18 PM: I just got pulled over because I was talking to my son, Corey, about your email, sent last night, that so devastated me (Got me going to Al-Anon!). I have been talking to everyone who would listen. I have a copy of it with me every where I go.
The cop, when told about you and I, did not give me a $147 ticket and let me go! Will miracles never cease!!
Richard, 1:24 PM: I came to my Al-Anon meeting at St. Patrick's. But the meeting was only on Thursday, and this was. So I went to mass at the church. After mass, there was an Anointing of the Sick. I feel this whole Dina thing has made me sick, so I got anointed. Then I spoke with the priest. He has a Masters in Counseling. He read your email of last night. He said you don't want me anymore and that you said bad things about me in the email. I told him I love you. He said he doesn't think you love me. Please tell me if I am wrong. I can walk away from you and not look back.
Dina, 4:30 PM: Please go out and have some fun tonight? If only...
Richard, 4:36 PM: If you only knew the pain I am feeling, for no other reason than the fact that you just don't want me. I am miserable and sorry I met you. Why don't you care how I feel at all, lately? I would not hurt you like this. I just couldn't be a part of causing any one this level of pain. Why are you doing this to me? What did I do to warrant this treatment from you?
Richard, 4:37 PM: New blog followed by corrected email rely to yours last night.
Dina, 4:42 PM: Part of message? Do live your life and we will meet up when this project is over? It should be around November You are so intense that you easily overwhelm me
Dina, 4:44 PM: To heck with Priest I am jealous I find myself with AA crowd So good you go to Al Annon and found a friend. It is hard for us needy souls. When we get hurt
Dina, 4:50 PM: I dn not want to hurt you. This is not easy either. I am in smelly salon to get haircut. Never have I been so missunderstood I feel you think that you are
Richard, 4:52 PM: I am overwhelming you? Your behavior is overwhelming me because I can't see you, and it leaves me hurting. The woman I love hasn't seen me in three weeks, doesn't want to and I don't know why. Take ownership of the pain and hurt you are causing for me. You are safe and warm in your 'little nest' as you call the hotel suite you live in. Why care that Richard loves you and wants to be with you? It is easier to just lob words at me and ignore how I feel. All this intensity is caused by your behavior and treatment of me. How dare you tell me to just go and have fun, when the reason I am hurting in the first place is caused by you and your crazy way of handling me and our relationshipl. You act like everything is okay between us and I should just go out and have some fun.
I AM MISSING YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS ME TO EVEN WRITE TO YOU.
Help me.
Dina, 4:52 PM: You deserve a real full time woman who can dream your dreams, love you unconditionally
Richard, 4:57 PM: No, I just want to see you, even for a little while, that would make me happy. No need for any drama. Just be with you and hold you. I have the movie, 'Curious Case of Benjamin Button'. Why don't we watch it?
Dina, I am only overwrought because I can't see you.
How about a phone call?
I would like to hear how your day went.
How about the cop not giving me a ticket when he caught me on the phone while driving?
Dina, 4:58 PM: You judge mee too much
Dina, 4:57 PM: Please oh please do not hurt You are dwelling on the pain Please dwell on the happiness off today
Dina, 5:00 PM: Amazing no ticket by the way they are $123 Two of my friends also have them Off to have color washed out
Richard, 5:04 PM: Why do you care so little about how I feel about all of this? Why don't you care a little about me, even a little bit? Your replys are so unfeeling and lacking in caring towards me. Why are you hurting me by treating me this way? I just want to talk to you or see you. Why is that so hard to tell me what you can do or not do? Why is that so hard?
Richard, 5:15 PM: Can we have a phone call? If you feel like it is too much, you can hang up.
Sound fair?
Richard, 5:47 PM: Will you call me? It would make me feel better and not so sad. Got Heart? Call me.
Richard, 6:00 PM: Okay, I guess communication is over with you for the day.
Do take care of yourself. I know you will.
The Saddest Words I Have Ever Written
Dina,
I know this email may mean nothing to you, but it does to me.
That is why I have to tell you what your words really meant to me last night, once I had time to calm down and think.
I hope you call me and want me someday. Right now, that means more to me than life itself (to quote Elton John). I am sorry things have turned out the way they have.
See my comments beside yours, all in caps.
Quote:"Such parts of our story we tell to someone who will understand, yet be unaffected. The rule is we must be hard on ourselves but always considerate of others". AA big book pg. 74
MY ONLY COMMENT HERE, FROM MY PERSPECTIVE, IS YOU TOLD ME YOUR STORY.
I UNDERSTOOD AND WAS UNAFFECTED,
NOTHING OTHER THAN TRYING TO OFFER MY COMMENTS AND POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS.
YOU ARE HARD ON YOURSELF AND YOU WERE ALSO HARD ON ME.
I DIDN'T FEEL YOU WERE BENEFITING FROM MY PROFFERED HELP, BECAUSE YOU JUST TOOK IT; IT APPARENTLY DIDN'T HELP YOU; AND YOU NEVER DISCUSSED THE PROBLEM WITH ME AGAIN.
PLEASE CORRECT ME IF I AM WRONG, WHICH I EASILY COULD BE.
Respect for others is the lesson that I take out of this Big Book thought. I must go to any lengths to free myself if I wish to find that peace of mind that I have sought for so long. However, none of this must be done at another's expense. Selfishness has no place in the AA way of life.
IN REGARDS TO MY PART IN THE ABOVE STATEMENT,
YOUR PROBLEMS BECAME THE MAIN EVENT AND SOMEHOW I HAVE ENDED UP PAYING FOR IT.
SOMEHOW, I LOST YOU WHILE TRYING TO LOVE YOU, AND HELP YOU. ALL TO MAKE A POSITIVE DIFFERENCE IN YOUR LIFE.
IF I WASN'T DOING THE ABOVE, I DIDN'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN LOVE YOU.
YOUR RECOVERY, AS IT SHOULD BE, IS WHAT YOU WANT AND NEED.
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY, AS YOU DID ME, WOULDN'T YOU THINK YOU WOULD HAVE AN "OH, BY THE WAY" FOR ME?
AFTER YOU THOUGHT EVERYTHING OUT THAT YOU WERE GOING TO DO?
YOUR EMAIL HERE IS ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT YOUR SITUATIONS.
THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE AFFECTED IN A RELATIONSHIP.
When I take the fifth step it is wiser to choose a person with whom I share common aims because if that person does not understand me, my spiritual progress may be delayed and I could be in danger of a relapse.
IN MY MIND, THIS IS HOW YOU SET UP THE SITUATION YOU ACCOMPLISH IN THE NEXT SENTENCE.
So I ask for devine guidance before choosing the man whom I take into my confidence.
THERE WE GO, I AM OUT OF THE PICTURE. YOU ARE ASKING GOD TO CHOSE THE MAN WHOM YOU TAKE INTO YOUR CONFIDENCE. WITH THIS STATEMENT, I LIE BLEEDING ON THE GROUND. A KNIFE IN THE HEART OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.
(the following is from the first comments I emailed you, it does make sense)
WHY DID YOU MEET ME AND LET ME FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU IF YOU WERE GOING TO ASK FOR DIVINE GUIDANCE NOW? AGAIN.
I sought understanding from you.
YOU DID? I THOUGHT YOU SOUGHT AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE FROM ME.
REMEMBER HOW MANY TIMES I ASKED YOU TO TAKE THE CONVERSATION A LITTLE DEEPER? AND YOU RAN (see Valentine's Day at the Ritz, where, on Sunday I tried to get a little deeper with you and you left the room, you were so not going to talk about yourself.)
C'mon Dina, give me a break here. You may talk to some people, but really personal informaton has come out more in the emails you have written since you broke up with me, than when we were together. You did not seek understanding from me. This is the second part of your 1-2 punch to write me off. If you doubt this, let's see if we ever get back together again. I say, this is the official break up and you are done with me. You tried to be done with me six times over the past nine months, but you have come up with a whopper this time. I say, I believe you got it, Watson!
This train wreck destructive ship upon stormy seas sought harbor and realizing there was none began to crumble and go into dark places. Dark with thoughts of drink driving away the demons it has fought in the past. Not living in the now but dreaming of "how it was gonna be"-you know I do that very well. WAIT, YOU ARE REPEATING THE DERORGATORY WORDS TWO PEOPLE SAID ABOUT YOU. THEN YOU DELIVER THE KILLING PHRASE: YOU ARE TELLING ME YOU ARE GOING TO DRINK AGAIN. I ASKED YOU MANY TIMES, OVER THE 16 MONTHS WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER, IF ANYTHING I WAS DOING OR ANYTHING IN GENERAL, WAS MAKING YOU WANT TO DRINK. STARTING IN AUGUST, AND FOR 10 MONTHS AFTERWARD, WHEN YOU STARTED CUTTING ME OFF, I ASKED YOU MANY TIMES IF THERE WAS ANY PROBLEM WITH DRINKING. NEVER DID YOU LET ME KNOW, IN ANY WAY, THERE WAS ANY PROBLEM. YOU CANNOT GO BACK NOW AND SAY THERE WAS. THIS IS CONTRIVED, (MADE-UP IN YOUR MIND TO VALIDATE WHY YOU ARE LEAVING ME) AND THAT IS INAPPROPRIATE. YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE FINE. NO PROBLEMS. HOW DO I COMPARE THAT TO YOU NOW TELLING ME THERE WERE PROBLEMS? C'MON DINA, YOU ARE SMARTER THAN THIS.
I e-mail you when I am not working and can pull it together. If that is notenough for you continue to assume that I do not keep my word.
THIS SENTENCE IS VERY IMPORTANT. HERE YOU TAKE YOUR DESIRE TO EMAIL ME AND TIE THAT TO YOUR PROMISE TO CALL ME WHEN YOU SPOKE WITH MY COUNSELOR ON MONDAY, MAY 4TH. THERE IS NO CONTINUING TO ASSUME YOU DO NOT KEEP YOUR WORD. YOU RE-NIGGED ON A PROMISE TO SPEAK WITH ME ON TUESDAY, THEN WEDNESDAY, AND THEN YOU JUST FORGOT ABOUT IT. DINA, DON'T LIE. IT DOESN'T BECOME YOU VERY WELL.
I feel very careful with my work just now. I dreamed of the future in each others arms, but wait who was gonna pay rent, buy food, gas, cars, take care of everybody? WELL NOW WE WILL NEVER KNOW BECAUSE YOU, AS SEEN IN YOR WRITING ABOVE, YOU HAVE CONVINCED YOURSELF TO LEAVE ME. AS YOU KNOW, WE MAKE OVER $100,000 A YEAR. THERE ARE NO CONCERNS ABOUT FOOD, GAS CARS AND TAKING CARE OF EVERYBODY. AS YOU KNOW, I WAS GOING TO GIVE YOU MY $3,000 PER MONTH THAT I CLEAR. AND MONEY I EARNED FROM REVENUE OPPORTUNITIES. C'MON DINA, YOU ARE SMARTER THAN THIS. How was that going to happen? WE WILL NEVER KNOW NOW, WILL WE? YOU ARE ONE CLEVER PERSON. YOU KNOW I TOLD YOU I AM NOT CLEVER. I TRIED TO TEACH YOU INTEGRITY, MORALS, CHARACTER AND ETHICS. YOU HAVE NONE OF THESE WITH WHAT YOU ARE WRITING TO ME IN THIS EMAIL. IT IS SHODDY AND POORLY PREPARED. THERE ARE HOLES ALL OVER IT. C'MON DINA, YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS, CAN'T YOU?I feel you to be my best friend, you who know me the best. I try to understand you yet my past experiences have taught me that sooneror later I would have a drink with you. And then, my life as I knew it would be over and reality would come crashing in. SO, WHAT A GREAT DEAL YOU OFFERED ME. YOU DATE ME, WE FALL IN LOVE, AND THEN, BECAUSE YOU ARE CONVINCED BEING WITH ME WILL CAUSE YOU TO DRINK, AND THAT I AM LIKE YOUR PAST EXPERIENCES, YOU LEAVE ME. IS THIS FAIR? YOU ARE NOT GIVING ME THE CHANCE TO BE THE MAN YOU WANT TO BE WITH. THINK ABOUT WILEY, YOUSAID YOU DON'T WANT TO DESPISE ME LIKE YOU HAVE OTHER MEN. WELL YOU HAVE GOTTEN AROUND THAT WITH THIS EMAIL. YOU HAVE BROUGHT AA, SPRITUALITY, TYING FACTS TOGETHER THAT ARE NOT RELATED IN ANY WAY.
WOW, THIS IS A MASTERPIECE. NOT HONEST,THOUGH. NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT. HONESTY WOULD BE TOO, WELL, HONEST. YOU WOULD RATHER, GET ME OUT OF THE PICTURE, (AS YOU HAVE), CONTRIVE A STORY AND BLOW ME OFF. EITHER WAY, YOU DON'T LOVE ME AND THAT IS ALL YOU HAD TO SAY. TELL THE TRUTH. YOU MAY BE SUPRISED BY THE RESULTS.
YOU MADE THIS DECISION IN A VACUUM. WHO WOULD WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO OFFERS SOMETHING LIKE THAT? HOW CAN I COMPETE WITH YOUR PAST TO WIN YOU? OF COURSE I DON'T HAVE A CHANCE TO WIN YOU BEFORE I EVEN START. THERE IS NO LOGICAL WAY TO SAY YOU ARE GIVING ME EVEN HALF A CHANCE.
OKAY, BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH YOURSELF.
GO AHEAD, DO WHAT YOU WANT. YOU WILL ANYWAY.
YOU ARE SAYING ABOVE YOU ARE LEAVING ME. NOT EVEN BASED ON OUR RELATIONSHIP, BUT BASED ON YOUR PAST, WITH THAT, THERE IS NO WAY OUR RELATIONSHIP CAN POSSIBLY BE SUCCESSFUL. AND YOU WILL START DRINKING IF YOU STAY WITH ME.
You have developed a well-crafted way to get out of a relationship that you haven't wanted since August and the 'Leaving me for Bob' event. It has taken you a while and, granted, a lot of effort, but we are finished! I hope this makes you happy with what you have achieved. I am done. I can't take your lack of love and caring. I hope you feel free now to meet the man of your dreams. I just wish it had been me.
I know this email may mean nothing to you, but it does to me.
That is why I have to tell you what your words really meant to me last night, once I had time to calm down and think.
I hope you call me and want me someday. Right now, that means more to me than life itself (to quote Elton John). I am sorry things have turned out the way they have.
See my comments beside yours, all in caps.
Quote:"Such parts of our story we tell to someone who will understand, yet be unaffected. The rule is we must be hard on ourselves but always considerate of others". AA big book pg. 74
MY ONLY COMMENT HERE, FROM MY PERSPECTIVE, IS YOU TOLD ME YOUR STORY.
I UNDERSTOOD AND WAS UNAFFECTED,
NOTHING OTHER THAN TRYING TO OFFER MY COMMENTS AND POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS.
YOU ARE HARD ON YOURSELF AND YOU WERE ALSO HARD ON ME.
I DIDN'T FEEL YOU WERE BENEFITING FROM MY PROFFERED HELP, BECAUSE YOU JUST TOOK IT; IT APPARENTLY DIDN'T HELP YOU; AND YOU NEVER DISCUSSED THE PROBLEM WITH ME AGAIN.
PLEASE CORRECT ME IF I AM WRONG, WHICH I EASILY COULD BE.
Respect for others is the lesson that I take out of this Big Book thought. I must go to any lengths to free myself if I wish to find that peace of mind that I have sought for so long. However, none of this must be done at another's expense. Selfishness has no place in the AA way of life.
IN REGARDS TO MY PART IN THE ABOVE STATEMENT,
YOUR PROBLEMS BECAME THE MAIN EVENT AND SOMEHOW I HAVE ENDED UP PAYING FOR IT.
SOMEHOW, I LOST YOU WHILE TRYING TO LOVE YOU, AND HELP YOU. ALL TO MAKE A POSITIVE DIFFERENCE IN YOUR LIFE.
IF I WASN'T DOING THE ABOVE, I DIDN'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN LOVE YOU.
YOUR RECOVERY, AS IT SHOULD BE, IS WHAT YOU WANT AND NEED.
WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEBODY, AS YOU DID ME, WOULDN'T YOU THINK YOU WOULD HAVE AN "OH, BY THE WAY" FOR ME?
AFTER YOU THOUGHT EVERYTHING OUT THAT YOU WERE GOING TO DO?
YOUR EMAIL HERE IS ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT YOUR SITUATIONS.
THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE AFFECTED IN A RELATIONSHIP.
When I take the fifth step it is wiser to choose a person with whom I share common aims because if that person does not understand me, my spiritual progress may be delayed and I could be in danger of a relapse.
IN MY MIND, THIS IS HOW YOU SET UP THE SITUATION YOU ACCOMPLISH IN THE NEXT SENTENCE.
So I ask for devine guidance before choosing the man whom I take into my confidence.
THERE WE GO, I AM OUT OF THE PICTURE. YOU ARE ASKING GOD TO CHOSE THE MAN WHOM YOU TAKE INTO YOUR CONFIDENCE. WITH THIS STATEMENT, I LIE BLEEDING ON THE GROUND. A KNIFE IN THE HEART OF OUR RELATIONSHIP.
(the following is from the first comments I emailed you, it does make sense)
WHY DID YOU MEET ME AND LET ME FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU IF YOU WERE GOING TO ASK FOR DIVINE GUIDANCE NOW? AGAIN.
I sought understanding from you.
YOU DID? I THOUGHT YOU SOUGHT AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE FROM ME.
REMEMBER HOW MANY TIMES I ASKED YOU TO TAKE THE CONVERSATION A LITTLE DEEPER? AND YOU RAN (see Valentine's Day at the Ritz, where, on Sunday I tried to get a little deeper with you and you left the room, you were so not going to talk about yourself.)
C'mon Dina, give me a break here. You may talk to some people, but really personal informaton has come out more in the emails you have written since you broke up with me, than when we were together. You did not seek understanding from me. This is the second part of your 1-2 punch to write me off. If you doubt this, let's see if we ever get back together again. I say, this is the official break up and you are done with me. You tried to be done with me six times over the past nine months, but you have come up with a whopper this time. I say, I believe you got it, Watson!
This train wreck destructive ship upon stormy seas sought harbor and realizing there was none began to crumble and go into dark places. Dark with thoughts of drink driving away the demons it has fought in the past. Not living in the now but dreaming of "how it was gonna be"-you know I do that very well. WAIT, YOU ARE REPEATING THE DERORGATORY WORDS TWO PEOPLE SAID ABOUT YOU. THEN YOU DELIVER THE KILLING PHRASE: YOU ARE TELLING ME YOU ARE GOING TO DRINK AGAIN. I ASKED YOU MANY TIMES, OVER THE 16 MONTHS WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER, IF ANYTHING I WAS DOING OR ANYTHING IN GENERAL, WAS MAKING YOU WANT TO DRINK. STARTING IN AUGUST, AND FOR 10 MONTHS AFTERWARD, WHEN YOU STARTED CUTTING ME OFF, I ASKED YOU MANY TIMES IF THERE WAS ANY PROBLEM WITH DRINKING. NEVER DID YOU LET ME KNOW, IN ANY WAY, THERE WAS ANY PROBLEM. YOU CANNOT GO BACK NOW AND SAY THERE WAS. THIS IS CONTRIVED, (MADE-UP IN YOUR MIND TO VALIDATE WHY YOU ARE LEAVING ME) AND THAT IS INAPPROPRIATE. YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE FINE. NO PROBLEMS. HOW DO I COMPARE THAT TO YOU NOW TELLING ME THERE WERE PROBLEMS? C'MON DINA, YOU ARE SMARTER THAN THIS.
I e-mail you when I am not working and can pull it together. If that is notenough for you continue to assume that I do not keep my word.
THIS SENTENCE IS VERY IMPORTANT. HERE YOU TAKE YOUR DESIRE TO EMAIL ME AND TIE THAT TO YOUR PROMISE TO CALL ME WHEN YOU SPOKE WITH MY COUNSELOR ON MONDAY, MAY 4TH. THERE IS NO CONTINUING TO ASSUME YOU DO NOT KEEP YOUR WORD. YOU RE-NIGGED ON A PROMISE TO SPEAK WITH ME ON TUESDAY, THEN WEDNESDAY, AND THEN YOU JUST FORGOT ABOUT IT. DINA, DON'T LIE. IT DOESN'T BECOME YOU VERY WELL.
I feel very careful with my work just now. I dreamed of the future in each others arms, but wait who was gonna pay rent, buy food, gas, cars, take care of everybody? WELL NOW WE WILL NEVER KNOW BECAUSE YOU, AS SEEN IN YOR WRITING ABOVE, YOU HAVE CONVINCED YOURSELF TO LEAVE ME. AS YOU KNOW, WE MAKE OVER $100,000 A YEAR. THERE ARE NO CONCERNS ABOUT FOOD, GAS CARS AND TAKING CARE OF EVERYBODY. AS YOU KNOW, I WAS GOING TO GIVE YOU MY $3,000 PER MONTH THAT I CLEAR. AND MONEY I EARNED FROM REVENUE OPPORTUNITIES. C'MON DINA, YOU ARE SMARTER THAN THIS. How was that going to happen? WE WILL NEVER KNOW NOW, WILL WE? YOU ARE ONE CLEVER PERSON. YOU KNOW I TOLD YOU I AM NOT CLEVER. I TRIED TO TEACH YOU INTEGRITY, MORALS, CHARACTER AND ETHICS. YOU HAVE NONE OF THESE WITH WHAT YOU ARE WRITING TO ME IN THIS EMAIL. IT IS SHODDY AND POORLY PREPARED. THERE ARE HOLES ALL OVER IT. C'MON DINA, YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS, CAN'T YOU?I feel you to be my best friend, you who know me the best. I try to understand you yet my past experiences have taught me that sooneror later I would have a drink with you. And then, my life as I knew it would be over and reality would come crashing in. SO, WHAT A GREAT DEAL YOU OFFERED ME. YOU DATE ME, WE FALL IN LOVE, AND THEN, BECAUSE YOU ARE CONVINCED BEING WITH ME WILL CAUSE YOU TO DRINK, AND THAT I AM LIKE YOUR PAST EXPERIENCES, YOU LEAVE ME. IS THIS FAIR? YOU ARE NOT GIVING ME THE CHANCE TO BE THE MAN YOU WANT TO BE WITH. THINK ABOUT WILEY, YOUSAID YOU DON'T WANT TO DESPISE ME LIKE YOU HAVE OTHER MEN. WELL YOU HAVE GOTTEN AROUND THAT WITH THIS EMAIL. YOU HAVE BROUGHT AA, SPRITUALITY, TYING FACTS TOGETHER THAT ARE NOT RELATED IN ANY WAY.
WOW, THIS IS A MASTERPIECE. NOT HONEST,THOUGH. NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT. HONESTY WOULD BE TOO, WELL, HONEST. YOU WOULD RATHER, GET ME OUT OF THE PICTURE, (AS YOU HAVE), CONTRIVE A STORY AND BLOW ME OFF. EITHER WAY, YOU DON'T LOVE ME AND THAT IS ALL YOU HAD TO SAY. TELL THE TRUTH. YOU MAY BE SUPRISED BY THE RESULTS.
YOU MADE THIS DECISION IN A VACUUM. WHO WOULD WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO OFFERS SOMETHING LIKE THAT? HOW CAN I COMPETE WITH YOUR PAST TO WIN YOU? OF COURSE I DON'T HAVE A CHANCE TO WIN YOU BEFORE I EVEN START. THERE IS NO LOGICAL WAY TO SAY YOU ARE GIVING ME EVEN HALF A CHANCE.
OKAY, BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH YOURSELF.
GO AHEAD, DO WHAT YOU WANT. YOU WILL ANYWAY.
YOU ARE SAYING ABOVE YOU ARE LEAVING ME. NOT EVEN BASED ON OUR RELATIONSHIP, BUT BASED ON YOUR PAST, WITH THAT, THERE IS NO WAY OUR RELATIONSHIP CAN POSSIBLY BE SUCCESSFUL. AND YOU WILL START DRINKING IF YOU STAY WITH ME.
You have developed a well-crafted way to get out of a relationship that you haven't wanted since August and the 'Leaving me for Bob' event. It has taken you a while and, granted, a lot of effort, but we are finished! I hope this makes you happy with what you have achieved. I am done. I can't take your lack of love and caring. I hope you feel free now to meet the man of your dreams. I just wish it had been me.
How I Need To Act In This Time Of Personal Crisis
I sent this to Dina today:
I am following what Al-Anon dictates for people associated with alcoholics.
I follow the first Step:
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable"
and:
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore our sanity"
I am going to my fifth Al-Anon meeting in half an hour. I am doing this for me.
Because I have to.
Insanity is not an option.
Crowding your life with my desires is not an option.
I will get this.
Nothing else I am thinking or doing is working to resolve the problems that have come up with you and I.
I may never win you back,
And you may never come back,
but I have got to do this for me (How am I doing, Boss?).
Because I have nothing else.
I have lost my relationship with the woman I love.
I have nothing left to lose.
I will get this.
I will learn what I need to learn to take care of myself,
and maybe,
that will take care of everyone else associated with me.
I love you.
I am following what Al-Anon dictates for people associated with alcoholics.
I follow the first Step:
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable"
and:
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore our sanity"
I am going to my fifth Al-Anon meeting in half an hour. I am doing this for me.
Because I have to.
Insanity is not an option.
Crowding your life with my desires is not an option.
I will get this.
Nothing else I am thinking or doing is working to resolve the problems that have come up with you and I.
I may never win you back,
And you may never come back,
but I have got to do this for me (How am I doing, Boss?).
Because I have nothing else.
I have lost my relationship with the woman I love.
I have nothing left to lose.
I will get this.
I will learn what I need to learn to take care of myself,
and maybe,
that will take care of everyone else associated with me.
I love you.
Various Late Night Meanderings, Shared With Dina
I made a mistake in my reply to your email tonight.
If I bow and scrape because I want us to work out
And I will do what it takes to make us work,
You will interpret my actions as weakness.
And, like with your former husband, Wiley,
You will use my actions, seen as weakness in your mind,
To despise me.
Like you did with Wiley.
I am bringing gifts to your table even now, in many different forms,
And you are bringing problems to be worked out at your table.
Is this all really worth it, or would it be better to see, if maybe,
Two heads, (albeit smart, capable ones), two loves, two willing hearts
Can conquer our difficulties and win the benefits of love and true happiness?
Or, is it better to deal with multiple idealogies,
mixed with overtones of spirituality,
To make it unfixably complex?
Let's see...hhhmmm.
It's wonderful having met you and currently enjoying
My relationship (?) with you.
So I am your best friend, now?
Lover and Fiance didn't work out for ya, huh?
You are really sweet!
And I had no input in your decision.
You made this like you are going with yourself, no?
Do you remember hugs, sweet, long kisses, cuddling,
And just plain, old-fashioned loving?
Is what we are doing now better?
No contact, no calls, just the downward spiral of our love?
Are You ever going to let me hold you again?
I miss the Dina I used to know...so much
__________________________________________
I feel I am in the arms of an Octopus
There is nothing I can do but feel the wrap
Of the Octopus' arms around me
Dina is controlling the situation
I have nothing to do with the play she is running in her head
But I am the victim of what she is thinking
because I am involved with her
There is coming a time
When she will be finished playing with me
And, I will be dropped like a toy that is no longer of interest
To the child in her
And then I will be gone...
And I feel that moment is coming soon...
The hardest part is that I will have no role in any of this
Unless I leave her...
And never come back
If I bow and scrape because I want us to work out
And I will do what it takes to make us work,
You will interpret my actions as weakness.
And, like with your former husband, Wiley,
You will use my actions, seen as weakness in your mind,
To despise me.
Like you did with Wiley.
I am bringing gifts to your table even now, in many different forms,
And you are bringing problems to be worked out at your table.
Is this all really worth it, or would it be better to see, if maybe,
Two heads, (albeit smart, capable ones), two loves, two willing hearts
Can conquer our difficulties and win the benefits of love and true happiness?
Or, is it better to deal with multiple idealogies,
mixed with overtones of spirituality,
To make it unfixably complex?
Let's see...hhhmmm.
It's wonderful having met you and currently enjoying
My relationship (?) with you.
So I am your best friend, now?
Lover and Fiance didn't work out for ya, huh?
You are really sweet!
And I had no input in your decision.
You made this like you are going with yourself, no?
Do you remember hugs, sweet, long kisses, cuddling,
And just plain, old-fashioned loving?
Is what we are doing now better?
No contact, no calls, just the downward spiral of our love?
Are You ever going to let me hold you again?
I miss the Dina I used to know...so much
__________________________________________
I feel I am in the arms of an Octopus
There is nothing I can do but feel the wrap
Of the Octopus' arms around me
Dina is controlling the situation
I have nothing to do with the play she is running in her head
But I am the victim of what she is thinking
because I am involved with her
There is coming a time
When she will be finished playing with me
And, I will be dropped like a toy that is no longer of interest
To the child in her
And then I will be gone...
And I feel that moment is coming soon...
The hardest part is that I will have no role in any of this
Unless I leave her...
And never come back
Thursday, May 7, 2009
My Last Communication on May 5th
Dina wrote,
"When I take the fifth step it is wiser to choose a person with whom I share common aims because if that person does not understand me, my spiritual progress may be delayed and I could be in danger of a relapse.
So I ask for devine guidance before choosing the man whom I take into my confidence.
I sought understanding from you.
This train wreck destructive ship upon stormy seas sought harbor and realizing there was none began to crumble and go into dark places.
Dark with thoughts of drink driving away the demons it has fought in the past."
When did you seek harbor and realized there was none and began to crumble into dark places?
And, what about the temptation to drink?
The last time we were together,
you hugged me tightlly all weekend
as we lovingly lie in your bed!
Am I missing some event that I don't know about?
Whew, this is a rollercoaster ride and you are the Ring Master!
Listen, we loved each other and had a lot of fun together, until you started expressing very noncommunicative behavior and cutting me off (See November, 2008 email for clarification).
What is this mysterious event that I know nothing about? This is how you weave your own creations of what happened with us.
Look, if you want me to go away, you don't have to contrive these intricate patterns that you are apparently weaving.
I love you, I have loved you, and until you smash it into the ground, which you are doing a good job of, I will always love you.
That is why I want to marry you. If you want me to leave and never come back, you are doing a heluva good job, lady.
Let's see if you can have a timely reply to this. Betcha can't!
"When I take the fifth step it is wiser to choose a person with whom I share common aims because if that person does not understand me, my spiritual progress may be delayed and I could be in danger of a relapse.
So I ask for devine guidance before choosing the man whom I take into my confidence.
I sought understanding from you.
This train wreck destructive ship upon stormy seas sought harbor and realizing there was none began to crumble and go into dark places.
Dark with thoughts of drink driving away the demons it has fought in the past."
When did you seek harbor and realized there was none and began to crumble into dark places?
And, what about the temptation to drink?
The last time we were together,
you hugged me tightlly all weekend
as we lovingly lie in your bed!
Am I missing some event that I don't know about?
Whew, this is a rollercoaster ride and you are the Ring Master!
Listen, we loved each other and had a lot of fun together, until you started expressing very noncommunicative behavior and cutting me off (See November, 2008 email for clarification).
What is this mysterious event that I know nothing about? This is how you weave your own creations of what happened with us.
Look, if you want me to go away, you don't have to contrive these intricate patterns that you are apparently weaving.
I love you, I have loved you, and until you smash it into the ground, which you are doing a good job of, I will always love you.
That is why I want to marry you. If you want me to leave and never come back, you are doing a heluva good job, lady.
Let's see if you can have a timely reply to this. Betcha can't!
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